Weather

Weathercaster:  There's a front coming through that will produce dry lightning.  This means lightning and thunder with no rain.
Hubs:  That's my nickname.  Dry lightning.

Snort

I have a head cold.

Hubs:  What did you just snort?
Me:  Cocaine.
Hubs:  Is there a crushed up pill in there?
Me:  What?
Hubs:  What did you just snort?
Me:  Afrin, you dumb ass.  I can't breathe.

Skeeters

Texting with my mom, who was complaining about the mosquitoes at the campground.

Mom:  We can't even sit out up here.
Me:  Good lord. 
Mom:  Not sure if it's mosquitoes or no-see-ums.
Me:  Biting?
Mom:  Yes. Your dad goes out and tests....comes in bitten...so I stay in :)
Me:  I'd hate to see what happened if you ever suspected a gas leak.

Sleep > Hygiene

Me:  I'm too tired to wash my face.
Hubs:  I'm too tired to look at it.