What a Tool

Hubs is fixing our patio table and has a wrench and socket set out.  EB (age 2.5) sees it and starts inspecting all the pieces, asking to help.  After a minute...

EB:  I love your tool. It's beautiful.
Me:  Just what every man wants to hear.
EB:  It's so big.
Hubs:  She better not say that again til she's thirty.

The Real Housewives

I was telling Hubs about an episode of some Housewives show I watched where one typically vapid housewife was celebrating her fortieth birthday.  She said her husband (a car salesman) was more successful when he had more sex, and thus they did it at least once a day.  She said she didn't mind putting out so frequently because she liked the money.  On this birthday episode, he bought her a $40k Rolex.

Me:  So she basically admitted that she's whoring herself out to her husband for a Rolex.
Hubs:  I'll buy you a Timex.  What will that get me?
Me:  I'll lick your knee.

Snip, Snip

We've decided Baby #2 has done us in.

Me:  I think I'm ready to start getting rid of baby stuff as she outgrows it.
Hubs:  Yeah, I'm not doing this again.   I snipped myself in the shower this morning.

Double Standard

Hubs has just asked about a basket of laundry and I've told him it's clean.  A few minutes later I find EB's dirty clothes in the basket.

Me:  Did you do this or did she?
Hubs:  I love how if she did it it's okay but if I did it I'm in trouble.
Me:  Try pooping in your pants and see what happens.

Til Death Do Us. . . Nevermind.

Me:  I'm due for a colonoscopy in six years.  I'm already dreading it.  You're not due for another fourteen.
Hubs:  Whatever.
Me:  No, not "whatever".  You're getting one.
Hubs:  We all gotta die from something.
Me:  Do you want to die a slow, agonizing death from undetected colon cancer?
Hubs:  I have video games.  I'll be entertained on my death bed.
Me:  I don't even like putting up with you when you're pissed off about being hungry.
Hubs:  So you're sure as shit not going to put up with me when I'm dying.
Me:  Not a chance in hell.

Let's Just Go with "Handbag"

Hubs takes EB (age 2.5) to the car for an outing.  He pops his head back in the kitchen before they leave.

Hubs:  You need to work with her on saying "purse".  She keeps saying, "my pursey," but it doesn't sound like "my pursey".  I'm going to go cut my ears off.

Your Cheatin' Heart

I made hamburgers a couple nights ago and took off my wedding rings to keep them clean.  Any time I do this, I forget to put them on for several days and it looks like I'm single.

Me:  I don't have my rings on.  I'm single.
Hubs:  So, when we did it last night. . ?
Me:  Ohmigod!  I was the other woman!