Double Standard

Just like Hubs, my father-in-law is bald. I'm talking with him and my mother-in-law about her new hairdo.

MIL: I like it. It's a little darker than I wanted it.
Me: I thought you were going to stop coloring it?
MIL [shoots a pointed look at FIL]: Well, he said he's not ready yet to be married to a gray-haired lady.
FIL: Nope.
Me: Aaaand where's your toupee?

Judge Not Lest. . . Nevermind

A friend starts this text thread. . .

Go Big or Go Home

A friend has been on a handful of dates that went well, and we're discussing options for a second date with one girl in particular.

The Sophisticated Cousin of Russell the Love Muscle

We have an upcoming evening when we'll only have our preschooler on our hands (and not her little sister as well). I've been asking her what she wants to do, and am recapping the conversation for Hubs.

Me: So I concluded by saying we'll talk about it on Friday and do whatever you want to do.
Hubs: Whatever I want to do? Or whatever she wants to do?
Me: No, her. Although I probably should let you decide since you're the man of the house and the head of our family.
Hubs: Damn straight. You would be nothing without my tutelage.
Me: Tutelage? Is that what you're calling him these days?

Thanks for Doing It

It's our daughter's fourth birthday and my parents take us all out to dinner. We're chatting in the lobby before parting ways, thanking my dad.

Dad: Well, we've gotten a few days of joy out of her in the past four years. Figure we might as well thank y'all. [Pause.] You know, for having sex.
Me: Hell, we'll do it more often if we get free dinner out of it.

Liquid Reinforcements

We're on vacation with our daughters and it's Hubs's turn to put the toddler down for bed. The rest of us are sitting around a fire drinking wine. After a while I start wondering what's taking so long.

On the Naughty List

Around Thanksgiving I ask one of my bosses if he's done Christmas shopping for his wife. 

Boss: [leans back in his desk chair and makes a sweeping gesture across his body]  You're looking at it. This is her gift.
Me: Isn't that the equivalent of getting a lump of coal?

You Better Watch Out

Our single friend was wondering why women seem to get lonely around the holidays.

That's One Way to Do It

Because of the nature of my work, I frequently engage in small talk with my patients.

Me: So how did you propose to your wife?
Patient: Well, I took her to Vermont for a weekend and we hiked up to the top of a mountain and that's where I asked her.
Me: That is so romantic! I'm jealous. I guess she kind of had to say yes after that.
Patient: Meh. I just got her up there and waited for the altitude sickness to kick in.

Not a Creature Was Stirring, Except for. . .

It's Christmas night. Hubs and I are sitting in an Indian restaurant waiting for our takeout order, and discussing plans for the childless evening ahead of us.

Me: So we'll go home, eat, watch Christmas Vacation, get drunk, and then. . . you know.
Hubs: Sounds good.
Me: So don't eat too much. I don't want you feeling all stuffed and gross. You won't want to move.
Hubs: There's only one part of me that actually has to move, and it's pretty much automatic.
Me: Oh my god.
Hubs: But I can also move it at will. Want me to do it now? [Holds his breath, screws up his face, and clenches his fists]