Mmm... Bacon, Part Deux

We're cooking breakfast when Hubs pisses me off.

Me: I will throw that bacon grease on you.  [Pause.]  But then you wouldn't be pretty anymore.
Hubs: I am pretty.

Mmm. . . Bacon

Hubs was on his own with our daughters for dinner the other night and I asked for a full report when I got home. (They had breakfast for dinner.)

Hubs: Well, [2yo] just ate bacon. She wouldn't touch the french toast or sausage. She asked for a piece of mine, but [4yo] volunteered to share. Then she asked me again and I told her it was my bacon and I was eating it. Then she pouted.
Me: Seriously? You didn't go make her more?
Hubs: I didn't want to go through the hassle.
Me: It's precooked. You just nuke it.
Hubs: But it was in the freezer. In the garage. I didn't feel like walking out there.
Me: What? How do you sleep at night?
Hubs: With a belly full of bacon.

Accidental Racism, Part Deux

Hubs has a cousin who's about ten years younger than us and his wife happens to be black. Any time they come to visit we inadvertently say things that could be misconstrued as racist. As a mild example, this weekend we recommended a local restaurant known for a burger called the "Big Brown".

Sylvia (the wife) and I are in the car with my daughters and I'm trying to tell her in code that we've secretly signed my older girl up for ballet lessons.

Me: So we've enrolled [4yo] in lessons. . . um. . . Baryshnikov lessons.
Sylvia: I think I know who that is. . ? But. . .
Me: Let me think of a more contemporary reference. . . Oh! Misty Copeland! [Pause] Ohmigod. I swear she's the only ballerina I know right now and I did not say that just because she's a black woman.

True Tarzan

Me: There's a new Tarzan movie coming out. Guess who's playing Tarzan.
Hubs: I feel like I know this but I can't remember.
Me: Alexander Skarsgård.
Hubs: Oh lord. I know where all the women are going to be that weekend. I guess we'll have to get it on Blu-Ray and get a digital copy too.
Me: Yup. Just set me up and leave me alone for a week.
Hubs: So, do the ladies like him with long hair or short hair?
Me: He has hair?

Stupid Is as Stupid Does

1. My dad has a knack for justifying any purchase by using math.
2. I skipped three years of grade school.

We're at the Disney Store and I'm debating a purchase for my girls (ages two and four) for Christmas. It's an $80 dollhouse and I don't know whether to buy one or two since they don't always share well.

Dad: Let's assume [4yo] is at home for at least another nine years if she goes to college at fourteen like you did. So that's less than ten dollars a year for the dollhouse. And if [2yo] is home for another eleven, that's a total of twenty years of use, so that comes out to four dollars a year. Now, if they're stupid and don't start college until they're eighteen then you're looking at thirteen and fifteen years, so that's. . . less than three dollars a year for one dollhouse, just under six for two of them. Though, granted, that's if they're stupid and if they use them the whole time they're home.
Mom: And they'd have to be really stupid to play with dollhouses that long.

Say It Again for the People in the Back

Apparently when you translate this it just gets louder.

How YOU Doin'?

Hubs has just said something about a particular weakness of mine. I immediately start coming up with excuses.

Me: [trailing off] . . .I'm just trying to make myself feel better.
Hubs: How's that going for you?

Knockin' on Heaven's Door

Hubs always talk about how our parents (aged 63-65) are going to die soon and he mentions it to my parents. A couple hours later we start talking about TV shows.

My mom: We've gotten hooked on British shows. We watch a lot of PBS. [Pause] Wow. Maybe we are close to death.
Hubs: Yup. You're on the verge.

I'm Just Gonna Leave This Here. . .

Holy inappropriate joke, Batman. I texted someone (who shall remain unnamed) about the fallout from my daughter's encounter with some chocolate.

Where There's a Will, There's. . . Money

We see a car in an oncoming lane that has streamers and balloons attached to the back. 

Me: What do you think: wedding or graduation?
Hubs: It's black and white, so I'm thinking funeral.
Me: Like, "Woohoo! Glad she's dead!"?
Hubs: Yeah. Like, "I'm rich, biotch!"

You've Got the Look

Hubs has just said something particularly insulting and I shoot him my most withering glare.

Hubs: I only said that because I knew you'd get that look on your face. I don't get it to see it that often anymore.
Me: Well. . . because usually I just laugh and high-five you.

Ask an Expert

Hubs: You don't have to be mad just because you're wrong. It won't kill you.
Me: Well, you would know.

Livin' La Vida Loca

Text from a friend

Journalistic Instincts

I notice an elderly patient staring intently at my neck while we're talking. He finally says something.

Him: I'm sorry I'm staring, but your necklace is beautiful. Is there any significance?
[We discuss it briefly.]
Him: Well, I'm a retired journalist so I'm curious about things, and I've learned to just ask.
Me: There's no harm in that. I mean, if I'm wearing it in public it's probably not a reminder of some horrible something.
Him: That's true. But you never know when someone might say, "Oh, yeah, I got it from a whorehouse."

Effen Wasted

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood

Our neighborhood has a thousand Facebook pages, but one of them is dedicated solely to food. I recently got trolled by a fellow member.

Bug-Eyed

We're at a TexMex restaurant and the table next to us is being served ginormous taco salads. Hubs's eyes go wide.

Hubs: Ohmigod. I'm going to stare.
Me: I figured.
Hubs: They look delicious. One of those bowls is filled with steak.
Me: Most men stare at boobs. You stare at food.
Hubs: I can have the food.

Midnight Cheesecake

I sent my mom this eCard:

And this is the exchange that followed:

It Loves Company

Hubs: What are you making me for dinner?
Me: Miserable.

Coke Habit

We're grocery shopping, and I've not been letting Hubs purchase soft drinks for a while now.

Hubs: Coooooke. . .
Me: There's a McDonald's next door. I will allow you to get one on the way home.
Hubs: Yes, but then I'll only have one tonight instead of being able to drink them all week.
Me: I know. That's the point.
Hubs: Do you want me to get fat and die early or not?

Working on my Fit(Bit)ness

We've just returned from a harried weekend away.

Me: Where's my FitBit?
Hubs: I dunno.
Me: You found it yesterday and put it with your stuff.
Hubs: Yeah, but I haven't seen it since then. [Gets up and rummages through some stuff.] Oh. Here it is. I put it in the bag with the candy because I figured you'd find it there.

I'm Not Above It

I walk around the neighborhood with our girls in the morning, typically before I eat breakfast.

Hardly Healthy

We're at Long John Silver's and Hubs is scooping up forkfuls of the grease-soaked crispies from the bottom of the plate -- of which he'd ordered extra because he loves them.

Me: Please stop. I can hear your arteries hardening.
Hubs: That's not all that's getting hard.

Right on Target

Apparently Target is selling Fuctronics

Bragging Rights

My mom is recounting the time she was stung by a scorpion. Mind you, it was smaller than a honeybee and she was totally fine.

My mom: Well, I did get stung by a scorpion.
Me: Oh my god. That story again. It doesn't even count.
My mom: But I could've died.
My dad: Well at least you wouldn't still be bitching about it.

Am I That Predictable?

I've commented on a friend's Facebook post and may have included one unsavory word.

Tiny Cesspools

I hate it when my kids are sick.

Deez. . . Well, You Know

My mom is always responsible for making the stuffing at Thanksgiving. She texted Hubs to ask for his preferences. She's in white, he's in blue.

Prime Day, Schmime Day

So, this happened on Amazon's disastrous Prime Day last month.

High Fashion

Beating Them Back with a Stick

Me: I need to clean my ring. It's disgusting.
Hubs: Yeah, I need you to clean mine too. I need it to be sparkling so it catches the eye and keeps all the ladies away.
Me: Yeah. I'll get right on that.

Lord of the Clicker

On Amazon's totally incredible smash-hit Prime Day we scored a Blu Ray player for $10. Hubs has just discovered that it's compatible with our current remote control.

Hubs: One remote to rule them all.
Me: I just lost my boner.
Hubs: I'm just glad you had a boner.

Junior Mints

Our younger daughter has finally reached an age where we can safely take her to a real live theater to see a real live movie. Hubs and I are very excited.

Hubs: I can't wait to start a movie tradition with the girls. Going to an actual theater, getting a giant popcorn, and they can pick out their drinks. . . But not candy. It's too expensive. We'll teach them that you always stop at the gas station around the corner first and get your movie candy there.
Me: So, they should wear something with pockets.
Hubs: BIG pockets.
Me: Friday night will come around and I'll yell, "Girls, put on your movie pants!"

People of Walmart

Wisdom Teeth Don't Make You Smart

Hubs has been told that he has to have his wisdom teeth taken out.

Me: I can't wait to see what you're like coming out of anesthesia. We might have a viral video on our hands.
Hubs: I've never hit a woman, but that could do it.

Philly Illy

It's my first time setting foot in a little cheesesteak dive where Hubs always gets us takeout.

Keepin It Real, Yo

High Beams

Hubs has just announced the newest earth-shattering evolution in video games and is not satisfied with my lackluster reaction.

Hubs: You're supposed to be excited.
Me: I am.
Hubs: You don't look like it.
Me: I am excited. You just can't see it because I have a bra on.
Hubs: Well, now you're just fucking with me.

Dios Mio

I swear I'm not racist. I swear, I swear, I swear. But I think having a yard sale can bring out the worst in any of us. A neighbor friend was also selling some wares.

Size Makes the Man

Hubs: I hate public restrooms where there's no partition between the urinals.
My dad: Me too.
Hubs: I mean, at least give me that little six-inch panel.
My dad: Well. . . Some of us need twelve.

Undeniably Obsessed

When your predictive text starts recommending "Shakira" any time you type a capital S, you might have a slight problem. . .


(For more Shakira, click here or here.)

Y'all Gon Make Me Lose Mind

We're driving to my inlaws' for an overnight stay.

Me: You did put the girls' bag in the back, right?
Hubs: Yeeessss. . ?
Me: Are you sure?
Hubs: I'm 99% sure. [Pause] Which in my world means there's about a 40% chance it's not back there.

Because Lesbians

Okay, so, apparently I have the mind of a pubescent boy because I thought it was hysterical that I caught this post before anyone else hit "Like".

Looking out for Number One

Hubs gets hangry.

Me: Just go eat a tiny Kit Kat while you wait for me to shower and then we can go eat.
Hubs: Why a Kit Kat? Why not a cereal bar?
Me: That's too much. You just need something to take the edge off.
Hubs: Hey. I'll be the one to decide how big the edge is, wom-- [starts laughing]
Me: I love that you can never finish a threat without laughing. I'm not sure if it's because you're such a nice guy or if it's a self preservation tool.
Hubs: We'll leave that up in the air.

Toe, Part Deux

To and from a friend last night.

Russell the Love Muscle, Part Deux

Hubs is an avid gamer and usually plays after the girls and I have gone to bed. We've just gotten our daughters to sleep.

Hubs: You wanna go downstairs and watch something? Or are you going to bed?
Me: I'm just going to pass out.
Hubs: Then I guess I have no choice but to go and beat Diablo.
Me: Is that what you're calling him now?

Going Once, Going Twice

Sometimes I get fed up with my kids.

Rack City Kitty

Sent a Pinterest picture to my cousin.

Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to

Birthday greetings for a friend

Just a Jiggalo

It's Hubs's responsibility to take out the trash every week.

Hubs: I gotta hurry and get all this on the street before it rains.
Me: Are you talking about the trash or [gesturing to his body] all of thissss?
Hubs: Joke if you will, but I'm worth a pretty penny.
Me: Exactly. A penny.
Hubs: Hey, if it's money it's worth it. I'll just have to sit on a pillow for a while tomorrow.

Kentucky Jelly

The toddler is peeling used stickers off of a craft project and trying to re-adhere them to my arm but they keep falling off.

Hubs: Looks like your skin is dry and uninviting.
Me: Keep it up and you'll find something else to be dry and uninviting.

Ooh, That Smell (Part Six)

I just bought a new ergonomic pillow and I'm absolutely in love with it.

Me: It's like having your head cradled in the hands of an angel.
Hubs: I thought that's how you described my lap.
Me: I don't think angels smell like that.

Day Drinking

I've taunted Hubs with a description of my upcoming free lunch.

Biting Heads off Chickens

My Facebook status just before Easter

Is Pluto a Planet?

Sevin Dust Itch

We're in a field and our daughters are picking dandelions when they both go running to pick a random bright yellow weed.

Hubs: Oh, god, don't let them touch that. It's a chigger plant. They'll get infested.
Me: Meh. Twenty minutes of joy is worth a week of itching.
Hubs: That was my motto in college.

At Least I Don't Have Herpes

I recently got shingles (a form of chicken pox) and had to take a day off work. My boss texted me that night to check in.

The rash is extremely painful and it was on my rib cage. This is a message I sent Hubs from work.

Waking Up with Fleas

Hubs: Is it still PC to say someone is in the doghouse?
Me: Until dogs develop a voice and demand equal rights, yes.

Final Final Final Four

I'm a huge fan of Kentucky basketball, as is my best friend (who now lives on the west coast). This is a text she sent me during the last few minutes of the Final Four game that ended our undefeated season.

And this is the text I sent my boss:

Magic Mirror

Hubs and I are talking about how long we've been together.

Hubs: I can't believe that after eight years you still want thisssss.
Me: Who wouldn't?
Hubs: That's true. I mean, I look in the mirror. I know what's going on.

Measuring Up

We had a significant snow last month and no one made it into work. We spent the day group texting instead.

Here's one my boss sent:

Grade A Parenting

Our preschooler is having a party for her dolls and tasks us with bringing something that starts with the letter A. We finally arrived at appetizer, but not before coming up with the following options:

Alcohol
Arsenic
Ammo
Adrenaline
Aspirin
Acetaminophen
Absinthe
Assholes
Anthrax
Awesome alliteration
Anal beads

Ethically Undead

Hubs: If there were no such thing as True Blood, would you still consider being a vampire?
Me: Not now. We have kids.
Hubs: But if we didn't have kids?
Me: Yeah. Probably.
Hubs: But you'd have to kill people.
Me: I wouldn't have to kill them, just feed from them.
Hubs: True.
Me: Or I could kill people and be like the Dexter of vampires.
Hubs: Ooh, good idea. Or sometimes you could kill people who are just assholes.
Me: I could go to the Republican National Convention. Oh my god I'd get so fat.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

We're watching our daughters play.

Me: I love these tiny bodies. These tiny, tiny things.
Hubs: It bodes well for me that you like tiny things.
Me: It was my love of tiny things that got us these babies.

Haaaave You Met Adonis?

Hubs: I am physically fit. I'm like a Greek god over here.
Me: You know we have mirrors in the house, right?
Hubs: Yeah, I don't look in them.
Me: That's my point.

Happiness Is. . .

Hubs: You know what I wanna make?
Me: Your wife a happy woman?
Hubs: I don’t wanna die.

Also Known As

My father-in-law has introduced our preschooler to Woody Woodpecker. Lucky for us, he also taught her that it's available on Netflix. Pretty sure he's not getting a Christmas gift.

Hubs: Did you see the name of this episode? It's "Automatic Woody".
Me: Uh. . .
Hubs: That's my nickname for you.

Child Labor

I've just returned home from the dollar store where I bought a ton of organizing containers.

Me: I don’t even want to think about all the children who died in sweatshops to make these.
Hubs: Meh. Children come and go. But plastic is forever.

Loaves and Fishes

Hubs and I see a Facebook post from one of our favorite restaurants.

Hubs: They have catfish today.
Me: I know. It looks amazing.
Hubs: You should go get me some.
Me: No. It's icy out there and I'm not leaving the house.
Hubs: But you haven't showered yet and you look all scruffy. Maybe they'll think you're homeless and just hand you some food for free.

One-Eyed Willie

We're watching Kentucky play and Cauley-Stein makes a basket.

Hubs: That was ugly but it went in.
Me: That's what she said. Every. Single. Time.

Evil Olive

Sent to Hubs

Honesty Is the Best Policy

After declining an invitation to go sledding with a friend / neighbor, he texted a suggestion for getting my daughters out in the snow.

Beware the Man in the Trench Coat

Hubs has been sick and is not looking forward to setting foot in our daughters' daycare.

Me: So you're worried that you might give the kids what you have?
Hubs: What? Of course not. I'm worried about me. I don't want to catch anything else from that cesspool.
Me: So you just don't want to expose yourself.
Hubs: That is correct. I don't want to expose myself to a room full of children. Pretty sure that's frowned upon.

Menorahs and Dreidels and Latkes, Oh My!

My sister-in-law is Jewish, and this exchange took place on the first day of Hanukkah.

She's a Good Guesser-Maker

We're putting together a new bed for our preschooler, EB.

EB: Mommy, you're a good putter-inner with a screw.
Me: Thanks, sweetie.
EB: You're a good screw.
Hubs: You're right. But don't tell anyone.

Double Standard

Just like Hubs, my father-in-law is bald. I'm talking with him and my mother-in-law about her new hairdo.

MIL: I like it. It's a little darker than I wanted it.
Me: I thought you were going to stop coloring it?
MIL [shoots a pointed look at FIL]: Well, he said he's not ready yet to be married to a gray-haired lady.
FIL: Nope.
Me: Aaaand where's your toupee?

Judge Not Lest. . . Nevermind

A friend starts this text thread. . .

Go Big or Go Home

A friend has been on a handful of dates that went well, and we're discussing options for a second date with one girl in particular.

The Sophisticated Cousin of Russell the Love Muscle

We have an upcoming evening when we'll only have our preschooler on our hands (and not her little sister as well). I've been asking her what she wants to do, and am recapping the conversation for Hubs.

Me: So I concluded by saying we'll talk about it on Friday and do whatever you want to do.
Hubs: Whatever I want to do? Or whatever she wants to do?
Me: No, her. Although I probably should let you decide since you're the man of the house and the head of our family.
Hubs: Damn straight. You would be nothing without my tutelage.
Me: Tutelage? Is that what you're calling him these days?

Thanks for Doing It

It's our daughter's fourth birthday and my parents take us all out to dinner. We're chatting in the lobby before parting ways, thanking my dad.

Dad: Well, we've gotten a few days of joy out of her in the past four years. Figure we might as well thank y'all. [Pause.] You know, for having sex.
Me: Hell, we'll do it more often if we get free dinner out of it.

Liquid Reinforcements

We're on vacation with our daughters and it's Hubs's turn to put the toddler down for bed. The rest of us are sitting around a fire drinking wine. After a while I start wondering what's taking so long.

On the Naughty List

Around Thanksgiving I ask one of my bosses if he's done Christmas shopping for his wife. 

Boss: [leans back in his desk chair and makes a sweeping gesture across his body]  You're looking at it. This is her gift.
Me: Isn't that the equivalent of getting a lump of coal?

You Better Watch Out

Our single friend was wondering why women seem to get lonely around the holidays.

That's One Way to Do It

Because of the nature of my work, I frequently engage in small talk with my patients.

Me: So how did you propose to your wife?
Patient: Well, I took her to Vermont for a weekend and we hiked up to the top of a mountain and that's where I asked her.
Me: That is so romantic! I'm jealous. I guess she kind of had to say yes after that.
Patient: Meh. I just got her up there and waited for the altitude sickness to kick in.

Not a Creature Was Stirring, Except for. . .

It's Christmas night. Hubs and I are sitting in an Indian restaurant waiting for our takeout order, and discussing plans for the childless evening ahead of us.

Me: So we'll go home, eat, watch Christmas Vacation, get drunk, and then. . . you know.
Hubs: Sounds good.
Me: So don't eat too much. I don't want you feeling all stuffed and gross. You won't want to move.
Hubs: There's only one part of me that actually has to move, and it's pretty much automatic.
Me: Oh my god.
Hubs: But I can also move it at will. Want me to do it now? [Holds his breath, screws up his face, and clenches his fists]