Working Girl

A friend of mine is presenting at a conference that I'm helping to coordinate.

WASPs

Oodles of Zoodles

My inlaws bicker a lot; it's like their love language or something. They also inundate us with homegrown produce every summer. With the most recent round of squash, I turned some into noodles and gave them back to my MIL.

MIL: How did you do that?
Me: I have a spiralizer. If you like these, I'll send you the Amazon link to the one I got.
FIL: You could just hook a drill up to it. That would make spirals.
MIL: Why don't we just smash them through the holes in your head?
FIL: Nah. [Pause] They wouldn't come out skinny enough.

24 / 7 / 365

Me: Costco closes at six.
Hubs: What time does your face close?
Me: Never.

Dead Men Tell No Tales

Flying Pigs

Texting with my parents

Aunt Flo

Our daughters are three and five and although they frequently want to do the same things, they never want to do them at the same time.

Me: Why are they never together on this?
Hubs: I know. They're sisters; they're supposed to be in sync.
Me: You know one day they will be in sync and not the way you're talking about. In the way you don't want to think about.
Hubs: One day it'll be all three of you.
Me: No, I'm on the pill.
Hubs: Well, you'll be in sync when they start taking medicine to "control" their "acne".

Pavlov's Wife

The Jersey Mike's (sandwich chain) in town is relatively new and the same small crew is on duty pretty much every time we go. Somehow Hubs always ends up showing up in Bengals gear and has developed a complex about becoming known as "The Bengals Guy".

Hubs: It figures we would decide to go to Jersey Mike's today. [points to his Bengals t-shirt]
Me: Figures.
Hubs: There must be something about Cincinnati that makes you want sandwiches.
Me: There must be.
Hubs: I wonder if I could find a shirt that makes you want [laughs] ... nevermind.
Me: Oh, like a shirt that I'd look at and be like, Mmm... dick.
Hubs: I would buy fifty of those.

The 1%