Vomitorium

My kids were vomiting last week and my mom offered me some advice.

Fat Camp

We got together with my parents today to belatedly celebrate my birthday. Hubs already bought me some exercise DVDs (at my request, not because he has a death wish). My mom bought me a new swimsuit that bore this tag:

Me: Um... Okay.
My mom: I swear I did not see that until after I bought it.
My dad: You could wear two of them and look twenty pounds lighter!
Me: So Hubs bought me workout videos and you got me a slimming swimsuit...
My dad: [handing me another gift] And here's your subscription to NutriSystem!


(For the record, I'm not fat and none of the comments were malicious. I don't want anyone thinking my family is comprised of actual assholes.)

Small Packages

Yesterday was my birthday.

Hubs: Did you see the thing I posted on Facebook?
Me: No - I was busy today and just managed to keep up with the birthday wishes.
Hubs: Did you get the text I sent you of my junk?
Me: Yes, but it was so small I couldn't see it.
Hubs: That's the one, then.

Big Brain Person

We drive past some warehouses with for sale signs outside. One of them boasts 52,000 square feet.

Me: Fifty-two thousand square feet? I can't even wrap my head around that.
Hubs: You probably could. Your head is pretty big.

[In his defense, I do have an unusually large noggin. I have to wear men's hats.]

Bustin' Heads

I recently took a road trip with my 3yo and 5yo daughters and made some lap desks to help keep them entertained.

Slim Shady

Our five-year-old decided to have a fashion show and this is what she came up with for one trip down the catwalk:

Me: Well, you look rather... urban.
Hubs: She looks like a white Eminem.

Confucious Say

Hubs's fortune:

Hubs: I think this is yours. Shouldn't it have an S at the end?

Teaching Me a Lesson, Part Deux

Hubs spots a weird pattern on my leg:

Hubs: What did you do? Were you leaning on a Lego? 

Me: No..? I don't think so. [I check the soles of my shoes but they're striped] 

Hubs: [checks the bottoms of his shoes and it's a match] Oh. It's probably from where I had to learn you earlier.

Party Pooper

A close friend got married recently and had a party a few weeks later. I'd already planned a road trip and couldn't attend.

Daredevil

Sometimes, as a parent, you realize your kids have to learn lessons for themselves and so you let them take risks. It's for their own good. In no way could this be construed as lazy parenting.