High Top Fade

With Hubs:

Pretty much my favorite photo ever. Cube's high school yearbook shot.

The Need for Swedes

Apparently this is the standard response to finding out that Ikea is not, in fact, moving into your area.

Me and Hubs:

Me and a friend:

The Roof (of My Mouth) Is on Fire

With my parents:

If It Itches...

More texting with my mom.

(Autocorrect changed "shopping" to "scratching")

Extraterrestrial Ecstacy

Again with my neighborhood ladies.

Taken out of Context I Must Seem So Strange

Conversations with my best girls sometimes end up in weird places.

Lie in It

Our master bed is ridiculously difficult to make and we typically make it a two-person job. I decide to tackle it myself one night and Hubs walks in on me.

Hubs: We have grapes, right?
Me: Yes.
Hubs: When you're done with that, you should come downstairs and feed me some. [walks out]

They're There Their

Some friends and I have just come across an advertisement that  included improper usage of "whom" and also advertised a product for "$0.25 cents" instead of just "25 cents" or "$0.25". Because we're grammar nazis, we took a moment to bitch about the post.

Michael Scott

Hubs gets caught by a DirecTV salesman at Costco but finally breaks away and catches up with us. 

Hubs: I'm usually pretty good at wiggling out of that but I decided just to let him finish.
In unison: That's what she said.

Smarty Pants

Our kindergartener is being given second grade reading homework and is rocking it. She's incredibly bright. We're still wondering where our 3yo stands on the bell curve, but all signs say she's also gifted (but she's a feisty little shit). Hubs and I are reviewing one of the kindergartener's assignments. 

Hubs: Jesus. That's scary. In a couple years I'm going to be the dumbest person in the house.
Me: You probably already are. You just don't know it yet.

Tune in, Tokyo

Hubs bought a new coat just before we left on vacation and thus spent all week assessing it. He was most impressed by the three sets of pockets.

Hubs: Look, there are pockets way up high. If I use these, my elbow sticks out like this and it's the right height for you to hold onto. 
Me: I thought they put them up high so you could tweak your own nipples. 
Hubs: That too. Why do you think I've been smiling all week?

This Holiday Brought to You by Wine

We sit down for Thanksgiving dessert and someone finally notices that my daughters have nothing to drink. I, on the other hand, have had a glass of wine in hand since I woke up.

Hubs: There are juice boxes right behind you.
Me: Yup. I noticed that.
Hubs: You should stop drinking alcohol and get your babies something to drink.
3yo: Yeah, Mommy! Take care of us!

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night

We're shopping at Costco and our daughters are getting restless. They decide to take their boredom out on Hubs.

Hubs: I'm standing here with a case of beer and a girl trying to pull my clothes off.
Me: Isn't that just a Saturday night?

Yippie Ki Yay

Hubs reaches under the covers, pulls out one of my socks, and throws it at me.

Me: Yeah. There are probably more down there.
Hubs: Why do you have socks in the bed?
Me: Well, I'm usually cold when I come to bed but then I get hot in the middle of the night and I take them off.
Hubs: So you take them off with your toes?
Me: Yeah. And then sometimes I'll kind of scrunch up my toes and grab the socks and hold onto them while I fall asleep.
Hubs: [pushing me away from him] You are so weird.
Me: It's comforting.
Hubs: You know who else scrunches their toes to calm down?
Me: Um. . . no?
Hubs: John McClane from Die Hard. You would know that if you let me watch it.
Me: Did you just compare me to Bruce Willis?
Hubs: I guess I did.
Me: So that's, like, a huge compliment.
Hubs: I guess it is.

Warm It Up

Hubs walks up behind me and rubs against my butt. 

Hubs: Are you turned on?
Me: Oh, yes.
Hubs: [walks away]
Me: So you turn me on and just leave? Are you letting me preheat?

Just the Temp

Hubs is checking his weather app.

Hubs: Guess what the temperature is going to be on Thursday.
Me: 69.
Hubs: How did you know that?
Me: Because that's the only reason you'd ask me.
Hubs: Yeah, but I could've been surprised that it was going to be, like, 80. Or drop to 40.
Me: And you would've said, "Hey, it's going to be 80 on Thursday." The fact that you asked me gave it away.
Hubs: Damn. I gotta work on my tells.

Free At Last

The following was posted on a Facebook page I follow and I had to show it to Hubs:

Me: Obituaries are going to become a thing of the past. I mean , I wouldn't put a notice in paper if you died.
Hubs: Well, it wouldn't be an obituary. It would be more like, "Party at Hayley's House!"

Ascension into Hell

Hubs and I just returned from a trip to Prague, where we visited Prague Castle and Saint Vitus Cathedral. Construction on the cathedral began in 1344 and it boasts a giant clock tower whose main spire reaches a height of 317 feet. We purchased tickets to climb the tower without really thinking about what we were getting into -- which was 287 steps up a spiral staircase with steps about three feet wide.

We thought. We were going. To die.

Photo credit to Hubs

We finally reached the ground again, dizzy and trying to catch our breath, and looked back up at the tower. I was still in awe of the history and architecture around us and was feeling pretty blissful about the experience. Until...

Hubs: Where did we climb to?
Me: Those big openings at the top.
Hubs: Well, that was dumb.

Wrong Direction

Hubs and I listen to vastly different music. We're at a restaurant when the One Direction song "Story of My Life" comes on.

Hubs: Who is this?
Me: Are you messing with me?
Hubs: No; this is a good song.
Me: Seriously. You're not messing with me?
Hubs: No; I really don't know who this is, but I like this song.
Me: Ohmigod me too! It's One Direction and I loved it the first time I heard it but I didn't know it was them and now I feel like I can't listen to it just on principle!
Hubs: Ha! I got you to admit that you like One Direction!
Me: You shit! You knew who this was?
Hubs: I got you!
Me: But how do you know who it is? The only way you'd know that is because I told you, and you never listen to me.
Hubs: I always listen to you. I just choose what information to retain.
Me: I hate you so much right now.

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood, Part Fo'

I adore the women in my neighborhood. We have a chat going on Facebook and discuss the most random things. Last night it was how all of our furniture has been destroyed by children and pets. And adults.

Let Me Google That for You

Me: What did people do before Google?
Hubs: They fucked their shit up.

Jet Lag

We've just arrived at the airport in Prague and have been awake for almost 24 hours. I've started saying stupid shit and Hubs is rolling his eyes.

Me: Leave me alone. I'm tired. [Pause] Except I'm always like this.
Hubs: Like what?
Me: Embarrassing. Tired and embarrassing.
Hubs: You know, if I had to choose two words to describe you, those would be the ones.
Me: Well, if I had to choose two words to describe you, they would be ass and hole.

Quiverfull, Part Deux and Counting

Our daughters have started insisting that Daddy move from his regular seat at the dining table to sit between them instead, which puts Hubs at the head of the table. I walk in one night to find him sitting there without being asked by the girls. 

Me: Oh. So we're doing this now?
Hubs: It's fitting. I should sit at the head because I'm the man in the family. I'm the master of this house. [looks me up and down] Where's your jean skirt?

So I Birthed an Axe Murderer

Texting with my mom, who says the most terrifying things.

For the children of the nineties who might appreciate this. . .

Digging for Gold

With a colleague:

Red Red Wine under the Joshua Tree by the Love Shack

Texting with Hubs and my parents:

Easily Pleased

Thanks to my parents, we're getting a whole weekend without our kids. This was the conversation with my mom.

Majestic Lake Splat

As the Fire Starts to Mellow, Part Deux

Ever the consummate nerd, Hubs has pre-ordered the PlayStation VR and it's set to arrive on October 13.

Me: We have so much going on that day. 5yo has her first field trip. 3yo has school pictures. It's our anniversary.
Hubs: And the PlayStation VR arrives that day.
Me: Gah. And I won't see you for weeks. [pause] Ooh! Happy anniversary to me!
Hubs: See? It all works out.

Why Pull Punches?

Hubs: Thanks for putting up with me.
Me: Well, it's easier than starting over.
Hubs: Wow. But true.

Gangsta Lean

Texting with a friend.

I sent the screenshot above to a different friend and this exchange followed:

The Roof Is (For Real) on Fire

Can you honestly read this and say it's not brilliant?

The Roof Is (Not Actually) on Fire

Messaging with Hubs

Strangers with Candy

We're trying to get our daughters into the bathtub and I'm ashamed to admit how often we resort to bribery. 

Hubs (to the 3yo): Take your clothes off and you can have some candy.
Me: This is what you're teaching her? If she takes her clothes off she gets candy?
Hubs: Hey, it worked on you. 

Me: That's going on the blog.

Here Comes the Boom, Part Deux

Texting with Hubs when I found out that Michael Phelps has a kid named Boomer.

  

For more boom (but not Boomer), click here.

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood, Part Tres

The smart people in my neighborhood are ruthless, and it's funniest when the target remains oblivious.

For more neighborhood shenanigans, click here or here.

Philly Illy, Part Deux

For more cheesesteak bliss, click here.

Urination Elevation

Hubs: What are they building over there?
Me: Looks like apartments.
Hubs: Or a hotel.
Me: Yeah, but they all have balconies.
Hubs: Nice hotels have balconies. I know because every time I stay in one I pee off it.

Birthmas

I'm an only child and am legitimately spoiled, even now that I'm married and thirty-mumble years old. This birthday was particularly bad; my parents took me to lunch on my birthday, another lunch over the weekend, and we celebrated with both lunch and dinner the following weekend. Poor Hubs has a birthday that's within days of Christmas, and (rightfully) laments the fact that his birthday celebration usually consists of a ten-minute timeout on Christmas day when all the family is gathered.

Hubs: We just ate your fourth birthday meal. Fourth.
Me: I know.
Hubs: I can't wait to enjoy my birthday White Castles that I have to eat in the drive thru while I'm still in the car.
My mom: No... It's your fortieth, right?
Hubs: Yes.
My mom: So you can go through the drive thru two times!

Terms of Endearment

This is how Hubs likes to label our drinks.

Vomitorium

My kids were vomiting last week and my mom offered me some advice.

Fat Camp

We got together with my parents today to belatedly celebrate my birthday. Hubs already bought me some exercise DVDs (at my request, not because he has a death wish). My mom bought me a new swimsuit that bore this tag:

Me: Um... Okay.
My mom: I swear I did not see that until after I bought it.
My dad: You could wear two of them and look twenty pounds lighter!
Me: So Hubs bought me workout videos and you got me a slimming swimsuit...
My dad: [handing me another gift] And here's your subscription to NutriSystem!


(For the record, I'm not fat and none of the comments were malicious. I don't want anyone thinking my family is comprised of actual assholes.)

Small Packages

Yesterday was my birthday.

Hubs: Did you see the thing I posted on Facebook?
Me: No - I was busy today and just managed to keep up with the birthday wishes.
Hubs: Did you get the text I sent you of my junk?
Me: Yes, but it was so small I couldn't see it.
Hubs: That's the one, then.

Big Brain Person

We drive past some warehouses with for sale signs outside. One of them boasts 52,000 square feet.

Me: Fifty-two thousand square feet? I can't even wrap my head around that.
Hubs: You probably could. Your head is pretty big.

[In his defense, I do have an unusually large noggin. I have to wear men's hats.]

Bustin' Heads

I recently took a road trip with my 3yo and 5yo daughters and made some lap desks to help keep them entertained.

Slim Shady

Our five-year-old decided to have a fashion show and this is what she came up with for one trip down the catwalk:

Me: Well, you look rather... urban.
Hubs: She looks like a white Eminem.

Confucious Say

Hubs's fortune:

Hubs: I think this is yours. Shouldn't it have an S at the end?

Teaching Me a Lesson, Part Deux

Hubs spots a weird pattern on my leg:

Hubs: What did you do? Were you leaning on a Lego? 

Me: No..? I don't think so. [I check the soles of my shoes but they're striped] 

Hubs: [checks the bottoms of his shoes and it's a match] Oh. It's probably from where I had to learn you earlier.

Party Pooper

A close friend got married recently and had a party a few weeks later. I'd already planned a road trip and couldn't attend.

Daredevil

Sometimes, as a parent, you realize your kids have to learn lessons for themselves and so you let them take risks. It's for their own good. In no way could this be construed as lazy parenting.

Working Girl

A friend of mine is presenting at a conference that I'm helping to coordinate.

WASPs

Oodles of Zoodles

My inlaws bicker a lot; it's like their love language or something. They also inundate us with homegrown produce every summer. With the most recent round of squash, I turned some into noodles and gave them back to my MIL.

MIL: How did you do that?
Me: I have a spiralizer. If you like these, I'll send you the Amazon link to the one I got.
FIL: You could just hook a drill up to it. That would make spirals.
MIL: Why don't we just smash them through the holes in your head?
FIL: Nah. [Pause] They wouldn't come out skinny enough.

24 / 7 / 365

Me: Costco closes at six.
Hubs: What time does your face close?
Me: Never.

Dead Men Tell No Tales

Flying Pigs

Texting with my parents

Aunt Flo

Our daughters are three and five and although they frequently want to do the same things, they never want to do them at the same time.

Me: Why are they never together on this?
Hubs: I know. They're sisters; they're supposed to be in sync.
Me: You know one day they will be in sync and not the way you're talking about. In the way you don't want to think about.
Hubs: One day it'll be all three of you.
Me: No, I'm on the pill.
Hubs: Well, you'll be in sync when they start taking medicine to "control" their "acne".

Pavlov's Wife

The Jersey Mike's (sandwich chain) in town is relatively new and the same small crew is on duty pretty much every time we go. Somehow Hubs always ends up showing up in Bengals gear and has developed a complex about becoming known as "The Bengals Guy".

Hubs: It figures we would decide to go to Jersey Mike's today. [points to his Bengals t-shirt]
Me: Figures.
Hubs: There must be something about Cincinnati that makes you want sandwiches.
Me: There must be.
Hubs: I wonder if I could find a shirt that makes you want [laughs] ... nevermind.
Me: Oh, like a shirt that I'd look at and be like, Mmm... dick.
Hubs: I would buy fifty of those.

The 1%

Millions of Peaches. Peaches for Me.

I'm living vicariously through a friend who just moved to NYC. Her stories are delicious.

Futbol

We're watching the UEFA Euro 2016 (soccer) tournament. 

Hubs: They put trackers on their jerseys now. That dude who just came off the field has run ten kilometers so far. [his expression is incredulous]
Me: What is that? Like, six miles?
Hubs: I don't know. Just ten kilometers.
Me: If you wanna impress me, talk American.
Hubs: You're the reason Trump is going to get elected.

[For the record, 10 km is 6.214 mi. Bam, bitches.]

It Puts the Lotion on the Towel

Hubs has just gotten out of the shower in the morning and is putting lotion on his face when I stop to kiss him goodbye.

Me: Ew! There's lotion on your lips.
Hubs: Oh, sorry. Here. [hands me his bath towel and I wipe my mouth off]
Me: Wait. Was that the face end or the butt end?
Hubs: It's all butt end.
Me: Did you just call yourself a buttface?
Hubs: [considers] I suppose I did.

Spreading the Love

I hate it when I hiccup and burp at the same time. At our house we refer to that as a "hurp".

Me: [hurping noisily] I have the hurps.
Hubs: You have herpes?
Me: Yes, herpes.
Hubs: You know, that's the kind of thing you should share with your partner.
Me: I already have...

Kevorkian

My mom was recently having some medical stuff done and was attached to an IV pole that ran on electricity with a battery backup. 

My mom: I'm going to get up for a minute. Can you unplug that? 

Me: Sure. [unplugging the cord] Oh my god. I just pulled the plug on my mom. 

My dad: It's good practice for later.

Nice Save

Me: Why don't you shut up?
Hubs: Well, why don't you. . . keep telling me what to do because I love it.

Reputation Management

We're at my parents' celebrating Memorial Day and Hubs and my dad have left to make a run to Liquor Barn. In the meantime, I've broken into the appetizers. 

My mom: Did you leave the cheeseball out for the guys?
Me: Yeah. Well, it wasn't so much "leaving it out for them" as it was "not bothering to put it away". But thanks for spinning it.

Sleepy Grumpy Happy Dopey Sneezy Bashful and Doc

I just got home from work and picking up our daughters from school. They both start singing the "Heigh-Ho" song from Snow White. 

Hubs: [turning to me] Speaking of "Hi, Ho", how was your day?

Gastronomy

My mom: Do you all ever age your beef?
Hubs: What?
My mom: You know, people buy steaks and leave them in the fridge for, like, a week or something.
Me: Oh. Not intentionally, but yes.
Hubs: So that's a thing?
My mom: Yeah.
Me: So we've been doing something artisan this whole time? Man. We age all kinds of things. 

My dad: Turkey, cheese, vegetables. . . 

Me: I found green bacon last week. 

Queen Bey

Me: So apparently Beyonce's new album is about Jay-Z's affairs. Why would anyone cheat on Beyonce? I mean, she's Beyonce.
Hubs: Well, he's so arrogant he thinks he can do whatever he wants.
Me: Yeah, but Beyonce. I mean, it's not like he could upgrade. I don't care who he was screwing around with; he was slumming it.
Hubs: True.
Me: Maybe he has a thing for women who wear pants.
Hubs: Or someone who can dance.

Pop Pop

I'm obsessed with dermatology videos on YouTube. Yes, they're disgusting, but they're also incredibly satisfying and some of the best ones are home videos. I decided to share my all-time favorite with a friend.

 

If you'd like to check out the video, you can find it here. It's graphic but if you have a strong stomach, it's also hilarious. 

Your Legs Ain't Broke

Hubs and I pull up at a gas station for snacks and I don't feel like going inside.

Me: Why don't you go get me a drink?
Hubs: What do I look like?
Me: Someone with two legs and some money.

Thighs Like What (What What)

I shared a funny picture on our neighborhood Facebook page.

GoT Recipes?

A friend has decided to write a cookbook based on Game of Thrones and she solicited help coming up with recipe ideas. This is what happened.

Khaleesi

There's a movie being filmed in our city soon and one of the actors involved is Emilia Clarke, who plays Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones.

Hubs: Filming starts next week.
Me: And she'll actually be here in town?
Hubs: It says yes.
Me: Maybe I'll wander downtown to get a look. Maybe she'll make out with me.
Hubs: Oh really. So you'd like that?
Me: She's hot.
Hubs: You didn't say no. . .

Can you blame me?

Adventures of a Dance Dad

Hubs sat through a ballet dress rehearsal for our five-year-old.

** Note: in our parenting world, the term "big girl" refers to any female over the age of ten.