Copping a Feel

Any time Hubs walks past me (with no witnesses) he grabs my butt. So when we're home alone it's particularly bad.

Me: Seriously? Staaahp!
Hubs: You should be happy that I want to touch you.
Me: Should I?
Hubs: Yes! I could just not touch you at all.
Me: Could you? Could you please do that?

Hubby Knows Breast

I'm already in bed, under the covers and reading, when Hubs stumbles in from getting our daughter to sleep. Without a word, he tries to straddle me but misjudges and his knee lands on my thigh. As I yelp and push him away, he laughs and a tiny bit of spittle hits my cheek, which makes him laugh harder.

Me: Gah! What is wrong with you?! You break my femur and then spit in my face?!
Hubs: How can I make it a trifecta?
Me: Please don't fart on me.
Hubs: Want me to punch your boob?

Dumb Jock

4yo: American Girl dolls are made in the same as our state!
Me: In this state?
4yo: Yes!
Me: I don't think so, sweetie.
4yo: But they are! You know, Americannn like Americaaaa.
Hubs: They still give out athletic scholarships, right?

Amuse Bouche

I'm getting ready for work when Hubs starts undressing to get in the shower.

Hubs: [turning his back to me] Ready for the best thing you'll see all day? [slowly lowering his boxers a couple inches]
Me: I'm not looking.
Hubs: Why not?
Me: It was just a peek. It wasn't even the whole thing.
Hubs: It's supposed to whet your appetite. It was the hors d'oeuvre of your desire. The appetizer of your affection. The lead-up to your lust.
Me: It was none of those things.

In Russia, Chocolate Eat You

Hubs and I are fascinated and amused by foreign snacks and candy, so when I found a subscription service that ships a box of international goodies once a month I had to sign us up. Our first delivery just arrived and everything in it was from Russia.

Me: The milk chocolate isn't bad.
Hubs: It's good. [closes his eyes] This one is from the Chernobyl region.
Me: What?
Hubs: You know how I can tell?
Me: Oh lord.
Hubs: I just grew a third nut.




If you're interested in joining us on our international junk food adventure, check out Try Treats
(Also, yes: we know that Chernobyl is in the Ukraine, not Russia.)

In a Pickle

Hubs and I are foodies and we're sampling some of the different pickles I've made.

Hubs: I forgot how good these are. I'm going to snack on them later.
Me: [gesturing to myself] You can snack on thisss later.
Hubs: Huh. I was about to say that these pickles are going to be the best thing I put in my mouth all day, but...
Me: Meh. Still could be.
Hubs: Wow. Well, you're honest.
Me: A better husband would've argued.

All About Eve

New Year's Eve was cold here and when the ball dropped it was 10 degrees with a wind chill in the single digits.

Me: I'm laughing thinking about all the girls who will be out tonight with their sleeveless dresses and short skirts. I can't imagine doing that.
Hubs: Hey! You leave those girls alone!
Me: You leave those girls alone.

Push To Start

We're celebrating a belated Christmas with my parents and they give Hubs a new gadget to connect our ceiling fan to our home automation system.

Hubs: Now we can just say on and the ceiling fan will turn on.
My mom: [pointing at me] Do you have a switch like that for her?
My dad: I'm sure he'd like to say he already has a tool for that.