Precious Cargo

Our girls have been playing on a volleyball court and are each wearing about three pounds of sand. We're at a campground and decide to throw them in the cargo space of the SUV while we drive around the corner.

My mom: You're putting them in the back?
Me: Yes. They're nasty. There's no way we're putting them in their seats.
Hubs: Half of my childhood trips were in the bed of my grandfather's truck.
My mom: Be careful.
Me: I feel like such a redneck right now.
Hubs: They're fine. I gave them both a beer. 

My Friends > Your Friends

Just a smattering of funny things my friends said, no context needed.

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Family Ties

We're headed to a family reunion.

Me: I'm glad the girls will get to see their cousins.
Hubs: But not like real cousins, right?
Me: Correct.
Hubs: They're all something removed?
Me: Yes. They're... Third cousins twice removed?
Hubs: See? That's not close at all. That's not even incest anymore.

Tale of a Tail Fail

If you don't have the Wish app, you're missing out.

Arachnophobia, Part Deux

My friend's husband is deathly, paralyzingly, irrationally afraid of spiders. He sent her this text the other day:

And of course she shared it with us.

For more spider scares, click here

Devil May Care

My sister-in-law is Jewish but fully supports my devout atheism.

I Can't Even

My oldest just finished first grade.

Purple Friend

If your friends don't share stories about their vibrators, they're not really your friends. I'm just saying.

Costume Conundrums

Why are elementary schools so fond of spirit weeks involving costumes? I get that it's fun for the kids but it's not like any of the parents keep up with that shit.