Badd Spellar

Turns out I also Dan Quayle'd Dan Quayle.

Brunch Skunks

Lower Them Again

Hubs: You know, I do have standards.
Me: [belching] You sure about that?

Gemini

GPS: Turn left on to Interstate 69 south.
Hubs: [snort-giggles like a high schooler]
Me: Really?
Hubs: Oh, c'mon. You don't want to go south on sixty-nine?

What Happens in Vegas

I've recently lost a respectable amount of weight. Hubs spots me getting out of the shower and waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Me: Thanks! I need to get back on it, though. I have until May.
Hubs: What's in May?
Me: Vegas!
Hubs: Oh, riiight. You wanna turn heads when you walk down the strip.
Me: Yup.
Hubs: Like I do when I go.
Me: Yes. I want to know what it feels like to be you.
Hubs: Some things just aren't achievable, dear.

Keeping It in the Family, Part Tres

Sometimes MadLibs take a turn for the worse...

For more awkward family moments, click here or here or here.

Caveat Emptor, Part Deux

Hubs: Are you just going to keep telling me what to do?
Me: Isn't that why you bought me?

My New YouTube Channel

Two things: Hubs and I are having chili for dinner, and our daughters are performing in a musical showcase at their elementary school.

Asshole

Preface: Hubs is bald. We're watching TV and see an ad for a hair replacement procedure.

Hubs: 'Hey, you piece of shit! You need hair! I bet you feel pretty worthless without it.'
Me: You know how that commercial made you feel? That's how every makeup commercial talks to women. Every shampoo commercial. Clothing. Skin care.
Hubs: Yeah, but some of you need it.

Mother of the Year

My mother has *exactly* the right amount of faith in me.

Par for the Course

Hubs was on a roll last night.

Like a Fine Wine

I love my parents.

My Friends > Your Friends, Part Tres

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I Got Chills. . . They're Multiplyin'

In an unfortunate moment of weakness Hubs once told me that his first-ever crush was on Olivia Newton-John, and it was due to the movie Grease. Therefore, I bought him a bad girl Sandy Funko Pop  for Father's Day. The other night I convinced Hubs to watch the movie while we played a game.

Me: Wait... Did I buy you the wrong Funko?
Hubs: What?
Me: I mean, you were little when you saw this. Maybe you were attracted to wholesome Sandy.
Hubs: Huh. I'd never thought about it. I guess we're about to find out.
Me: Ooh! I know! I'll just stare at your crotch and when I see movement we'll know.

Mango Mussolini

A friend of mine is married to an African American guy, which I wouldn't mention except that it's relevant to the story. Also, the Cheeto in Chief is coming to a town near us.


She received this text from a friend:

And forwarded it to us:

Touche

Hubs: Hey! The new season of Ozark comes out on August 31st.
Me: I've told you that twice.
Hubs: And now I've told you once.

My Friends > Your Friends, Part Deux

Just more tidbits from my fabulous friends.

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Balls

Illicit Activities

Let the Spirit Move You

I'm pretty sure we've already established that I'm a horrible person. So come be a part of my world.

 

Parents of the Year

Our kindergartener has mellowed out in the past year or so and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster because she was an intense little kid. In pre-K her teacher asked parents to write a short note about why our kid was special.

Hubs: Hmm.
Me: Yeah.
Hubs: Well...
Me: I mean...
Hubs: Umm...
Me: Can we just say, "She's not as much of an asshole as she used to be"?

Ask Dick Clark

Some recent events forced me to have the puberty talk with our seven-year-old daughter a bit sooner than anticipated. Hubs and I are later discussing it.

Me: The window starts at about nine years. Nine to thirteen.

Hubs: I don't want to think about that.

Me: I had to start shaving my pits when I was nine. 

Hubs: [frowning] When did my balls drop? 

Me: Have they yet? 

Hubs: I check them every day! 

Feliz Cumpleaños

It was recently my birthday, so I begged some babysitting from my parents. This was the response from my dad.

And this happened at my celebration dinner.

Quiverfull, Part Tres and Counting

Hubs comes to me, his phone pressed against his chest to conceal the image.

Hubs: Okay, so it's expensive but...
Me: But what?
Hubs: It's expensive but it's for Christmas.
Me: Ohmigod. Is it a sister wife?
Hubs: You got me.
Me: I'm so excited!
Hubs: It's a three pack!


For more Quiverfull madness, click here or here.

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood, Part Five

People post the strangest things on neighborhood Facebook pages.

For more stories from my neighborhood, click here or here or here or here.

New Ride

I'm short. Just plain short.

Priorities

I'm trying to explain one of my pet peeves to Hubs but he insists on being an ass about it.

Me: If I didn't value my phone more than I value you, I'd throw it at you.

Called Out

Driving on back roads one night, I found this little guy:

The next day brought this:

Size Matters, Part Five

Hubs: I have a question that I can really only ask you.
Me: Ugh. It's the perfect size and I'm satisfied.
Hubs: No, no, no. I have plenty of people I could ask about that.


For more inappropriate Size Matters, see: here or here or here or here or here.

Spousal Support

Hubs is incredibly helpful.

Aquaman

We're discussing my crush on Tommy Shelby when Hubs starts asking about other actors.

Hubs: What about Jon Snow? Isn't he every woman's dream?
Me: Meh. He's attractive, yes, but whatever.
Hubs: Aquaman? What's his name?
Me: Jason Momoa? [I surprise myself by following his name with an uncontrollable feral growl]
Hubs: [jumping back] Good lord. That came up from your soul.
Me: It was, um, farther south than that.
Hubs: That sound didn't come from your mouth at all, did it?
Me: Nope. Just opened it so I wouldn't look suspicious.

Hey Hey Hey

Search Party

Pube Crickets

During my recent trip to Chippendale's, I texted the husband of one of the other women in our party.

For more stripper tales and pube crickets, click here.

Savoir Faire

Charmin Ultra Soft

I discovered while Hubs was out of town that he purchased single ply toilet paper. It's one of the first things I bring up when he gets home.

Me: So... the toilet paper.

Hubs: [grimacing] Yeah... I knew you'd notice that while I was gone. 

Me: It's probably best. I've had a few days to calm down about it.

Hubs: Oh. Wow. Well, I bought a giant pack of it at Costco.

Me: And? 

Hubs: Aaaand... I'm going to buy more toilet paper?

Me: Damn straight.

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Me: The FitBit app just updated. They added a section for tracking Female Health.
Hubs: Huh. Like your period?
Me: Yes. And fertility.
Hubs: Cool.
Me: But also headaches and mood swings.
Hubs: Oh god. You'll need a bigger FitBit.

Shake, Shake, Shake Senora

Hubs and I are at opposite ends of the cereal aisle when we simultaneously pick up a box, step away from the shelf, and shake the box. We slowly look up at each other in horror and the millennial standing between us gets freaked out, laughs nervously, and says, "That was weird," before hastily grabbing his cereal and hurrying away.

Me: Dude. We just gave that kid a story. [high five]

Life, Ahh, Finds a Way

I'm telling Hubs about a video I saw where Jeff Goldblum reviews tattoos of himself.

Hubs: I'm going to get a Mario tattoo on my lower back .
Me: Which Mario? Lopez?
Hubs: Is there another Mario?
Me: Why is he so popular?
Hubs: It's the dimples. They're irresistible.


For the Jeff Goldblum video, click here.

Martyrs Don't Wear Pants

Oh Hell Naw

Hubs: We could have another baby.
Me: HA! Not happening.
Hubs: Oh, come on. You have some vagina left.

Sink Sank Sunk

You know what's lovely? Having a friend who makes her own vinyl stickers.

Golden Oldies

Hubs and I are eating dinner in silence.

Me: We're so old.
Hubs: What?
Me: We're old.
Hubs: Guess who I ran into at the bar tonight?
Me: What are you talking about?
Hubs: Isn't that what young people do? Go to bars?
Me: I guess..?
Hubs: This one dude in our crew was all, "I have to stay at home and hang out with my girlfriend," and we were all, "That's lame, bro," but he's still cool. Then I got on SnapChat and I made a meme and it went viral. It got, like, twenty-five views. Then I had some avocado toast to celebrate.

Precious Cargo

Our girls have been playing on a volleyball court and are each wearing about three pounds of sand. We're at a campground and decide to throw them in the cargo space of the SUV while we drive around the corner.

My mom: You're putting them in the back?
Me: Yes. They're nasty. There's no way we're putting them in their seats.
Hubs: Half of my childhood trips were in the bed of my grandfather's truck.
My mom: Be careful.
Me: I feel like such a redneck right now.
Hubs: They're fine. I gave them both a beer. 

My Friends > Your Friends

Just a smattering of funny things my friends said, no context needed.

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Family Ties

We're headed to a family reunion.

Me: I'm glad the girls will get to see their cousins.
Hubs: But not like real cousins, right?
Me: Correct.
Hubs: They're all something removed?
Me: Yes. They're... Third cousins twice removed?
Hubs: See? That's not close at all. That's not even incest anymore.

Tale of a Tail Fail

If you don't have the Wish app, you're missing out.

Arachnophobia, Part Deux

My friend's husband is deathly, paralyzingly, irrationally afraid of spiders. He sent her this text the other day:

And of course she shared it with us.

For more spider scares, click here

Devil May Care

My sister-in-law is Jewish but fully supports my devout atheism.

I Can't Even

My oldest just finished first grade.