Not Exactly a Surprise

We're watching a TV show where a middle-aged family man is finally coming out of the closet.

Hubs: You should be preparing yourself for that possibility. I might decide I'm gay someday.
Me: It's not like it would be a shock.

Shak-quester

Shakira is performing and I am going to sequester myself to watch her. 

Me: So... Just get whatever you need from our bedroom and stay out for a while. I'll be in there with the door locked. 

Hubs: I won't see you that evening? 

Me: No. I'm not coming out. I'll make sure I have water. Maybe some crackers. 

 

She's still a goddess. For more Shakira, click here or here or here or here or here or here.   

Yo Mama Has a Glass Eye with a Fish in It

My daughters are fond of the "yo mama" retort and all its iterations. 

Hubs: What do y'all want to watch? 

15yo: Let's watch Blade. 

12yo: No, I want to watch more of a horror movie. 

15yo: Your mother is a horror movie. 

12yo: Mom, are you a horror movie? 

Me: I'm a shit show. Does that count? 

The Way to My Heart

Hubs and I are big fans of Jersey Mike's. We usually get cheesesteaks to eat immediately, and a cold sub to split the next day.

MILF

We live in a rural area where Dollar Generals abound. 

 

 

It Takes Two

Hubs: Why are you always so mean and hateful to me?

Me: Why do you continue to take it like a giant loser? 

Hubs: Valid question. 

Take a Number

Touché, Sir

While waiting for me to shower, Hubs is playing a video game wherein he is a female character. When I arrive downstairs I immediately accost him. 

Me: Pay attention to me. I have boobs.

Hubs: So does she. 

Mother of the Year

My 12yo attempts a task and can't do it.

Her: Ugh! You do it. I'm too stupid. 

Me: You are NOT stupid, sweetheart. You're just a loser.

What Just Happened?

I took three middle school girls to a pop concert at a 10,000 person venue. I forgot my earplugs. I entertained myself by bothering Hubs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Not What It Looks Like

I'm clumsy and recently gave myself a small shiner instead of the usual knee and arm bruises. I don't wear makeup but desperately needed to cover up the bruise so Hubs and I made a trip to CVS.

Me: Oh my god. This song. 

Hubs: What about it? 

Me: I haven't heard it in years. It's on the playlist I made for 14yo when I was pregnant. 

Hubs: Aww. 

Me: Oh no. I'm going to cry. Oh shit. Should I go outside? 

Hubs: Why?

Me: Because I'm standing here with a man looming over me, holding concealer in my hand, crying, with a black eye.

Hubs: Riiiiiight. 

Hangry, Hangry Hubbo

We're at a restaurant. Hubs has been trying to lose weight and has eaten exactly half of his meal.

Hubs: I guess I should stop here.

Me: It's the perfect spot. I support this decision.

Hubs: Why don't you MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?! 

Like a Virgin

14yo has asked to visit a pop-up local art show at a comic book store where all the "artists" were under the drinking age. It is 80% homemade trinkets illegally featuring trademarked Anime/Manga characters (which delighted my daughter). The room is packed. I text Hubs. 

They're All the Dame to Me

Hubs and I have spotted a new movie on Netflix.

Hubs: Hey! It's got that one old lady. 

Me: "That one old lady"? 

Him: Yeah. 

Me: Do you mean Dame Helen Mirren? 

Him: Sure. Oh - and the show with the other one is on our list. We need to watch it. The new Slow Horses.

Me: By "the other one," do you mean Dame Emma Thompson? 

Him: Yeah. 

Me: So this movie has *this* Helen Mirren, but the other show has the *other* Helen Mirren, who is Emma Thompson.

Hubs: Yeah. 

Wild Times with Wildlife

The friend telling the tale is married to a firefighter. At the time of this story, said husband was less than two months out from major surgery (the details of which I will not spoil here).

Like Eleanor Shellstrop, I'm a Legit Snack

We're sitting in a restaurant and I'm sweating, which is weird because I'm usually cold.

Me: We might have to move outside. 

Hubs: Seriously, though. Why are you so hot? 

Me: It's one of the great mysteries of the universe. 

Hold It!

We're road tripping through a remote section of Washington state and I absentmindedly chug half a bottle of Coke. 

Me: Oh no. 

Hubs: How much did you drink? 

Me: Too much. 

Hubs: [sighs] 

Me: Yeah. That's going to come back to bite me in the urethra. 

Memento Mori

Just because we've been friends for thirty years doesn't mean we've learned how to communicate.