Round Peg in a Square Hole

Hubs seems to have a mental block when it comes to remembering where we store things in our kitchen. And bathrooms. And our daughters' bedrooms. And our attic. And anyplace else we can store things. We're emptying the dishwasher and he's attempting to put away the clean Tupperware.

Me: What are you doing? Why would you try to put a round container inside a rectangular one?
Hubs: I couldn't find any others like this, so I just thought I'd put it here.
Me: Look to the left.
Hubs: Oh. I didn't see those.
Me: You don't say.
Hubs: I was just trying to put it with others like it. . .
Me: Oh, so you put it with the square circles. That makes sense.

Making America Great Again

Our parents are discussing interesting (aka disgusting) things they've eaten.

My mom: We grew up eating beef tongue. It's just like roast beef.
Hubs's mom: That's really popular among Hispanics.
Hubs: That's disgusting.
Hubs's mom: No, really. I used to work with a woman from Mexico and she said they ate it all the time.
Hubs: That's fine. They can eat it on their side of the wall.

Quiverfull

It's Easter and our daughters are taking turns hiding eggs for each other while Hubs and I relax on the patio. 

Me: This. This is why we had two children.
Hubs: I know! We're not even doing anything.
Me: It's lovely.
Hubs: My confidence is up right now. Let's just go all out like the Duggar lady and have a ton of kids. We'd never have to do anything! We'd make them cook dinner, and the big ones would watch the little ones... It would be great. And if you end up with a body [read: vagina] like the Duggar lady, then when we go to the lake in the summer you can parasail with no equipment! Just pppptttt through the air.

Irreconcilable Differences

Hubs: I've been thinking about getting some thumb rings.
Me: Go ahead. I'll make out well in the divorce.

[I feel it necessary to explain that Hubs was just joking. He's not a douchecanoe.]

Play It Again, Sam

We're at a Moroccan restaurant and our baklava is served with a side of date sauce (a mix of pureed dates, orange rind, and cloves). It was divine. 

Hubs: Are you done? 
Me: Maybe. I might lick the rest of this date sauce. 
Hubs: Do you like licking... date sauce?

Finders Creepers

We've lost the five-year-old's ballet shoes, and are brainstorming with my parents about where to look next.

Hubs, to my dad: You didn't find them in your car?
My dad: Nope.
Me: I told you that. He found one Hello Kitty shoe and a pair of panties.
My mom: And those were mine.

What They Don't Know Might Kill Them

Hubs and I are getting our daughters (ages 5 and almost 3) ready for a day with my parents (and out of our hair). They're both crying about their outfits and the 3yo is insisting on wearing the same clothes she's had on for 24 hours because we already caved and let her sleep in yesterday's outfit. We finally get them together.

Hubs: This is kind of mean but kind of funny... Let's not tell your parents about the meltdowns and just hope they can get those clothes off her later.
Me: I find it funny that you think you need to ask me to be a co-conspirator in that plan. I invented that plan.