Sex and Violins

More awesome texting with my mom.

Yertle

We're in the car when a Wilson Phillips song comes on. I immediately crank it up and start singing along.

Hubs: I can feel my penis shrinking. It's like a scared turtle right now.

Bullseye

I'm handing my paycheck to Target when the cashier notices that my mascara is about to be thrown in a bag of bulky winter boots and a cart full of other stuff I didn't intend to buy. My kids have been all over the place, the trip has already taken three times longer than anticipated, and my 6yo is starting to cry because her sister picked out the wrong kind of candy corn.

Cashier: Do you want to put the mascara in your purse?
Me: Oh. Um. I guess... Sure. [pause] And thank you for thinking I have standards.

Keen on Keeneland

Horse racing is more than a tradition in Kentucky; it's a religion. It's also very popular among college kids, who seem to be able to ruin anything. My friend Sam had a lot of complaints about her recent visit to the track.

Two Snaps Up

Hubs and I are watching one of those stupid monster-hunting shows. There are people claiming that they encountered a creature like Big Foot but with wings. 

Hubs: I'm willing to believe that there could be some type of Big Foot something living in the woods, but not one with wings. I mean, they're saying it's a sasquatch and a dragon? Seriously? Someone would've seen that before.

Me: Agreed. No way.

Hubs: What would you even call that?

Me: Dragonsquatch.

Hubs: That makes sense.

Me: Yeah, but one day you'd encounter one and of course it would be, like, the drag queen version and you'd say, "Hey, are you a dragonsquatch?" and she'd say, "No, bitch. I'm a sassdragon."

Stupid is as Stupid Does, Part Tres

Me: It's just stupid.
6yo: Mommy. You just said a word we're not allowed to say.
Me: What, stupid?
6yo: Yes.
Me: Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.
6yo [stunned]: She said it again.
Hubs: That's because Mommy's stupid.

We All Float Down Here

Hubs recently went out of town, but we're able to monitor our security system from anywhere.