Captain Underpants

Me: I've noticed that more often than not, the garage door is unlocked when I get home.
Hubs: That's because I leave it unlocked.
Me: What? Since when?
Hubs: Since always.
Me: We've lived here a year and a half. How have I never noticed this?
Hubs: You also don't notice that I wear your underwear.
Me: You what?
Hubs: Huh? I didn't say anything.
[I start walking away.]
Hubs: [whispering] . . . on my head.

Lightning Deals

We do all of our holiday shopping on Amazon, and Hubs waits all year for their Black Friday --> Cyber Monday sales. He is particularly obsessed with the lightning deals, and maps out his day to be sure he's online when certain items go up for grabs. We slept in separate rooms last night because he set an alarm for 3 am to get a cheap GPS. Lightning deals are all I've heard about for the past three days.

Hubs: No matter what you ask me this weekend, the answer is going to be "lightning deal. "
Me: So if I ask whether you want to go do it. . .
Hubs: Lightning deal!
Me: Maybe I'll just put it in my cart and think about it. It expires after fifteen minutes right?
Hubs: I don’t need fifteen minutes.

Give an Inch (or Less)

We've lived in the same house for 18 months and Hubs has just recently begun misjudging when he pulls his car into the garage.

Me: You just cleared that by millimeters. Millimeters.
Hubs: Millimeters are all I need. You remember that later.

Cause and Effect

My grandfather lives in the middle of nowhere with my aunt. They frequently have stray cats (and thus litters of kittens) around. As felines are wont to do, the strays always find the warmest, coziest spots to hide and sleep. 

Gramps walks into my aunt's kitchen one morning and says, "My fan belt's off and you're missing a kitten."

Animal House

Our toddler is hobbling around the house with her pants around her ankles.

Hubs: Pull up your panties so we can go eat dinner.
Me: I bet you never thought you'd say that.
Hubs: Not since college, no.

Maybe Next Year

We're at Gold Star Chili, looking at the menu.

Hubs: I think I want a three-way.
Me: For your birthday?
Hubs's brother: I think that's birthday and Christmas.

The Burn

Hubs: Why don't you go get me a coke?
Me: I'm too tired to come up with a biting remark so I'm just going to say no.
Hubs: It still stings.