Mommy Dearest

I think smart kids are capable of both understanding and handling way more than we give them credit for, assuming that we use the right language and maybe leave out the worst details. Hubs disagrees. So I've just finished answering a rather gruesome question from our 7yo when. . .

Hubs: Have I told you lately what a good mother you are?
Me: No..?
Hubs: There's a reason for that.

Fake Plastic Cheese

Me: Ugh. My friends and I were talking about how our husbands all eat American cheese and how gross it is.
Hubs: So? Women eat weird things. Like parfaits. And salads. What's the difference?
Me: Um... Those things are good? And nutritious?
Hubs: So is American cheese. I mean, it's cheese. Except it's not actually cheese.
Me: Exactly.
Hubs: Do you know why men like American cheese? Do you know how we got hooked on it?
Me [sighing]: Your mothers.
Hubs: Yes! Our mothers! See? It was all a woman's fault.
Me: Hey. We'll all take another reason to complain about our mothers-in-law.

Snow Dicks

I. Love. My. Friends.

A few days later... 

And one more small note about Hobby Lobby from a friend unrelated to this conversation:

An Ode to Thanksgiving

My family has a long history of Thanksgiving fowl-ups (see what I did there?), from dead mice in the oven of a rental cabin, to a flooded basement when the turkey's defrosting bath overflowed, to possibly-toxic antique dinnerware that turned the deviled eggs silver. And there's more. Oh so much more.

On the Naughty List

Sometimes a friendly neighborhood game can unearth some secrets you didn't see coming.

There's No Escaping, Part Deux

Hubs recently went out of town for a week. I survived. So did my kids. Barely.


Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday
(The background here is that Kentucky beat LSU in football on the day that Hubs and I got married. I watched the game in my dress and veil from a restaurant bar.)

Thursday

For more travel headaches, click here: There's No Escaping

One Goes Out, They All Go Out

From my cousin:

Sofa Spawn

I shared the above exchange with a friend and discovered that I'm not the only person whose conception somehow involved a couch.

Gobble Gobble

Die Harder

A couple years ago I finally gave in and conceded that Die Hard can be considered a Christmas movie, so now it's in our annual rotation. On Black Friday we're decorating the house and have this conversation.

Hubs: Let's get this done so we can relax later.
Me: And watch a movie.
Hubs: We can finish The Shining.
Me: I was actually going to suggest Die Hard.
Hubs: You want to have sex, don't you?

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! (Best Friend)

Hubs and I are watching a Planet Earth special and the narrator is explaining the meteorological phenomenon of diamond dust.

Me: I want some diamond dust.
Hubs: Go to the strip club.

Jesus Wept

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Children of the Corn

We're about to take my daughters and my niece through a corn maze.

My dad: What happens if we lose one of them?
Me: We pay less for dinner.

Not His Place

Hubs and I are on a road trip and stop at a travel center. I didn't realize it was arranged in a circle and didn't pay attention to where we were wandering and was confused when the exit wasn't where I thought it should be. That's where Hubs comes in handy.

Me: I would've walked around that loop for an hour.
Hubs: Wow. You have amazing book smarts.
Me: If by "book smarts" you mean "ass"...
Hubs: Who am I to argue?
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We get back in the car and I spot a bag of McDonald's trash in my floorboard.

Me: Dammit! Why didn't I throw that away just now? Dumbass.
Hubs: Who am I to argue?

Leaves of Three, Leave Them Be

Some days I'm really glad I don't have sons.

Anti-Anti-Vaxx

There were vaccines going around our chat group recently.

Basic Bitch

I'm glad we were all on the same page here.

Time Flies When You're... Nevermind

My best friend recently reevaluated her life, quit her god-awful job, and is starting her own business. We were discussing her path.

Jen: So I'm still at work, writing this report, and it's Friday night and I'm pissed at being there -- well, I guess it was actually Friday evening, not Friday night-- and I'm sitting there hating my job -- okay, so it may have been, like, 5:02 -- but still...

Full Mental Jacket

Hubs: I reserve the right to bitch.
Me: I reserve the right to tell you to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Hubs: Well then, it's WAR NOW.

Burnin' Burnin' Love

I've just said something atrocious about our daughter.

Hubs: You're going to hell. But at least I know we'll be together for eternity. Wait... maybe that is our hell.

Put the Needle on the...

Our 6yo daughter had some issues with her earrings a couple months ago. Namely that I wasn't paying attention and allowed her lobe to grow over the earring back and I had to get my boss to surgically remove it.

My mom: When can she get her ears pierced again?
Me: Around her birthday. Im taking her to a tattoo place this time to do it right.
Hubs: You're taking my six-year-old to a tattoo parlor?
Me: No. She'll be seven.

Lock up Your Daughters

I love people who have a realistic view of their own children.

Sexual Currency

Hubs and I met on eHarmony (as our 4yo would say, "Don't judge me") in 2006. I had no idea that he had saved the entirety of our electronic communication -- until he printed it all out and gave it to me for our tenth wedding anniversary last week. I know this blog sometimes makes him sound like a horrible person but by golly, the man is amazing. Once I stopped crying, I texted my mom.

By the Balls

We had a little power blip in the neighborhood the other day.

Sex and Violins

More awesome texting with my mom.

Yertle

We're in the car when a Wilson Phillips song comes on. I immediately crank it up and start singing along.

Hubs: I can feel my penis shrinking. It's like a scared turtle right now.

Bullseye

I'm handing my paycheck to Target when the cashier notices that my mascara is about to be thrown in a bag of bulky winter boots and a cart full of other stuff I didn't intend to buy. My kids have been all over the place, the trip has already taken three times longer than anticipated, and my 6yo is starting to cry because her sister picked out the wrong kind of candy corn.

Cashier: Do you want to put the mascara in your purse?
Me: Oh. Um. I guess... Sure. [pause] And thank you for thinking I have standards.

Keen on Keeneland

Horse racing is more than a tradition in Kentucky; it's a religion. It's also very popular among college kids, who seem to be able to ruin anything. My friend Sam had a lot of complaints about her recent visit to the track.

Two Snaps Up

Hubs and I are watching one of those stupid monster-hunting shows. There are people claiming that they encountered a creature like Big Foot but with wings. 

Hubs: I'm willing to believe that there could be some type of Big Foot something living in the woods, but not one with wings. I mean, they're saying it's a sasquatch and a dragon? Seriously? Someone would've seen that before.

Me: Agreed. No way.

Hubs: What would you even call that?

Me: Dragonsquatch.

Hubs: That makes sense.

Me: Yeah, but one day you'd encounter one and of course it would be, like, the drag queen version and you'd say, "Hey, are you a dragonsquatch?" and she'd say, "No, bitch. I'm a sassdragon."

Stupid is as Stupid Does, Part Tres

Me: It's just stupid.
6yo: Mommy. You just said a word we're not allowed to say.
Me: What, stupid?
6yo: Yes.
Me: Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.
6yo [stunned]: She said it again.
Hubs: That's because Mommy's stupid.

We All Float Down Here

Hubs recently went out of town, but we're able to monitor our security system from anywhere.

There's No Escaping

Hubs hates traveling. I'm starting to think it might have something to do with me.

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Ooh, That Smell (Part Seven)

Who doesn't love a good-smelling man?

For more smells, click: part six, part five, part four, part tres, part deux, part one

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Boss: Want a free TV?
Me: Are you serious? I can't tell what face you're making because I took my glasses off. Are you smiling?
Boss: Of course I'm smiling. I always smile at you. It's like looking at a monkey. Everyone smiles when they see a monkey.

An Ounce of Prevention

I recently had a doctor's appointment.

Me: They put me on cholesterol medication. I'm old and fat.
Hubs: Why do you do this to yourself?
Me: Do what?
Hubs: You go to the doctor and they tell you everything that's wrong with you. That's why I don't go.

Heigh Ho

Breaking the Internet

Hubs: Mark Zuckerberg has been gearing up for a presidential run.
Me: What? Nobody's going to elect the Facebook guy. [pause] Oh wait. Trump.
Hubs: He's opened the door for anybody to run. Kim Kardashian could be president at this point.
Me: I'd vote for her ass, I guess.
Hubs: That would be the vice president.

Lost in Vegetation

I sent Hubs grocery shopping by himself.

Another Man's Treasure

Three-For

Just a couple random messages from my girls.

This person shall remain nameless.

I wish I could say I was responsible for this comment.