Daddy Issues

My boss recently planned a trip to the Bahamas with his wife -- sans children. So I sent him this:

Rest in Peace

My friend's son is a bit dramatic, but at least she's incredibly attuned to his needs.

Unfamiliar with the Territory

My lesbian friend and her lesbian wife have a daughter, but just added a son to the fold.

Right in the Chakras

I have a friend who is very no-nonsense and works in retail. If you're guessing that that's an interesting combination, you're right.

Not It

All she's asking for is food and snuggles.

Lost in Translation, Part Tres

My mom has discovered the joys of CBD oil.

For more communication gaps, click here or here.

Boozehound

Dirrty Martini

My friends and I love dirty vodka martinis.

Artemis Revisited

A friend of mine recently moved to Arizona.

 

Sphynx

Preface: Hubs is bald.

For more hairless jokes at his expense, click here or here or here or here or here or here

Sisqo Would Be Proud

If there's an internet rabbit hole, my mom will find it. She started by looking up post-mastectomy nipple tattoos and somehow landed here.

Small Packages

Sometimes Hubs makes decisions that don't make a lot of sense to me.

Then a few days later, this came up:

Light My Fire

My best friend may be a lesbian, but she recognizes beauty when she sees it.

I Concede

We all have that one friend whose snark and wit are incomparable and I always thought it was me until I met this one...

Sweet Dreams

Hubs and I are lying in bed at night, catching up on each other's days before going to sleep.

Me: 6yo told me that the last word she hears before falling asleep is what she'll dream about. Tonight it was marshmallows.
Hubs: Interesting. [pause] Boobies. Boobies boobies boobies.
Me: I see what you're doing. Are you going to start counting boobs to fall asleep at night?
Hubs: I should! [sighs] Two... Four... Six...

Run for the Border, Part Deux

We're driving in silence when Hubs starts laughing.

Me: What?
Hubs: That billboard says 'Red Hot Excitement' but I thought it said 'Red Hot Excrement'.
Me: Taco Bell ad?



For more inappropriate Mexican jokes, click here or here. 

Child Labor

My kids are scrawny.

Arms of the Angel

One of those god awful Sarah McLachlan dying animals commercials comes on TV. Then Eric McCormack (you know him -- Will from Will & Grace) pops up in the middle of it.

Me: What the hell? When did he get involved? What is it with Canadians?
Hubs: This is awkward. It looks like a community service punishment. They were like, "Yeeeaaah... he kicked a puppy. He needs to do a commercial."

Quiverfull, Part Four (so far)

Me: Hey! Just got a notification that my Amazon stuff arrived. I ordered a surprise for us! Don't get excited. But it is something useful.
Hubs: I didn't know they sold sister wives on Amazon.
Me: They sell everything on Amazon.
Hubs: Do we have to put her together?
Me: It said "some assembly required".


For more of our witty polygamy banter, click here or here or here.

Whenever, Wherever

Me: You know what's most impressive about Shakira? She had to write all her songs twice. They rhyme in English and Spanish.
Hubs: True. But what about her hips?
Me: They translate themselves.
Hubs: They're universal.


Yes, I'm still obsessed. For more Shakira, click here or here or here or here or here.

Silence is Golden

It's a lazy Sunday morning and after getting dressed Hubs crawls back into bed with me for a minute.

Hubs: How can you just be laying there doing nothing, and you just woke up, and you're still sexy?
Me: Probably because I'm not talking yet.
Hubs: That's a good start.

My Eyes Are Up Here!

We're at an amusement park when I spot the largest pair of breast implants I've ever seen outside of a documentary about mental disorders, aggressively testing the tensile strength of a tanktop that would've been snug on my six-year-old. I hiss at Hubs to check them out, and we start talking about the owner as soon as we're out of earshot.

Hubs: Wow.
Me: I know! They went from her collarbone to the bottom of her rib cage!
Hubs: WOW.
Me: Her lips were almost as big. She's had those done too.
Hubs: She had a face?
Me: Exactly.

Belly Bombs

Me: Why do you like Krystal so much more than White Castle?
Hubs: Because they just put mustard and pickles on their burgers. They're perfect.
Me: Well, my... [laughing]. I almost said my "beef" with White Castle. My problem with White Castle --
Hubs: Well, aren't you punny?
Me: Yeah, except does White Castle actually use beef?
Hubs: It's brown. Just eat it.
Me: Gross.
Hubs: Actually I guess it's gray. Yum...

Man Flu

Also note the autocorrect of "Pentecostal" to "people tecostal".

King of the North

Touched for the Very First Time

I Know Where You Sleep

Like a Fine Wine, Part Deux

I'm buying beer at a gas station and the attendant asks for my birthdate.

Me: This is the point where you're supposed to tell me how good I look for my age.
Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: Um... I never would've guessed!
Me: Atta boy.


For my parents' experiences in aging, click here.

Fertile Myrtle and Her Crazy Cousins

Sometimes patients write the best things on their paperwork.

Just Stick with Richard

It seems awkward is my default.

Hostess with the Mostest

Safety First

One of my favorite (and most fashionable) girls.

I'm glad she's finally considering some safety gear because she's made some questionable decisions in the past... 

I'll Be There for You

Me: Remember on Friends when Joey said the best way to look thoughtful was to act like you were smelling a fart and trying to figure out who did it?
Hubs: I didn't really watch that show, but I do remember that.
Me: It's when he was on that soap opera and was Doctor Drake. . . Romano? No -- Romero.

[another conversation ensues]

Hubs: Who farted? It's like Dr. Drake Ramoray again.
Me: Wait. Did you say Ramoray?
Hubs: Yes..?
Me: I said Romano. And then Romero. But you were right. It's Ramoray. How did you know that?
Hubs: I... I... I have no words. I'm so ashamed.


In case you missed it:
Smell the Fart Acting

When You're Here, You're Family

Hubs: Look at this idiot.
Me: How do you eat pasta belli -- oh... yeah, I could do that.
Hubs: I'm aware.