Hubs has a new boss named Edward, and there have been jokes about working on "Team Edward".
Me: Well, if I had to choose between vampire and werewolf, vampire's the way to go.
Hubs: So you're saying you don't want big hairy balls?
Me: I just figure if he can lick his own balls, he doesn't need me.
Hubs: So you're saying you want to lick balls? I'm pretty sure that's what I heard you say.
We're watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas".
Me: I love that Snoopy never makes a sound, but he laughs out loud.
Hubs: I know.
Me: And by "love", I mean it creeps me out.
Hubs: Good to know for future reference.
Me: I love you.
Hubs: You went there fast, didn't you?
I'm lamenting my cats' bathroom habits.
Me: What is the fascination with taking a dump in a freshly cleaned litter box?
Mom: I couldn't say; I've never tried it myself.
A song comes on.
Hubs: Hey, it's The Strokes.
Me (listening...): Isn't that The White Stripes?
Hubs: You are correct. See? That's why I married you; you keep me in line.
Me: Aww.
Hubs: I swear I used to be smart.
Me: I know. That's why I married you.
Me: I'm so glad I don't have a peanut allergy. I like too many things with peanuts in them. Like peanut butter. And Snickers. And... I can't think of anything else, but that seems like enough.
Hubs (scoffing): Snickers don't have peanut butter.
Me: PEA-NUT-SAAAA.
My parents have head colds. We met them for dinner, toddler in tow.
Hubs: I hope you guys didn't give her syphillis or anything.
Me: Jesus!
Hubs: Wait... That's an STD, isn't it?
We have a cat named Zeke. Hubs was aggravated with him.
Hubs: Zeke, you can lick my balls.
Me: Do you want him to do that?
Hubs: No. Sandpaper. That would feel weird.
Me: So it's weird because it would feel like sandpaper, not because a cat would be licking your balls?
The baby grabbed a handful of coins and shoved them in her mouth. The Hubs got them away from her and was trying to quiet her screams.
Hubs: You can play with them, sweetheart. Just don't put them in your mouth. [lengthy pause] That's something Daddy's never said to Mommy.
I'm going to physical therapy to help with some pregnancy-related back pain.
PT: So you want to avoid movements and stances that put most of your weight on one foot. Try to keep your weight balanced. An easy strategy is to keep your legs together.
Me: Well, I'm already pregnant, so...
I get home from running errands and Hubs tells me there's a cat turd on the floor.
Me: Did someone just kick one out of the litter box?
Hubs: Yeah, either that or it was a Doppleganger.
Me: Dingleberry?
Phone rings. We check the caller ID and don't answer.
Hubs: They called yesterday. It's a local political thing. They were representing the left-handed blind Mexican portion of the population.
Hubs: I'm buying a new bottle of mustard.
Me: Okay.
Hubs: The one we have now is the same one we had when we fed the movers. Their hands were all over it.
Me: They seemed like decent guys.
Hubs: Yes, but their hands were dirty from handling stuff.
Me: From handling our stuff.
Hubs: Yeah.
Me: With our dirt on it.
Hubs: Yeah.
Me: So you have the same dirt on your hands every day and you can touch the mustard?
Hubs: Yes. Also, I want to replace the couch.
If you haven't seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC, far be it from me to describe it to you. Google it. The 17-year-old daughter recently gave birth to her first child (presumably the first of many) and refuses to name the father.
Me: So Anna won't say who the father is, but the baby has an extra thumb on one hand. If they want to figure out who the father is, they should start by looking at her cousins.
Hubs: They should start by looking for the guy with three thumbs.
Weathercaster: There's a front coming through that will produce dry lightning. This means lightning and thunder with no rain.
Hubs: That's my nickname. Dry lightning.
Texting with my mom, who was complaining about the mosquitoes at the campground.
Mom: We can't even sit out up here.
Me: Good lord.
Mom: Not sure if it's mosquitoes or no-see-ums.
Me: Biting?
Mom: Yes. Your dad goes out and tests....comes in bitten...so I stay in :)
Me: I'd hate to see what happened if you ever suspected a gas leak.
Me: The new Indiana Jones is coming on next. You don't want to watch that, do you?
Hubs: It has that Shabonga Shebangabang kid in it.
Me: Shia LeBeouf?
Hubs: That's the one.
Me: If I turn into a zombie, you'll kill me, right?
Hubs: I guess... If that's what you want.
Me: Just try not to do it in front of the kids, but, you know. You gotta do what you gotta do.
As we're getting ready to go grocery shopping
Hubs: Let me go get my wallet.
Me: Yup. That's important.
Hubs: I'm surprised you don't already have it.
Me: I don't need to have it. I can sense it; where it is, how much is in it. It's like a vampire blood bond. It tells me when it hurts because it's getting empty.
Me: We need to vacuum these chairs. They're disgusting.
Hubs: We could just Dirt Devil them.
Me: Same difference. Whatever. So we'll Dirt Devil them.
Hubs: You can Dirt Devil deez nuts.
Me: Really? You want to try that?
Hubs: What settings does it have?
Me: Have you seen the brushes on that thing?
Hubs: It would be like a boxer going at a punching bag.
We were talking to friends about their fertility woes and the awkwardness of the husband giving a "sample" at the doctor's office.
Friend J: So, I have to ask. Are you allowed to use lube or anything?
Husband: Nope. Nothing. Not even water.
Friend J: What about spit?
Wife: No. Saliva kills sperm.
Me: Ohhh... So that's why you don't get pregnant from blow jobs!
Me: Does someone always die on this show? Like, every episode?
Hubs: Well, the name of the show is "Fatal Attractions," so...
Me: I figured out the name of that show with the crazy guy with the curly hair. It's "Workaholics."
Hubs: I was close.
Me: You said "Shenanigans."
Hubs: I knew it was a long name.
My mom and I always end up talking about inappropriate or disgusting things when we get together, which The Hubs is still adjusting to. Tonight it was nuts and nursing home residents.
Hubs: We can't get through a night without a conversation like this. What are you talking about over there? I heard "nuts" and something about old people?
Me: Demented people peeing in electrical outlets.
The hubs put up our new outdoor oil lamps, filled them, and put the wicks in.
Hubs: How long do those wicks have to be in there before they'll light?
Me: I don't know. How long does it take you to ignite once you dip your wick?
Hubs: Hmm. Not very long.
Watching TV with my dad
Me: Oh my god. They make cowboy boots with the Kentucky logo.
Dad: We'll buy some for the baby.
Me: Those are hideous.
Dad: Oh, come on. Where's your school spirit?
Me: On my sweatshirts.
Hubs [wandering around the house]: Where's my beer?
Me: I don't know.
Hubs: Oh, wait. I drank it.
Me: Have another!
Hubs: Do you know why I don't eat pinto beans anymore? Because you took my soul, my free time, my likes and dislikes, and my eating habits away from me.
