Millions of Peaches. Peaches for Me.

I'm living vicariously through a friend who just moved to NYC. Her stories are delicious.

Futbol

We're watching the UEFA Euro 2016 (soccer) tournament. 

Hubs: They put trackers on their jerseys now. That dude who just came off the field has run ten kilometers so far. [his expression is incredulous]
Me: What is that? Like, six miles?
Hubs: I don't know. Just ten kilometers.
Me: If you wanna impress me, talk American.
Hubs: You're the reason Trump is going to get elected.

[For the record, 10 km is 6.214 mi. Bam, bitches.]

It Puts the Lotion on the Towel

Hubs has just gotten out of the shower in the morning and is putting lotion on his face when I stop to kiss him goodbye.

Me: Ew! There's lotion on your lips.
Hubs: Oh, sorry. Here. [hands me his bath towel and I wipe my mouth off]
Me: Wait. Was that the face end or the butt end?
Hubs: It's all butt end.
Me: Did you just call yourself a buttface?
Hubs: [considers] I suppose I did.

Spreading the Love

I hate it when I hiccup and burp at the same time. At our house we refer to that as a "hurp".

Me: [hurping noisily] I have the hurps.
Hubs: You have herpes?
Me: Yes, herpes.
Hubs: You know, that's the kind of thing you should share with your partner.
Me: I already have...

Kevorkian

My mom was recently having some medical stuff done and was attached to an IV pole that ran on electricity with a battery backup. 

My mom: I'm going to get up for a minute. Can you unplug that? 

Me: Sure. [unplugging the cord] Oh my god. I just pulled the plug on my mom. 

My dad: It's good practice for later.

Nice Save

Me: Why don't you shut up?
Hubs: Well, why don't you. . . keep telling me what to do because I love it.

Reputation Management

We're at my parents' celebrating Memorial Day and Hubs and my dad have left to make a run to Liquor Barn. In the meantime, I've broken into the appetizers. 

My mom: Did you leave the cheeseball out for the guys?
Me: Yeah. Well, it wasn't so much "leaving it out for them" as it was "not bothering to put it away". But thanks for spinning it.

Sleepy Grumpy Happy Dopey Sneezy Bashful and Doc

I just got home from work and picking up our daughters from school. They both start singing the "Heigh-Ho" song from Snow White. 

Hubs: [turning to me] Speaking of "Hi, Ho", how was your day?

Gastronomy

My mom: Do you all ever age your beef?
Hubs: What?
My mom: You know, people buy steaks and leave them in the fridge for, like, a week or something.
Me: Oh. Not intentionally, but yes.
Hubs: So that's a thing?
My mom: Yeah.
Me: So we've been doing something artisan this whole time? Man. We age all kinds of things. 

My dad: Turkey, cheese, vegetables. . . 

Me: I found green bacon last week.