Celebrity Doppleganger

We're discussing how our waitress looked like someone famous. 

Me: I don't look like anybody. I just look like me.  But I have had, like, four people tell me, "Oh, you look just like this girl I know. . . but she's a bitch."  Seriously. This has happened repeatedly. Apparently I look like a bitch.
Hubs: I just haven't said it out loud.

Even LaToya Jackson Could've Gotten This Right

I'm giving Hubs shit about something(s).  He stands and glares at me.

Me: I know. It would feel good, wouldn't it?
Hubs: Um. . . What would feel good?
Me: Smacking me across the face.
Hubs: Get out of my head!

The Difference Between Eating in and Eating out Is the Amount of Cat Hair in My Food

We're at a restaurant.

My mom: Ooh. They only got an 89 on their health inspection.
Me: Meh. It's still cleaner than my kitchen.

Behind the Times, Part Deux

We're watching a recorded episode of a show from December that we knew wouldn't turn out well because of freakish unseasonable severe weather that particular night.  After the fourth meteorological interruption Hubs pauses the TV, which happens to show a very colorful radar shot.

Hubs: Jesus, it's just snow. Calm down. It's not like it was a tornado.
Me, pointing at the TV and reading the screen: Torrr-naaay-doooh.

V Day

Hubs: So, people are trying to set up an online game night on Sunday nights at nine. But I don't think I can do it because of the girls.
Me: Why not? As long as you can help me get one of them to bed before then, I can handle the other.
Hubs: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. If this is something you want to do, don't let us stop you.
Hubs: Maybe I'll tell them I'm in.
Me: Good. And I'd like to take this opportunity to point out once again that you have a cool wife.
Hubs: Yes, I do. Hmm. . . I probably should have bought her something for Valentine's Day.
Me: YEAH, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE, MOTHERF***ER!

Behind the Times, Part One

We tend to let things stack up on our DVR and then binge watch our favorite shows.  Last night we were watching the Christmas episode of Raising Hope, and Hubs noticed a commercial.

Hubs: I thought that promotion was over.
Me: Deee-cemmm-berrr.

In Absentia, Part One

Hubs recently took a business trip.  His texts are yellow, mine are blue.

RuPaul Quotes for One Hundred, Alex

Hubs is bitching about the industrial grade cardboard box he just dismantled to fit in our recycling can.

Hubs: It was big and thick anyway, so it was hard enough to fold it up and get it tucked in there.
Me: That's what shim said.

Elementary, My Dear

Hubs has been out of town, so I've been driving his car.  We get in it today and he notices that his GPS stand has slid forward and is sitting against the windshield.

Hubs: Hit the breaks hard, huh?
Me: Yeah. . . Some dumbass a few cars up stopped short.
Hubs: You know you can't hide anything from me. I'll find the evidence.
Me: Actually, you have no idea. I intentionally leave just enough traces of little stuff to make you feel like you've got me pegged. I'm throwing you off the scent of the big stuff.

Comatose

EB (our toddler) is obsessed with Disney princesses.

EB: Here, Daddy. Here's Snow White and Sleeping Beauty just for you!
Hubs: Snow White and Sleeping Beauty?  That sounds like a dream I had.
Me: That sort of sounds like a date rapey dream.