Yo Mama. . .

Everyone in our family (including our four parents) has been battling illnesses, from vomit to fevers to head colds to kidney stones.

Hubs: I gained back the weight I lost when I was sick last week. Do you know anyone with a stomach bug that I can make out with?
Me: Your mom.
Hubs: Gaaaaaaahhhhh!

He's My Cherry Pie

My mom makes cherry pie for Christmas every year. We're sneaking a bite before dinner when she loads the fork with half a slice of pie and aims for my face. 

Me: Good lord, give me half of that.
Mom: Really?
Me: Yes. I could never fit all of that in my mouth. [Pause] I've never said that to Hubs.

I Take What I Can Get

Hubs: Why are you being stupid again?
Me: Aww. That's sweet. The "again" implies that I stopped for a while, so I'm taking that as a compliment.

Who Googles That?

I was attempting to look up "nugget shaped pearls", but Google had different plans.

Mistaken Identity

I usually send Hubs a quick text when I leave work to tell him I'm on my way. The afternoon before Thanksgiving (which we were hosting) I accidentally sent the text to my mom instead.

Sphincter Ventriloquy

I bump something with my hand and it makes a weird noise.

Preschooler: Mommy, what was that?
Hubs: She farted.
Me: I did not. I hit this. [Replicating sound]
Hubs: Hmm. So you can throw your farts now. Good job.

He's So Pretty

I'm writing grocery items on the dry erase board when Hubs irks me, so I swipe the marker across his cheek.

Hubs: Not my face! That's my moneymaker!