Can't Always Get What You Want

We're shopping and our preschooler EB is throwing a fit about a stuffed animal she wants.

EB: But I like the big ones!
Me: Mommy does too, honey, but she married Daddy anyway.

Manly Man

Hubs: Want to know why I'm so hairy?
Me: Why?
Hubs: Because I drink bourbon. It puts hair on your chest.
Me: How do you explain your back?
Hubs: I've had some cheap bourbon.

You Created This Monster

Hubs: You like my new pants?
Me: Yes.
Hubs (wiggling his eyebrows): Do you like what's in them?
Me: [sigh]
Hubs: I'm sorry. I can't help myself.
Me: I know. That's why I have a blog.

Literally Speaking. . .

Preface: There have been reports of a peeping Tom in our neighborhood.

I'm literally stepping into the shower when I remember there's something in the oven. I grab a robe before I go running downstairs.

Hubs: Meh. Just go naked. Throw the peeper a bone.

Not-So-Accidental Racism

In college my roommate had a Vietnamese friend (nicknamed Bill) who was very obliging about our farcical racism.

Bill: When I was a kid, I used to eat crayons.
Roommate: What was your favorite color? Which one tasted best?
Bill: Um, I don't know. Fire engine red?
Roommate: Ah. Tasted like Dalmatians, huh?

Catastrophic Allergies

Hubs has insisted for six years that he's allergic to cats. I don't believe him. To settle the score we're having him tested and he's been off his allergy meds for a week.

Hubs: So I'm miserable because I had to stop taking the medicine I take because I'm allergic to cats so that she can do a test that shows I'm allergic to cats and then they can give me a new medication because I'm allergic to cats.
Me: I don’t see what the problem is.
My dad (to me): You're not the one who's been suffering.
Me: Really? You think I haven't been suffering?

Keeping Her off the Pole

We're eating dinner and our preschooler decides it will be funny to raise her shirt and flash us between each bite she eats. 

Hubs: It's my goal in life to make sure you never have to do that for food.

There's Something about Hubs

Preface: Hubs is bald.

Hubs returns from the bathroom and notices weird wet spots on his shirt.

Hubs: That's soap. I swear.
Me: Mmm-hmm. Because if you ever try to pass it off as hair gel, you're totally busted.

And Jackass Was His Name-O

Our preschooler EB has a name that's five letters long so we frequently substitute it when singing Bingo. My mom finishes a round of her standard "There was a grandma had a girl. . ." when EB asks for a different version.

My mom: There was a daddy had a wife and. . ?
Hubs: B-I-M-B-O!