Humid Much?

My dad and I are at an amusement park together and I text Hubs.  I'm blue, he's yellow.

Cold Water Challenge

My best friend and her partner are coming to visit from Portland. They've requested a day out on the lake while they're here.

My mom: I don’t know if we'll be able to swim. The water may be cold.
Me: Especially after the mild summer we've had.
My mom: Well, they're probably accustomed to cooler water than we are.
Hubs (who has only been half listening): What? Lesbians can tolerate cold water better?
Mom: Yes. They're biologically adapted to survive in cold water.
Me: They live in Ooorrrrreeggooonnn.

Happy to See Me

Hubs and I are discussing stealing a lobster tail from the unmanned seafood kiosk at Costco.

Me: I'm gonna grab one and stuff it down my pants. No, wait -- you should stuff it down the front of your pants and if anyone looks at you funny, I'll just say I'm a very, very lucky woman.

Copping a Feel

This was my Facebook status the other day:

Hubs saw it and texted me:

Okay, Maybe I Am a Bit Obsessed

Me: If I had it to do over again, I might just do a destination wedding.
Hubs: Planning for your second wedding?  To whom?
Me: To. . . Dammit. I was trying to think of a convincing celebrity, but I don't have a crush on anyone.
Hubs: Shakira.
Me: Ooh. I would totally have a destination wedding with Shakira.

For more Shakira, click here.

Typical Male Overestimation

I'm at an outdoor event with friends and the beer tents are handing out free coozies. I'm done drinking and am about to trash mine.

Andrew: Don't throw that away!
Me: Why not? I don't want it.
Andrew: I need a bunch of them for this weekend.
Me: A bunch?
Andrew: Well, maybe not a bunch. [Pause] Two would be nice.

Choosy Cheaters Choose. . .

I walk into Hubs's office and spot a 6-inch-long gray hair on his recliner.

Me: This better be mine. Because if you're cheating on me with another graying chick, we need to work on setting your standards higher.
Hubs: Nah. It's just a pube.

Porker

Hubs is supposed to be firing up the smoker midday for dinner.  I know he'll forget if I don't send a text.

We Put the Ass in Massage

Hubs and I have been in the car for four hours.

Me: Apparently I'm not cut out for this anymore. My ass hurts.
Hubs: Don't worry. I'll take care of it. [Pause] I don't know what that means.
Me: Me either. But my massage therapist used to massage my butt. It felt sooo good.
Hubs: I want someone to massage my ass. You should take classes.
Me: In what? Ass massage?
Hubs: Just massage in general. You could do my back too.
Me: Gee. Thanks.
Hubs: Shoulders.
[Lengthy pause]
Hubs: Nutssss.
Me: You want a Swedish massage on your nuts? [Making karate chopping motions on my lap]
Hubs [wincing]: No. But they'd probably just scoot out of the way. When we get to the hotel we should put two cherries on the table and you can practice.