It's Not What It Looks Like

I'm clumsy and recently gave myself a small shiner instead of the usual knee and arm bruises. I don't wear makeup but desperately needed to cover up the bruise so Hubs and I made a trip to CVS.

Me: Oh my god. This song. 

Hubs: What about it? 

Me: I haven't heard it in years. It's on the playlist I made for 14yo when I was pregnant. 

Hubs: Aww. 

Me: Oh no. I'm going to cry. Oh shit. Should I go outside? 

Hubs: Why?

Me: Because I'm standing here with a man looming over me, holding concealer in my hand, crying, with a black eye.

Hubs: Riiiiiight. 

Hangry, Hangry Hubbo

We're at a restaurant. Hubs has been trying to lose weight and has eaten exactly half of his meal.

Hubs: I guess I should stop here.

Me: It's the perfect spot. I support this decision.

Hubs: Why don't you MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?! 

Like a Virgin

14yo has asked to visit a pop-up local art show at a comic book store where all the "artists" were under the drinking age. It is 80% homemade trinkets illegally featuring trademarked Anime/Manga characters (which delighted my daughter). The room is packed. I text Hubs. 

They're All the Dame to Me

Hubs and I have spotted a new movie on Netflix.

Hubs: Hey! It's got that one old lady. 

Me: "That one old lady"? 

Him: Yeah. 

Me: Do you mean Dame Helen Mirren? 

Him: Sure. Oh - and the show with the other one is on our list. We need to watch it. The new Slow Horses.

Me: By "the other one," do you mean Dame Emma Thompson? 

Him: Yeah. 

Me: So this movie has *this* Helen Mirren, but the other show has the *other* Helen Mirren, who is Emma Thompson.

Hubs: Yeah. 

Wild Times with Wildlife

The friend telling the tale is married to a firefighter. At the time of this story, said husband was less than two months out from major surgery (the details of which I will not spoil here).

Like Eleanor Shellstrop, I'm a Legit Snack

We're sitting in a restaurant and I'm sweating, which is weird because I'm usually cold.

Me: We might have to move outside. 

Hubs: Seriously, though. Why are you so hot? 

Me: It's one of the great mysteries of the universe. 

Hold It!

We're road tripping through a remote section of Washington state and I absentmindedly chug half a bottle of Coke. 

Me: Oh no. 

Hubs: How much did you drink? 

Me: Too much. 

Hubs: [sighs] 

Me: Yeah. That's going to come back to bite me in the urethra.