Guilt-Ridden

I've been out of it all evening. 

Me: I feel dopey.
Hubs: Why?
Me: I don’t know. I just do.
Hubs: Why would you feel guilty?
Me: What? I said I feel dopey.
Hubs: Oh. That makes more sense.
Me: But I am guilty.
Hubs: Of what?
Me: OF BEING AWESOME.

All the (Not Actually) Single Ladies

EB, our preschooler, wants to hold my engagement ring. 

Me: Sorry, sweetie. I don't take these off.
Hubs: Mommy only takes them off when Daddy's out of town.
EB: She takes them off when you're sleeping.
Me: Uh. . .

Cohones

Hubs can't figure out how to set the timer on the toaster oven so I do it for him. 

Hubs: You think you're so smart.
Me: Um, I read the directions.
Hubs: I haven't read directions in. . . twenty years.
Me: I figured you were going to say since your balls dropped.

Working Girl

I'm out with friends when they start telling a story about a guy named John.

Me: Is this John John or the other John?
Friends: It's a third John. You probably haven't met him.
Me: Good lord. I have too many Johns to keep up with.  [Pause]  I should never say that again.

There's an App for That, Too?

Hubs and I are talking technology and his phone keeps dinging with chat messages.

Hubs: If we need to stream something from a website, I could always just attach my laptop to the TV via HDMI.
Phone: Ding!
Me: Or use the ChromeCast.
Hubs: [Hugs me in shocked silence and awe that I came up with a better solution than he did.]
Phone: Ding!
Hubs: That wasn't my phone.

Ba-Dum-Bum!

Me: Did you know that the aquarium was invented by a woman?
Hubs: That explains why they require so much maintenance.