Weather

Weathercaster:  There's a front coming through that will produce dry lightning.  This means lightning and thunder with no rain.
Hubs:  That's my nickname.  Dry lightning.

Snort

I have a head cold.

Hubs:  What did you just snort?
Me:  Cocaine.
Hubs:  Is there a crushed up pill in there?
Me:  What?
Hubs:  What did you just snort?
Me:  Afrin, you dumb ass.  I can't breathe.

Skeeters

Texting with my mom, who was complaining about the mosquitoes at the campground.

Mom:  We can't even sit out up here.
Me:  Good lord. 
Mom:  Not sure if it's mosquitoes or no-see-ums.
Me:  Biting?
Mom:  Yes. Your dad goes out and tests....comes in bitten...so I stay in :)
Me:  I'd hate to see what happened if you ever suspected a gas leak.

Sleep > Hygiene

Me:  I'm too tired to wash my face.
Hubs:  I'm too tired to look at it.

Indiana Jones

Me:  The new Indiana Jones is coming on next. You don't want to watch that, do you?
Hubs:  It has that Shabonga Shebangabang kid in it.
Me:  Shia LeBeouf?
Hubs:  That's the one.

Scooters

Me:  I just saw a logo for some new city campaign.  It's the outline of a guy on a scooter and it says, "Scoot Around Lexington."  I wonder who started that movement.
Hubs:  The movement will shrink with each death.

Vaseline

Hubs, watching me put Vaseline on my face:  How long have you had that stuff?  Isn't it expired?
Me:  It's ass fat from a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  Pretty sure it'll keep a little longer.