Life Insurance

Hubs:  I got a notice today that my life insurance policy went up to (amount).
Me:  Ooh!  I didn't know it was that high.
Hubs:  Um, yeah... Did I say (amount)?  I meant six hundred dollars.
Me:  Well, it's six hundred bucks I don't have now.
Hubs:  Remind me to google "how to check brake lines".
Me:  Just look up my search history.  You can follow the directions in reverse, right?

Interior Design

We're at Ikea and I'm trying to choose a lamp shade.

Me:  That whole room is grey and black, so it might be safest to go with the black and white shade.  Or that grey one over there.  On the other hand, the flowered one would bring a big splash of color, which might be nice.  What do you think?
Hubs:  I don't know.  I left my vagina at home.

Lotion

It's winter and our house is dry.  I convinced Hubs several years ago to do deep moisturizing treatments on his hands to keep them from cracking.  Last night was our first treatment of the season.

Via text today:
Me:  Don't forget to keep up with the lotion today.  Don't let your hands dry out.
Hubs:  It puts the lotion in the basket.
Me:  Divorce.

Meatloaf

Me:  I just took a little less than three pounds of ground beef and turned it into a little more than six pounds of meatloaf.
Hubs:  Good job.
Me:  There are 1950s housewives who didn't do that well.
Hubs: Jesus didn't do that well.

Team Edward

Hubs has a new boss named Edward, and there have been jokes about working on "Team Edward".

Me:  Well, if I had to choose between vampire and werewolf, vampire's the way to go.
Hubs:  So you're saying you don't want big hairy balls?
Me:  I just figure if he can lick his own balls, he doesn't need me.
Hubs:  So you're saying you want to lick balls?  I'm pretty sure that's what I heard you say.

Peanuts (the other kind)

We're watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas".

Me:  I love that Snoopy never makes a sound, but he laughs out loud.
Hubs:  I know.
Me:  And by "love", I mean it creeps me out.
Hubs:  Good to know for future reference.
Me:  I love you.
Hubs:  You went there fast, didn't you?

Litter Boxes

I'm lamenting my cats' bathroom habits.

Me:  What is the fascination with taking a dump in a freshly cleaned litter box?
Mom:  I couldn't say; I've never tried it myself.