Tune in, Tokyo

Hubs bought a new coat just before we left on vacation and thus spent all week assessing it. He was most impressed by the three sets of pockets.

Hubs: Look, there are pockets way up high. If I use these, my elbow sticks out like this and it's the right height for you to hold onto. 
Me: I thought they put them up high so you could tweak your own nipples. 
Hubs: That too. Why do you think I've been smiling all week?

This Holiday Brought to You by Wine

We sit down for Thanksgiving dessert and someone finally notices that my daughters have nothing to drink. I, on the other hand, have had a glass of wine in hand since I woke up.

Hubs: There are juice boxes right behind you.
Me: Yup. I noticed that.
Hubs: You should stop drinking alcohol and get your babies something to drink.
3yo: Yeah, Mommy! Take care of us!

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night

We're shopping at Costco and our daughters are getting restless. They decide to take their boredom out on Hubs.

Hubs: I'm standing here with a case of beer and a girl trying to pull my clothes off.
Me: Isn't that just a Saturday night?

Yippie Ki Yay

Hubs reaches under the covers, pulls out one of my socks, and throws it at me.

Me: Yeah. There are probably more down there.
Hubs: Why do you have socks in the bed?
Me: Well, I'm usually cold when I come to bed but then I get hot in the middle of the night and I take them off.
Hubs: So you take them off with your toes?
Me: Yeah. And then sometimes I'll kind of scrunch up my toes and grab the socks and hold onto them while I fall asleep.
Hubs: [pushing me away from him] You are so weird.
Me: It's comforting.
Hubs: You know who else scrunches their toes to calm down?
Me: Um. . . no?
Hubs: John McClane from Die Hard. You would know that if you let me watch it.
Me: Did you just compare me to Bruce Willis?
Hubs: I guess I did.
Me: So that's, like, a huge compliment.
Hubs: I guess it is.

Warm It Up

Hubs walks up behind me and rubs against my butt. 

Hubs: Are you turned on?
Me: Oh, yes.
Hubs: [walks away]
Me: So you turn me on and just leave? Are you letting me preheat?

Just the Temp

Hubs is checking his weather app.

Hubs: Guess what the temperature is going to be on Thursday.
Me: 69.
Hubs: How did you know that?
Me: Because that's the only reason you'd ask me.
Hubs: Yeah, but I could've been surprised that it was going to be, like, 80. Or drop to 40.
Me: And you would've said, "Hey, it's going to be 80 on Thursday." The fact that you asked me gave it away.
Hubs: Damn. I gotta work on my tells.

Free At Last

The following was posted on a Facebook page I follow and I had to show it to Hubs:

Me: Obituaries are going to become a thing of the past. I mean , I wouldn't put a notice in paper if you died.
Hubs: Well, it wouldn't be an obituary. It would be more like, "Party at Hayley's House!"