Saturday, August 31, 2013

Slave to the Traffic Light

Me: Geez, this red light is really long.
Hubs: The last one was long, too.
Me: Well, I didn't notice the last one because I was talking.
Hubs: You don't notice a lot of things when you're talking. How do you think we ended up with two kids?

Love Me, Love My ESPN

Hubs: Why do you hate me?
Me: I don't hate you.
Hubs: If you hate my sports, you hate me.
Me: Oh. Then I hate you.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Green Tease

Hubs: Can I have one of those?
Me: I thought you didn't like this kind. They're green tea flavored.
Hubs: I don't know what they taste like.
Me: Well, they taste like green tea.
Hubs: Yeah, but what does that taste like?
Me: Like green tea. That you drink. Every day. Because you have a fridge full of it.
Hubs: Oh yeah. I like that stuff.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Anti Anti Social

Hubs is playing World of Warcraft.

Me: So are you playing against other people?
Hubs: No. The game is designed so you can join up and play with other people, but I don't do that.
Me: Why not?
Hubs: Because I don't like people.
Me: So you're antisocial even in virtual social situations? Is there a name for that?

Upgrades to Our GPS

We exit the interstate for a pit stop.
GPS: Recalculating.  Take ramp straight ahead. Recalculating. In point two miles turn left. Recalculating. Please drive to highlighted route.
Hubs: Shut up!
Me: There should be a "Hang on, I have to piss" button.
Hubs: Or options.  Pee is five minutes. Take a dump, fifteen minutes.  Lunch, an hour. Road head...
Me: You don't pull over for road head. That's the point of road head.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Suck It Up

Hubs starts vacuuming and EB (age 2.5) flips out at the noise.

My mom: When did this start?
Me: Well, we only vacuum once every three months, so... sometime between then and now.

Assume the Position

Hubs: We just got charged for our next shipment of baby stuff from Amazon.  Man, 120 dollars a month on formula, another hundred on diapers... It's stupid.
My mom: Oh! I thought of you today... what was it..?
Hubs: Did you see someone grabbing his ankles?

Monday, August 19, 2013

It Doesn't Hurt Anymore

Me: You'll have to take my car.
Hubs: Why?
Me: Because it's in the middle of the driveway blocking you in.
Hubs: Why?
Me: Because I took the carseats out yesterday and they're in the garage; there wasn't room for me to pull in.
Hubs: Why didn't you put them back in last night?
Me: Because I got home at 1:30 in the morning.
Hubs: So? You could've done it.
Me: You realize your next question is going to be, "Why is my nose bleeding?" or maybe, "Why do my nuts hurt?"
Hubs: They're numb by now.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

McAloo Burger

Me: I find it odd that McDonald's is apparently thriving in India.
Hubs: Why?
Me: It's a company founded on beef.
Hubs: I'm sure they have a regional menu.
Me: It says here that there's a McAloo potato burger.
Hubs: They're all crazy,  bathing in that river where they burn dead bodies.
Me: And bathe their animals.
Hubs: At one point, Indians were the only people in the world who were fatter than Americans.
Me: Weird. You'd think all the Ganges dysentery would keep them skinny.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


EB is finished eating and is playing with her food.

Me:  Sweetie, don't poke the pancake, please.
Hubs:  I've heard that before.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

High Hopes

We have two daughters; one's a toddler and the little one is just a few months old.  We're making dinner.

Hubs:  Can you believe that one day we're going to have to make four of everything?  That's going to get expensive.
Me:  I know. It's crazy.
Hubs:  I'm sure one of them will have an eating disorder,  though, so that will help.