Slave to the Traffic Light

Me: Geez, this red light is really long.
Hubs: The last one was long, too.
Me: Well, I didn't notice the last one because I was talking.
Hubs: You don't notice a lot of things when you're talking. How do you think we ended up with two kids?

Love Me, Love My ESPN

Hubs: Why do you hate me?
Me: I don't hate you.
Hubs: If you hate my sports, you hate me.
Me: Oh. Then I hate you.

Green Tease

Hubs: Can I have one of those?
Me: I thought you didn't like this kind. They're green tea flavored.
Hubs: I don't know what they taste like.
Me: Well, they taste like green tea.
Hubs: Yeah, but what does that taste like?
Me: Like green tea. That you drink. Every day. Because you have a fridge full of it.
Hubs: Oh yeah. I like that stuff.

Anti Anti Social

Hubs is playing World of Warcraft.

Me: So are you playing against other people?
Hubs: No. The game is designed so you can join up and play with other people, but I don't do that.
Me: Why not?
Hubs: Because I don't like people.
Me: So you're antisocial even in virtual social situations? Is there a name for that?

Upgrades to Our GPS

We exit the interstate for a pit stop.

GPS: Recalculating.  Take ramp straight ahead. Recalculating. In point two miles turn left. Recalculating. Please drive to highlighted route.
Hubs: Shut up!
Me: There should be a "Hang on, I have to piss" button.
Hubs: Or options.  Pee is five minutes. Take a dump, fifteen minutes.  Lunch, an hour. Road head...
Me: You don't pull over for road head. That's the point of road head.

Suck It Up

Hubs starts vacuuming and EB (age 2.5) flips out at the noise.

My mom: When did this start?
Me: Well, we only vacuum once every three months, so... sometime between then and now.

Assume the Position

Hubs: We just got charged for our next shipment of baby stuff from Amazon.  Man, 120 dollars a month on formula, another hundred on diapers... It's stupid.
My mom: Oh! I thought of you today... what was it..?
Hubs: Did you see someone grabbing his ankles?

It Doesn't Hurt Anymore

Me: You'll have to take my car.
Hubs: Why?
Me: Because it's in the middle of the driveway blocking you in.
Hubs: Why?
Me: Because I took the carseats out yesterday and they're in the garage; there wasn't room for me to pull in.
Hubs: Why didn't you put them back in last night?
Me: Because I got home at 1:30 in the morning.
Hubs: So? You could've done it.
Me: You realize your next question is going to be, "Why is my nose bleeding?" or maybe, "Why do my nuts hurt?"
Hubs: They're numb by now.

McAloo Burger

Me: I find it odd that McDonald's is apparently thriving in India.
Hubs: Why?
Me: It's a company founded on beef.
Hubs: I'm sure they have a regional menu.
Me: It says here that there's a McAloo potato burger.
Hubs: They're all crazy,  bathing in that river where they burn dead bodies.
Me: And bathe their animals.
Hubs: At one point, Indians were the only people in the world who were fatter than Americans.
Me: Weird. You'd think all the Ganges dysentery would keep them skinny.

Poke

EB is finished eating and is playing with her food.

Me:  Sweetie, don't poke the pancake, please.
Hubs:  I've heard that before.

High Hopes

We have two daughters; one's a toddler and the little one is just a few months old.  We're making dinner.

Hubs:  Can you believe that one day we're going to have to make four of everything?  That's going to get expensive.
Me:  I know. It's crazy.
Hubs:  I'm sure one of them will have an eating disorder,  though, so that will help.