|Pretty much my favorite photo ever. Cube's high school yearbook shot.|
Monday, December 26, 2016
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Friday, December 16, 2016
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Our master bed is ridiculously difficult to make and we typically make it a two-person job. I decide to tackle it myself one night and Hubs walks in on me.
Hubs: We have grapes, right?
Hubs: When you're done with that, you should come downstairs and feed me some. [walks out]
Friday, December 9, 2016
Monday, December 5, 2016
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Me: You probably already are. You just don't know it yet.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Hubs bought a new coat just before we left on vacation and thus spent all week assessing it. He was most impressed by the three sets of pockets.
Hubs: Look, there are pockets way up high. If I use these, my elbow sticks out like this and it's the right height for you to hold onto.
Me: I thought they put them up high so you could tweak your own nipples.
Hubs: That too. Why do you think I've been smiling all week?
Friday, November 25, 2016
We sit down for Thanksgiving dessert and someone finally notices that my daughters have nothing to drink. I, on the other hand, have had a glass of wine in hand since I woke up.
Hubs: There are juice boxes right behind you.
Me: Yup. I noticed that.
Hubs: You should stop drinking alcohol and get your babies something to drink.
3yo: Yeah, Mommy! Take care of us!
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Friday, November 18, 2016
Me: Yeah. There are probably more down there.
Hubs: Why do you have socks in the bed?
Me: Well, I'm usually cold when I come to bed but then I get hot in the middle of the night and I take them off.
Hubs: So you take them off with your toes?
Me: Yeah. And then sometimes I'll kind of scrunch up my toes and grab the socks and hold onto them while I fall asleep.
Hubs: [pushing me away from him] You are so weird.
Me: It's comforting.
Hubs: You know who else scrunches their toes to calm down?
Me: Um. . . no?
Hubs: John McClane from Die Hard. You would know that if you let me watch it.
Me: Did you just compare me to Bruce Willis?
Hubs: I guess I did.
Me: So that's, like, a huge compliment.
Hubs: I guess it is.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Monday, November 14, 2016
Hubs is checking his weather app.
Hubs: Guess what the temperature is going to be on Thursday.
Hubs: How did you know that?
Me: Because that's the only reason you'd ask me.
Hubs: Yeah, but I could've been surprised that it was going to be, like, 80. Or drop to 40.
Me: And you would've said, "Hey, it's going to be 80 on Thursday." The fact that you asked me gave it away.
Hubs: Damn. I gotta work on my tells.
Friday, November 11, 2016
Me: Obituaries are going to become a thing of the past. I mean , I wouldn't put a notice in paper if you died.
Hubs: Well, it wouldn't be an obituary. It would be more like, "Party at Hayley's House!"
Friday, November 4, 2016
We thought. We were going. To die.
|Photo credit to Hubs|
We finally reached the ground again, dizzy and trying to catch our breath, and looked back up at the tower. I was still in awe of the history and architecture around us and was feeling pretty blissful about the experience. Until...
Hubs: Where did we climb to?
Me: Those big openings at the top.
Hubs: Well, that was dumb.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Hubs: Who is this?
Me: Are you messing with me?
Hubs: No; this is a good song.
Me: Seriously. You're not messing with me?
Hubs: No; I really don't know who this is, but I like this song.
Me: Ohmigod me too! It's One Direction and I loved it the first time I heard it but I didn't know it was them and now I feel like I can't listen to it just on principle!
Hubs: Ha! I got you to admit that you like One Direction!
Me: You shit! You knew who this was?
Hubs: I got you!
Me: But how do you know who it is? The only way you'd know that is because I told you, and you never listen to me.
Hubs: I always listen to you. I just choose what information to retain.
Me: I hate you so much right now.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
We've just arrived at the airport in Prague and have been awake for almost 24 hours. I've started saying stupid shit and Hubs is rolling his eyes.
Me: Leave me alone. I'm tired. [Pause] Except I'm always like this.
Hubs: Like what?
Me: Embarrassing. Tired and embarrassing.
Hubs: You know, if I had to choose two words to describe you, those would be the ones.
Me: Well, if I had to choose two words to describe you, they would be ass and hole.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Hubs: It's fitting. I should sit at the head because I'm the man in the family. I'm the master of this house. [looks me up and down] Where's your jean skirt?
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Hubs: And the PlayStation VR arrives that day.
Me: Gah. And I won't see you for weeks. [pause] Ooh! Happy anniversary to me!
Hubs: See? It all works out.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Monday, September 19, 2016
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Me: This is what you're teaching her? If she takes her clothes off she gets candy?
Hubs: Hey, it worked on you.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
For more neighborhood shenanigans, click here or here.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Sunday, September 4, 2016
I'm an only child and am legitimately spoiled, even now that I'm married and thirty-mumble years old. This birthday was particularly bad; my parents took me to lunch on my birthday, another lunch over the weekend, and we celebrated with both lunch and dinner the following weekend. Poor Hubs has a birthday that's within days of Christmas, and (rightfully) laments the fact that his birthday celebration usually consists of a ten-minute timeout on Christmas day when all the family is gathered.
Hubs: We just ate your fourth birthday meal. Fourth.
Me: I know.
Hubs: I can't wait to enjoy my birthday White Castles that I have to eat in the drive thru while I'm still in the car.
My mom: No... It's your fortieth, right?
My mom: So you can go through the drive thru two times!
Friday, September 2, 2016
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Me: Um... Okay.
My mom: I swear I did not see that until after I bought it.
My dad: You could wear two of them and look twenty pounds lighter!
Me: So Hubs bought me workout videos and you got me a slimming swimsuit...
My dad: [handing me another gift] And here's your subscription to NutriSystem!
(For the record, I'm not fat and none of the comments were malicious. I don't want anyone thinking my family is comprised of actual assholes.)
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Yesterday was my birthday.
Hubs: Did you see the thing I posted on Facebook?
Me: No - I was busy today and just managed to keep up with the birthday wishes.
Hubs: Did you get the text I sent you of my junk?
Me: Yes, but it was so small I couldn't see it.
Hubs: That's the one, then.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
We drive past some warehouses with for sale signs outside. One of them boasts 52,000 square feet.
Me: Fifty-two thousand square feet? I can't even wrap my head around that.
Hubs: You probably could. Your head is pretty big.
[In his defense, I do have an unusually large noggin. I have to wear men's hats.]
Friday, August 19, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Monday, August 15, 2016
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
My inlaws bicker a lot; it's like their love language or something. They also inundate us with homegrown produce every summer. With the most recent round of squash, I turned some into noodles and gave them back to my MIL.
MIL: How did you do that?
Me: I have a spiralizer. If you like these, I'll send you the Amazon link to the one I got.
FIL: You could just hook a drill up to it. That would make spirals.
MIL: Why don't we just smash them through the holes in your head?
FIL: Nah. [Pause] They wouldn't come out skinny enough.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Me: Why are they never together on this?
Hubs: I know. They're sisters; they're supposed to be in sync.
Me: You know one day they will be in sync and not the way you're talking about. In the way you don't want to think about.
Hubs: One day it'll be all three of you.
Me: No, I'm on the pill.
Hubs: Well, you'll be in sync when they start taking medicine to "control" their "acne".
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
The Jersey Mike's (sandwich chain) in town is relatively new and the same small crew is on duty pretty much every time we go. Somehow Hubs always ends up showing up in Bengals gear and has developed a complex about becoming known as "The Bengals Guy".
Hubs: It figures we would decide to go to Jersey Mike's today. [points to his Bengals t-shirt]
Hubs: There must be something about Cincinnati that makes you want sandwiches.
Me: There must be.
Hubs: I wonder if I could find a shirt that makes you want [laughs] ... nevermind.
Me: Oh, like a shirt that I'd look at and be like, Mmm... dick.
Hubs: I would buy fifty of those.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Me: What is that? Like, six miles?
Hubs: I don't know. Just ten kilometers.
Me: If you wanna impress me, talk American.
Hubs: You're the reason Trump is going to get elected.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Me: Ew! There's lotion on your lips.
Hubs: Oh, sorry. Here. [hands me his bath towel and I wipe my mouth off]
Me: Wait. Was that the face end or the butt end?
Hubs: It's all butt end.
Me: Did you just call yourself a buttface?
Hubs: [considers] I suppose I did.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Me: [hurping noisily] I have the hurps.
Hubs: You have herpes?
Me: Yes, herpes.
Hubs: You know, that's the kind of thing you should share with your partner.
Me: I already have...
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Monday, June 13, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Me: Yeah. Well, it wasn't so much "leaving it out for them" as it was "not bothering to put it away". But thanks for spinning it.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
My mom: You know, people buy steaks and leave them in the fridge for, like, a week or something.
Me: Oh. Not intentionally, but yes.
Hubs: So that's a thing?
My mom: Yeah.
Me: So we've been doing something artisan this whole time? Man. We age all kinds of things.
Monday, May 30, 2016
Me: So apparently Beyonce's new album is about Jay-Z's affairs. Why would anyone cheat on Beyonce? I mean, she's Beyonce.
Hubs: Well, he's so arrogant he thinks he can do whatever he wants.
Me: Yeah, but Beyonce. I mean, it's not like he could upgrade. I don't care who he was screwing around with; he was slumming it.
Me: Maybe he has a thing for women who wear pants.
Hubs: Or someone who can dance.
Friday, May 27, 2016
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2016
Friday, May 20, 2016
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Hubs: Filming starts next week.
Me: And she'll actually be here in town?
Hubs: It says yes.
Me: Maybe I'll wander downtown to get a look. Maybe she'll make out with me.
Hubs: Oh really. So you'd like that?
Me: She's hot.
Hubs: You didn't say no. . .
|Can you blame me?|