Saturday, December 8, 2012

Team Edward

Hubs has a new boss named Edward, and there have been jokes about working on "Team Edward".

Me:  Well, if I had to choose between vampire and werewolf, vampire's the way to go.
Hubs:  So you're saying you don't want big hairy balls?
Me:  I just figure if he can lick his own balls, he doesn't need me.
Hubs:  So you're saying you want to lick balls?  I'm pretty sure that's what I heard you say.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Peanuts (the other kind)

We're watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas".

Me:  I love that Snoopy never makes a sound, but he laughs out loud.
Hubs:  I know.
Me:  And by "love", I mean it creeps me out.
Hubs:  Good to know for future reference.
Me:  I love you.
Hubs:  You went there fast, didn't you?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Litter Boxes

I'm lamenting my cats' bathroom habits.

Me:  What is the fascination with taking a dump in a freshly cleaned litter box?
Mom:  I couldn't say; I've never tried it myself.


A song comes on.

Hubs:  Hey, it's The Strokes.
Me (listening...):  Isn't that The White Stripes?
Hubs:  You are correct.  See?  That's why I married you; you keep me in line.
Me:  Aww.
Hubs:  I swear I used to be smart.
Me:  I know.  That's why I married you.


Me:  I'm so glad I don't have a peanut allergy. I like too many things with peanuts in them.  Like peanut butter.  And Snickers.  And... I can't think of anything else, but that seems like enough.
Hubs (scoffing):  Snickers don't have peanut butter.

Monday, November 5, 2012


My parents have head colds.  We met them for dinner, toddler in tow.

Hubs:  I hope you guys didn't give her syphillis or anything.
Me:  Jesus!
Hubs:  Wait... That's an STD, isn't it?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


We have a cat named Zeke.  Hubs was aggravated with him.

Hubs:  Zeke, you can lick my balls.
Me:  Do you want him to do that?
Hubs:  No.  Sandpaper.  That would feel weird.
Me:  So it's weird because it would feel like sandpaper, not because a cat would be licking your balls?

Saturday, October 20, 2012


The baby grabbed a handful of coins and shoved them in her mouth.  The Hubs got them away from her and was trying to quiet her screams.

Hubs:  You can play with them, sweetheart.  Just don't put them in your mouth.  [lengthy pause]  That's something Daddy's never said to Mommy.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Good Advice

I'm going to physical therapy to help with some pregnancy-related back pain.

PT:  So you want to avoid movements and stances that put most of your weight on one foot.  Try to keep your weight balanced.  An easy strategy is to keep your legs together.
Me:  Well, I'm already pregnant, so...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Cat Poop

I get home from running errands and Hubs tells me there's a cat turd on the floor.

Me:  Did someone just kick one out of the litter box?
Hubs:  Yeah, either that or it was a Doppleganger.
Me:  Dingleberry?

Election Year

Phone rings.  We check the caller ID and don't answer.

Hubs:  They called yesterday.  It's a local political thing.  They were representing the left-handed blind Mexican portion of the population.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Perks of Pregnancy

I'm twelve weeks pregnant with our second child.  This query came about two weeks ago.

Hubs:  When are you going to start nesting again?  That was delicious.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Passing Mustard

Hubs:  I'm buying a new bottle of mustard.
Me:  Okay.
Hubs:  The one we have now is the same one we had when we fed the movers.  Their hands were all over it.
Me:  They seemed like decent guys.
Hubs:  Yes, but their hands were dirty from handling stuff.
Me:  From handling our stuff.
Hubs:  Yeah.
Me:  With our dirt on it.
Hubs:  Yeah.
Me:  So you have the same dirt on your hands every day and you can touch the mustard?
Hubs:  Yes.  Also, I want to replace the couch.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Honey Boo Boo

If you haven't seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC, far be it from me to describe it to you.  Google it.  The 17-year-old daughter recently gave birth to her first child (presumably the first of many) and refuses to name the father.

Me:  So Anna won't say who the father is, but the baby has an extra thumb on one hand.  If they want to figure out who the father is, they should start by looking at her cousins.
Hubs:  They should start by looking for the guy with three thumbs.

Monday, August 20, 2012


Weathercaster:  There's a front coming through that will produce dry lightning.  This means lightning and thunder with no rain.
Hubs:  That's my nickname.  Dry lightning.

Friday, August 17, 2012


I have a head cold.

Hubs:  What did you just snort?
Me:  Cocaine.
Hubs:  Is there a crushed up pill in there?
Me:  What?
Hubs:  What did you just snort?
Me:  Afrin, you dumb ass.  I can't breathe.

Saturday, August 11, 2012


Texting with my mom, who was complaining about the mosquitoes at the campground.

Mom:  We can't even sit out up here.
Me:  Good lord. 
Mom:  Not sure if it's mosquitoes or no-see-ums.
Me:  Biting?
Mom:  Yes. Your dad goes out and tests....comes in I stay in :)
Me:  I'd hate to see what happened if you ever suspected a gas leak.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Sleep > Hygiene

Me:  I'm too tired to wash my face.
Hubs:  I'm too tired to look at it.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Indiana Jones

Me:  The new Indiana Jones is coming on next. You don't want to watch that, do you?
Hubs:  It has that Shabonga Shebangabang kid in it.
Me:  Shia LeBeouf?
Hubs:  That's the one.

Monday, July 16, 2012


Me:  I just saw a logo for some new city campaign.  It's the outline of a guy on a scooter and it says, "Scoot Around Lexington."  I wonder who started that movement.
Hubs:  The movement will shrink with each death.

Sunday, July 15, 2012


Hubs, watching me put Vaseline on my face:  How long have you had that stuff?  Isn't it expired?
Me:  It's ass fat from a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  Pretty sure it'll keep a little longer.

Paula Deen

Me:  Everything's better with butter.
Cousin:  And then you die.

Color What?

We saw a commercial for Touch of Gray men's hair color.

Hubs, who's bald:  I want to try Touch of Hair.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Good Parenting

Me:  Can you watch the baby for a minute?
Hubs:  Sure.  [pours a glass of bourbon]
Me:  Um. . .

That's Not Ice Cream

Me:  Kroger gave us a coupon for Haagen-Dazs.
Hubs:  That's disgusting. They don't sell Haagen-Dazs at Kroger.
Me:  What are you talking about?
Hubs: Oh. . . I was thinking of haggis.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse

Me:  If I turn into a zombie, you'll kill me, right?
Hubs:  I guess... If that's what you want.
Me:  Just try not to do it in front of the kids, but, you know.  You gotta do what you gotta do.

Friday, July 6, 2012


Hubs and I were watching a Nat Geo thing about the largest crocodile ever caught (20 feet), and the largest one ever spotted (30 feet).

Me:  Our living room is 17 feet wide.
Hubs, stepping three feet into the kitchen to gauge 20 feet:  Holy crap.
Me:  Can you imagine running into something like that?  I'd shit myself.
Hubs:  You'd die.
Me:  I'd shit myself and then die.

Sunday, June 24, 2012


As we're getting ready to go grocery shopping

Hubs:  Let me go get my wallet.
Me:  Yup.  That's important.
Hubs:  I'm surprised you don't already have it.
Me:  I don't need to have it.  I can sense it; where it is, how much is in it.  It's like a vampire blood bond.  It tells me when it hurts because it's getting empty.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Family Planning

Hubs:  Speaking of babies, when are you going to squirt out number two?
Me:  Well, I don't know. . ?
Hubs starts laughing so hard he can't talk.
Me:  Don't you have to squirt out the baby before I can squirt out the baby?
Hubs, still laughing:  I said "squirt" and "number two" in the same sentence.
Me:  You know that's not actually how it works, right?  I can't poop out a baby.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Listening to a TV music station, we heard the BeeGees "Nights on Broadway", and realized that Jimmy Fallon had actually used a BeeGees song for his Barry Gibb Talk Show theme song (with new lyrics, of course).

BeeGees:  Well, I had to follow you.  Though you may not want me to.
Me:  That's creepy.
Hubs:  That sounds like a stalker.
Me:  The BeeGees were getting a little rapey.

Guy Problems

Hubs is changing positions on the couch when he cringes and grabs his crotch.

Hubs:  Sometimes you just move the wrong way and you get a pain in one of your nuts.
Me:  Um. . . okay. . .
Hubs:  It's right in the middle of my nut.
Me:  Is it in the nucleus of your nutsack?

Monday, June 11, 2012

Dirt Devil

Me:  We need to vacuum these chairs.  They're disgusting.
Hubs:  We could just Dirt Devil them.
Me:  Same difference.  Whatever.  So we'll Dirt Devil them.
Hubs:  You can Dirt Devil deez nuts.
Me:  Really?  You want to try that?
Hubs:  What settings does it have?
Me:  Have you seen the brushes on that thing?
Hubs:  It would be like a boxer going at a punching bag.

Sunday, May 27, 2012


We were talking to friends about their fertility woes and the awkwardness of the husband giving a "sample" at the doctor's office.

Friend J:  So, I have to ask.  Are you allowed to use lube or anything?
Husband:  Nope.  Nothing.  Not even water.
Friend J:  What about spit?
Wife:  No.  Saliva kills sperm.
Me:  Ohhh... So that's why you don't get pregnant from blow jobs!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Unclear on the Concept

Me:  Does someone always die on this show?  Like, every episode?
Hubs:  Well, the name of the show is "Fatal Attractions," so...

Monday, May 14, 2012

TV Show

Me:  I figured out the name of that show with the crazy guy with the curly hair.  It's "Workaholics."
Hubs:  I was close.
Me:  You said "Shenanigans."
Hubs:  I knew it was a long name.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Par for the Course

My mom and I always end up talking about inappropriate or disgusting things when we get together, which The Hubs is still adjusting to. Tonight it was nuts and nursing home residents.

Hubs: We can't get through a night without a conversation like this.  What are you talking about over there? I heard "nuts" and something about old people?
Me:  Demented people peeing in electrical outlets.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Cookie Cake

Waiting in line at the cookie place at the mall

Me:  I hate cookie cakes.
Hubs:  Me too.  I got one for my birthday one year from this girl I was dating.
Me:  Is that why you broke up?
Hubs:  Yeah.  I knew something better was coming along.
Me:  You still holding on to that dream?
Hubs:  Yes.  Yes I am.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Tiki torches

The hubs put up our new outdoor oil lamps, filled them, and put the wicks in.

Hubs:  How long do those wicks have to be in there before they'll light?
Me:  I don't know.  How long does it take you to ignite once you dip your wick?
Hubs:  Hmm.  Not very long.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Saint Patty

Me:  You realize we're eating Mexican food on Saint Patrick's day, right?
Hubs:  What's wrong with that?  What do you think the Mexicans are eating?


After dinner, Hubs gets bored with the conversation and starts poking at a Maraschino cherry with his drinking straw.  After numerous unsuccessful attempts to puncture it, Mom turns to me and says, "I'm glad he wasn't your first."

Keep Calm and. . ?

Discovered one morning on my notebook that says, "Keep Calm and Carry On":

A post-it from my dad saying, "Bullshit!  It's time to panic!"

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Hubs is vivisecting a clementine segment into approximately seven pieces.

Me:  Are you cutting it up that small for the baby?
Hubs:  Yes. . ?
Me:  I've just been cutting them in half.
Hubs:  That's why you're a horrible mother.

Monday, April 2, 2012

March Madness

Me:  You're defrosting two pounds of chicken?
Hubs:  Yes.
Me:  There are only two of you eating.
Hubs:  I'm making chicken tenders, too.
Me:  Again, for two people?
Hubs:  It's the Final F***ing Four.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

UK Boots

Watching TV with my dad

Me:  Oh my god.  They make cowboy boots with the Kentucky logo.
Dad:  We'll buy some for the baby.
Me:  Those are hideous.
Dad:  Oh, come on. Where's your school spirit?
Me:  On my sweatshirts.

Monday, March 12, 2012


As we're getting back in the car after a quick grocery run, pre-SEC championship game

Hubs:  Dammit, we're going to miss the tipoff.
Me:  That's okay.  It's just the tip.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Missing Beer

Hubs [wandering around the house]: Where's my beer?
Me: I don't know.
Hubs: Oh, wait.  I drank it.
Me: Have another!

Friday, March 9, 2012


While watching a Viagra commercial:

Me:  It used to be that we would watch tampon commercials and joke about how great it would be to have your period because then you could go swimming and play tennis and ride a horse.  Now I think you need to get ED because then you could fix your car, fix your sail boat, and sit in a bath tub wherever you damn well please.

Monday, March 5, 2012


Mom holds up a refrigerator magnet: This magnet is shaped like a country.  Which country is it?
Hubs:  Florida.
Mom:  Florida is a *state*, not a country.  It looks like Africa.
Me:  Africa is a continent, Mom.

Fast Food

Hubs:  We need to compile a list of all the restaurants where kids eat free and just make the rounds every week. We'd save so much money.
Me:  And we could put all that saved money in an account to pay for fat camp and lipitor.

Thursday, February 23, 2012


Me:  Ohio State Buckeyes.  Excuse me, THE Ohio State Buckeyes.  What a bulls*** mascot.  Is that supposed to inspire fear?  All hail the mighty nut!
Hubs:  We had a buckeye tree in our yard when I was little.
Me:  Exactly!  And were you afraid of it?
Hubs:  Terrified.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Pinto Beans

Hubs:  Do you know why I don't eat pinto beans anymore? Because you took my soul, my free time, my likes and dislikes, and my eating habits away from me.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Hubs:  Let's go do it.
Me:  I just want to sleep.
Hubs:  I'll be quick.
Me:  No, seriously.  I just want to go to sleep.
Hubs:  Well, if we time it just right. . .
Me:  Here's an idea: I'll take an extra benadryl before I go to bed.  Give me about two hours, and then come on in.  I won't even know you're there.
Hubs:  I'm getting tired of doing that.

Friday, February 17, 2012


Me:  Who was the host on that SNL we haven't watched yet?  Tatum Channing?
Hubs:  It's Channing Tatum.
Me:  Why do you know that?
Hubs:  Um, because he's f***ing dreamy?

Thursday, February 16, 2012


As we were pulling up to McDonald's to satisfy our fountain Coke addiction, we noticed that the restaurant was dark.  There was a fire truck and an ambulance in the parking lot, both with their lights flashing.

Hubs:  Dammit!  Did some fatty die eating a Big Mac?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Me:  Why don't you get me a popsicle?
Hubs:  Why don't you make me a sandwich?
Me:  Seriously.  Get me a popsicle.
Hubs:  I'm not getting off this couch.
Me:  Then telekinesis me a popsicle.
Hubs:  You can telekinesis deez nuts.

Monday, February 13, 2012


Hubs:  Why are you obsessed with Shakira?
Me:  I'm not.
Hubs:  I'm pretty sure you once said you'd leave me for her if you had the chance.
Me:  That was before we had the baby.