Monday, December 21, 2015

Mmm... Bacon, Part Deux

We're cooking breakfast when Hubs pisses me off.

Me: I will throw that bacon grease on you.  [Pause.]  But then you wouldn't be pretty anymore.
Hubs: I am pretty.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Mmm. . . Bacon

Hubs was on his own with our daughters for dinner the other night and I asked for a full report when I got home. (They had breakfast for dinner.)

Hubs: Well, [2yo] just ate bacon. She wouldn't touch the french toast or sausage. She asked for a piece of mine, but [4yo] volunteered to share. Then she asked me again and I told her it was my bacon and I was eating it. Then she pouted.
Me: Seriously? You didn't go make her more?
Hubs: I didn't want to go through the hassle.
Me: It's precooked. You just nuke it.
Hubs: But it was in the freezer. In the garage. I didn't feel like walking out there.
Me: What? How do you sleep at night?
Hubs: With a belly full of bacon.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Accidental Racism, Part Deux

Hubs has a cousin who's about ten years younger than us and his wife happens to be black. Any time they come to visit we inadvertently say things that could be misconstrued as racist. As a mild example, this weekend we recommended a local restaurant known for a burger called the "Big Brown".

Sylvia (the wife) and I are in the car with my daughters and I'm trying to tell her in code that we've secretly signed my older girl up for ballet lessons.

Me: So we've enrolled [4yo] in lessons. . . um. . . Baryshnikov lessons.
Sylvia: I think I know who that is. . ? But. . .
Me: Let me think of a more contemporary reference. . . Oh! Misty Copeland! [Pause] Ohmigod. I swear she's the only ballerina I know right now and I did not say that just because she's a black woman.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

True Tarzan

Me: There's a new Tarzan movie coming out. Guess who's playing Tarzan.
Hubs: I feel like I know this but I can't remember.
Me: Alexander SkarsgÄrd.
Hubs: Oh lord. I know where all the women are going to be that weekend. I guess we'll have to get it on Blu-Ray and get a digital copy too.
Me: Yup. Just set me up and leave me alone for a week.
Hubs: So, do the ladies like him with long hair or short hair?
Me: He has hair?

Friday, December 4, 2015

Stupid Is as Stupid Does

1. My dad has a knack for justifying any purchase by using math.
2. I skipped three years of grade school.

We're at the Disney Store and I'm debating a purchase for my girls (ages two and four) for Christmas. It's an $80 dollhouse and I don't know whether to buy one or two since they don't always share well.

Dad: Let's assume [4yo] is at home for at least another nine years if she goes to college at fourteen like you did. So that's less than ten dollars a year for the dollhouse. And if [2yo] is home for another eleven, that's a total of twenty years of use, so that comes out to four dollars a year. Now, if they're stupid and don't start college until they're eighteen then you're looking at thirteen and fifteen years, so that's. . . less than three dollars a year for one dollhouse, just under six for two of them. Though, granted, that's if they're stupid and if they use them the whole time they're home.
Mom: And they'd have to be really stupid to play with dollhouses that long.