Monday, December 29, 2014

Yo Mama. . .

Everyone in our family (including our four parents) has been battling illnesses, from vomit to fevers to head colds to kidney stones.

Hubs: I gained back the weight I lost when I was sick last week. Do you know anyone with a stomach bug that I can make out with?
Me: Your mom.
Hubs: Gaaaaaaahhhhh!

Friday, December 26, 2014

He's My Cherry Pie

My mom makes cherry pie for Christmas every year. We're sneaking a bite before dinner when she loads the fork with half a slice of pie and aims for my face. 

Me: Good lord, give me half of that.
Mom: Really?
Me: Yes. I could never fit all of that in my mouth. [Pause] I've never said that to Hubs.

Friday, December 19, 2014

I Take What I Can Get

Hubs: Why are you being stupid again?
Me: Aww. That's sweet. The "again" implies that I stopped for a while, so I'm taking that as a compliment.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Who Googles That?

I was attempting to look up "nugget shaped pearls", but Google had different plans.



Mistaken Identity

I usually send Hubs a quick text when I leave work to tell him I'm on my way. The afternoon before Thanksgiving (which we were hosting) I accidentally sent the text to my mom instead.



Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Sphincter Ventriloquy

I bump something with my hand and it makes a weird noise.
Preschooler: Mommy, what was that?
Hubs: She farted.
Me: I did not. I hit this. [Replicating sound]
Hubs: Hmm. So you can throw your farts now. Good job.

Monday, December 1, 2014

He's So Pretty

I'm writing grocery items on the dry erase board when Hubs irks me, so I swipe the marker across his cheek.

Hubs: Not my face! That's my moneymaker!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Frequent Exchange

Hubs: You think you're better than me?
Me: Sometimes, yes.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Like Mother, Like Daughter. . .

Hubs is having trouble opening a package. 

Preschooler: You aren't really strong.
Hubs: You sound like your mother.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

339.82

I'm having issues choosing a diagnosis code for a patient and while looking for an appropriate one, I come across several that are rather inappropriate. I end up calling my boss for guidance and can't help mentioning my discovery.

Me: Did you know that 339.82 is the code for Preorgasmic Headache?
Boss: What?
Me: Yup. It's also the code for Orgasmic Headaches.
Boss: Man, I'd take more of those.
Me: Seriously. If I had a headache that induced orgasms, I don't know that I'd complain too much.



We hang up and I immediately text him:


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Is That Even Possible?

I've been holding this story in the hopes that I could share it in its entirety. Due to the twit in question being fired recent staffing changes in my office, I finally can.

A former coworker was an enthusiastic fan of oversharing. The last horrible story we heard before she left was about her twelve-year-old son; he plays football and had a rather interesting injury, which she described as him "pulling the muscle between his balls and his butt". For those of you with a colorful vocabulary like mine, this is commonly known as the taint. The other girls subjected to this story had eyes as wide as mine as she went on to demonstrate the exact movement that caused the injury, followed by the stretches assigned by his physical therapist to remedy the problem.

As soon as I'm able to take my leave of her, I immediately text Hubs and our friend Andrew because I'm dying that this kid sprained his taint.  Andrew texts me back after I offer to show him the stretches just in case he ever needs them.





Monday, October 27, 2014

Guilt-Ridden

I've been out of it all evening. 

Me: I feel dopey.
Hubs: Why?
Me: I don’t know. I just do.
Hubs: Why would you feel guilty?
Me: What? I said I feel dopey.
Hubs: Oh. That makes more sense.
Me: But I am guilty.
Hubs: Of what?
Me: OF BEING AWESOME.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

All the (Not Actually) Single Ladies

EB, our preschooler, wants to hold my engagement ring. 

Me: Sorry, sweetie. I don't take these off.
Hubs: Mommy only takes them off when Daddy's out of town.
EB: She takes them off when you're sleeping.
Me: Uh. . .

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Cohones

Hubs can't figure out how to set the timer on the toaster oven so I do it for him. 

Hubs: You think you're so smart.
Me: Um, I read the directions.
Hubs: I haven't read directions in. . . twenty years.
Me: I figured you were going to say since your balls dropped.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Working Girl

I'm out with friends when they start telling a story about a guy named John.
Me: Is this John John or the other John?
Friends: It's a third John. You probably haven't met him.
Me: Good lord. I have too many Johns to keep up with.  [Pause]  I should never say that again.

Monday, October 6, 2014

There's an App for That, Too?

Hubs and I are talking technology and his phone keeps dinging with chat messages.

Hubs: If we need to stream something from a website, I could always just attach my laptop to the TV via HDMI.
Phone: Ding!
Me: Or use the ChromeCast.
Hubs: [Hugs me in shocked silence and awe that I came up with a better solution than he did.]
Phone: Ding!
Hubs: That wasn't my phone.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Ba-Dum-Bum!

Me: Did you know that the aquarium was invented by a woman?
Hubs: That explains why they require so much maintenance.

Friday, September 26, 2014

As the Fire Starts to Mellow

Me: Why is this car so hot?
Hubs: That's just you. You're hot.
Me: Hmph.
Hubs: Actually, it's the heat from my heart. It's burning with love for you.
Me: Hmph.
Hubs: Isn't your heart on fire for me?
Me: Those flames burned out a long time ago. But I guess there's still some heat in the coals.
Hubs: Glowing embers?
Me: Yes. There's enough warmth to slowly bake a potato.
Hubs: I like baked potatoes.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Scotchy Scotch Scotch

I'm texting a close friend from undergrad and grad school.  We may have had some pretty crazy younger days, though I refuse to confirm or deny this.  I'm blue, she's yellow.




Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Stage Fright

Hubs works for a multinational technology company.  They have an annual conference for his division, and he's been roped into presenting at the next one.

Hubs:  I'm okay talking to groups of twenty or thirty people, but when you start talking about a hundred or more, that's different.  I just pretend there's no one in the room and I'm talking to myself and it tends to go okay.
Me:  I suppose, given your audience, that that's a better strategy than picturing everyone naked.  You're lecturing to the indoor kids.
Hubs:  I don't know.  All those fat balding men are right up my alley.
Me:  Have any of them actually been up your alley?
Hubs:  Not yet.  But I have my fingers crossed!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Sweet Dreams

Our friend Andrew attended a funeral recently, so I texted him the morning after to ask if he was okay and if he needed anything.  He said he was fine, but followed with this.



Monday, September 8, 2014

Rage Against the Dying of the Light

We're discussing getting rid of our cats. I love them, but my kids are allergic and they've become a huge pain in the ass.  However, I hate the thought of them living in cages at a shelter.

Me:  I'm just wondering if we should set them free.  See how long it takes them to get hit by a car.  Or gas them in the garage.
Hubs: Are you serious?
Me:  Not really.  I'm just afraid they won't go to a good home.
Hubs:  So you're thinking of putting them out of their hypothetical future misery.  This doesn't bode well for me as I age.
Me: Nope. But would you rather rot in a nursing home or die peacefully in your sleep?
Hubs: I'm not going to answer that question.
Me: Wise.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

We're All Mad Here

Hubs and I are both OCD but in very different ways. One of his compulsions is the need to check all of our locks three times before he comes to bed.
Hubs: It'll be nice when I get all this home automation set up and I can just push a button to lock the doors.
Me: I don’t think I'd trust that. I'd still want you checking them every night.
Hubs: Aww! So you appreciate my OCD!
Me: Yes. I've come to rely on it. So now my compulsion is to have you check the locks. You've turned your OCD into my OCD.
Hubs: As it should be.
Me: Dear god, we're just a short step away from being Randy Quaid and his wife.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Humid Much?

My dad and I are at an amusement park together and I text Hubs.  I'm blue, he's yellow.



Friday, August 29, 2014

Cold Water Challenge

My best friend and her partner are coming to visit from Portland. They've requested a day out on the lake while they're here.

My mom: I don’t know if we'll be able to swim. The water may be cold.
Me: Especially after the mild summer we've had.
My mom: Well, they're probably accustomed to cooler water than we are.
Hubs (who has only been half listening): What? Lesbians can tolerate cold water better?
Mom: Yes. They're biologically adapted to survive in cold water.
Me: They live in Ooorrrrreeggooonnn.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Happy to See Me

Hubs and I are discussing stealing a lobster tail from the unmanned seafood kiosk at Costco.

Me: I'm gonna grab one and stuff it down my pants. No, wait -- you should stuff it down the front of your pants and if anyone looks at you funny, I'll just say I'm a very, very lucky woman.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Copping a Feel

This was my Facebook status the other day:





Hubs saw it and texted me:


Monday, August 18, 2014

Okay, Maybe I Am a Bit Obsessed

Me: If I had it to do over again, I might just do a destination wedding.
Hubs: Planning for your second wedding?  To whom?
Me: To. . . Dammit. I was trying to think of a convincing celebrity, but I don't have a crush on anyone.
Hubs: Shakira.
Me: Ooh. I would totally have a destination wedding with Shakira.

For more Shakira, click here.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Typical Male Overestimation

I'm at an outdoor event with friends and the beer tents are handing out free coozies. I'm done drinking and am about to trash mine.

Andrew: Don't throw that away!
Me: Why not? I don't want it.
Andrew: I need a bunch of them for this weekend.
Me: A bunch?
Andrew: Well, maybe not a bunch. [Pause] Two would be nice.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Choosy Cheaters Choose. . .

I walk into Hubs's office and spot a 6-inch-long gray hair on his recliner.

Me: This better be mine. Because if you're cheating on me with another graying chick, we need to work on setting your standards higher.
Hubs: Nah. It's just a pube.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Porker

Hubs is supposed to be firing up the smoker midday for dinner.  I know he'll forget if I don't send a text.



Sunday, August 3, 2014

We Put the Ass in Massage

Hubs and I have been in the car for four hours.

Me: Apparently I'm not cut out for this anymore. My ass hurts.
Hubs: Don't worry. I'll take care of it. [Pause] I don't know what that means.
Me: Me either. But my massage therapist used to massage my butt. It felt sooo good.
Hubs: I want someone to massage my ass. You should take classes.
Me: In what? Ass massage?
Hubs: Just massage in general. You could do my back too.
Me: Gee. Thanks.
Hubs: Shoulders.
[Lengthy pause]
Hubs: Nutssss.
Me: You want a Swedish massage on your nuts? [Making karate chopping motions on my lap]
Hubs [wincing]: No. But they'd probably just scoot out of the way. When we get to the hotel we should put two cherries on the table and you can practice.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Paging Dr. Guinnespee

I work with three surgeons.  One of them is an Iron Man triathlete who frequently qualifies for the national Iron Man competition.  He also runs marathons for shits and giggles.

I texted him this picture:







This is the exchange that followed:



Monday, July 28, 2014

My Husband is Totally Tubular

Hubs is a computer programmer and is obsessed with technology.

Hubs: I'm going to nerd out for a second. But just for a second. Then I'll go back to being cool.
Me: Um. . . Yeah. . .

Thursday, July 24, 2014

It's What's for Dinner

Hubs: What are you going to go get me for dinner?
Me [flipping him off]
Hubs: I've had that before. I want something different.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

BeneFitBit

Me: I've almost hit my ten thousand steps for the day. I'm going to get on the treadmill and finish this.
Hubs: Yeah, I'm under by about five hundred but I don't care.
Me: Seriously? But you're so close! Just get on the exercise bike. You can watch my ass while I'm on the treadmill.
Hubs: I don’t have to be on the bike to do that.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Ich Bin Ein Berliner

We're watching the World Cup final and Goetze has just scored the winning goal.

Me: Do you know how much ass he's going to get?
Hubs: All of it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Farfagnugen

We're watching the World Cup final and Schweinsteiger has just been hit in the face and is bleeding.

Hubs: They have stuff they can spray on that to stop the bleeding immediately.
Me: They're German. They probably just pour beer on it.
Hubs: Their alcohol swab is soaked in beer.
Me: They used a pretzel to soak up the blood and then poured beer on it.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Record Breaker

Our preschooler says I'm four years old.

Hubs: Wow. If that were true, Daddy would be in jail.
Me: And Mommy would be in Guinness.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Shirt and Shoes (Should Be) Required

We're on the interstate behind an elderly man on a motorcycle.

Hubs: Is that dude shirtless?
Me: Yes. Unfortunately.
Hubs: I bet he has bug guts all over his nipples.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Toe

Hubs: Just so you know, I never buy anything unless it's on sale.
Me: I know.
Hubs: Camel camel camel.
Me: What?
Hubs: Camel camel camel. It's that site I told you about with all the deals.
Me: Ohhhh. . . Good. Because I was thinking my shorts weren't that tight.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Home Skillet

Me: Do you care if I put this on the mantel?
Hubs: I don’t even see what's up there. I don’t think any of that decorating stuff is necessary. I know you do it because it does make our house look more homely --
Me: Homely?
Hubs: Yes.
Me: Homely. Do you know what that means? It means ugly. I hope the word you were looking for is homey.
Hubs: Oh. Well. . . you're my homey.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Switching Teams

We're getting ready to do a bunch of yard work, and the only crappy all-terrain shoes I have are some old Doc Marten boots. 

Hubs: Breaking out the lesbian boots, huh?
Me: Yes. Keep being an ass and you'll see more of them.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Lips and Asses

Me: I like turkey dogs better than beef. They taste more like the cheap hotdogs I grew up eating. The beef ones are too strong.
Hubs: Yeah, I like the mullet hotdogs better, too.
Me: Did you mean mutt?
Hubs: Um, yes. I did.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Starting Over

We're talking about memorial service arrangements for my recently deceased grandfather, and about funerals in general. Hubs wants nothing to do with any of it and says he's going to fake his death.

Me: Just as long as I get the life insurance.
Hubs: Wow. It's always straight to the life insurance with you.
Me: I'm just saying if you're going to disappear and leave me alone with two kids, there better be something in it for me. I mean, other than a new lease on life.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Pecking Order

Hubs and I are having a dispute about the correct way to do something.

Hubs: But I've been yelled at for doing it that way.
Me: I don’t care. I'm your wife, we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, and I trump everyone else.
Hubs: You trump my mistress?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Post-Apocalyptic Bartering

Hubs came home from the grocery store one day and discovered a random pack of cigarettes in one of the bags. For some reason he's never thrown them away. 

Me: Why do you still have those?
Hubs: I don’t know. But if there's a zombie apocalypse, those will be a valuable commodity.
Me: True.
Hubs: We could trade them for. . . food or something.
Me: I was going to say women.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Lengths to Which We Go

Me: I haven't had a Coke in three weeks.
Hubs: Man, if I could just cut them out I could lose so much weight.
Me: So stop buying them.
Hubs: I can't. I'm addicted. It's like telling a crackhead to stop buying crack. Although if I start giving hand jobs for Coca-Cola, I may have a problem.

Monday, June 2, 2014

J. Edgar Who?

My parents are preparing for a two-week Mediterranean cruise.

My mom: We're not packing separate bags. The travel agent says to make each bag half mine and half your dad's; if one bag gets lost, we'll both still have clothes. It's called cross packing.
Hubs: That happened to me in Paris. I had to go buy pants and some shirts so I could work.
Mom: Yeah, you didn't have anyone to cross dress with.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Can't Always Get What You Want

We're shopping and our preschooler EB is throwing a fit about a stuffed animal she wants.

EB: But I like the big ones!
Me: Mommy does too, honey, but she married Daddy anyway.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Manly Man

Hubs: Want to know why I'm so hairy?
Me: Why?
Hubs: Because I drink bourbon. It puts hair on your chest.
Me: How do you explain your back?
Hubs: I've had some cheap bourbon.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

You Created This Monster

Hubs: You like my new pants?
Me: Yes.
Hubs (wiggling his eyebrows): Do you like what's in them?
Me: [sigh]
Hubs: I'm sorry. I can't help myself.
Me: I know. That's why I have a blog.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Literally Speaking. . .

Preface: There have been reports of a peeping Tom in our neighborhood.

I'm literally stepping into the shower when I remember there's something in the oven. I grab a robe before I go running downstairs.

Hubs: Meh. Just go naked. Throw the peeper a bone.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Not-So-Accidental Racism

In college my roommate had a Vietnamese friend (nicknamed Bill) who was very obliging about our farcical racism.

Bill: When I was a kid, I used to eat crayons.
Roommate: What was your favorite color? Which one tasted best?
Bill: Um, I don't know. Fire engine red?
Roommate: Ah. Tasted like Dalmatians, huh?

Friday, May 9, 2014

Catastrophic Allergies

Hubs has insisted for six years that he's allergic to cats. I don't believe him. To settle the score we're having him tested and he's been off his allergy meds for a week.

Hubs: So I'm miserable because I had to stop taking the medicine I take because I'm allergic to cats so that she can do a test that shows I'm allergic to cats and then they can give me a new medication because I'm allergic to cats.
Me: I don’t see what the problem is.
My dad (to me): You're not the one who's been suffering.
Me: Really? You think I haven't been suffering?

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Keeping Her off the Pole

We're eating dinner and our preschooler decides it will be funny to raise her shirt and flash us between each bite she eats. 

Hubs: It's my goal in life to make sure you never have to do that for food.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

There's Something about Hubs

Preface: Hubs is bald.

Hubs returns from the bathroom and notices weird wet spots on his shirt.

Hubs: That's soap. I swear.
Me: Mmm-hmm. Because if you ever try to pass it off as hair gel, you're totally busted.

Friday, May 2, 2014

And Jackass Was His Name-O

Our preschooler EB has a name that's five letters long so we frequently substitute it when singing Bingo. My mom finishes a round of her standard "There was a grandma had a girl. . ." when EB asks for a different version.

My mom: There was a daddy had a wife and. . ?
Hubs: B-I-M-B-O!

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Shut Up Already

Hubs is having trouble with a project at work. Throughout the evening, he keeps popping up with more instances of how badly the situation sucks.

Hubs: And you know what the worst part is?
Me: That you won't stop talking about it?
Hubs: Besides that.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Damsel in Distress

Our bed is ridiculously difficult to make and we struggle to put it back together every time I wash the sheets. There is generally profanity involved. 

Me: I'm stuck. Come get this.
Hubs: Pansy. Quit being so helpless.
Me: I thought men liked that. I thought it was part of our appeal; that we neeeed you.
Hubs: No. That's not attractive at all. You wanna know what's appealing about women? I'll tell you what's appealing about women.
Me: I know, I know. Boobs.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Sound Effects

Our preschooler EB is standing in Hubs's lap eating a Rice Krispies treat.

EB: Snap, crackle, pop!
Hubs [grimacing]: I think she's talking about my nuts.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Price You Pay

We're at a restaurant and Hubs is looking over our check.
Hubs: Man, you're expensive.
Me: I know. I shouldn't have gotten the appetizer.
Hubs: Oh. I wasn't even talking about the bill.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Don't Quit Your Day Job

We're leaving dinner.

Hubs: Do you want to stop for anything on the way home?  Drink? Snack?
Me: No, I'm full. But pleasantly full.
Hubs: That's my porn name. Pleasantly Full.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Optimus Past His Prime

The baby has just broken the preschooler's princess headband and we're trying to keep her from freaking out.

Hubs: Anything your sister breaks, we can either fix or replace, sweetheart.  [He pauses and sighs.] Unless it's Optimus Prime.
Me: What?
Hubs: My parents bought him before Transformers got popular and they stashed him away. By Christmas you couldn't find them anywhere so when I opened him up on Christmas morning I was SO EXCITED. Then an hour later I jumped off the couch and landed on him and broke his leg off. I cried and cried.
Me: Aww.  How old were you?
Hubs: I don't know. Like fourteen?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Spin Doctor

The baby shoves a whole waffle fry in her mouth. 

Hubs: You're going to have to get that out of there.
Me: Meh. She'll spit it out. And besides, it's a waffle fry; it has air holes. It's like the Lifesavers of potatoes.
Hubs: You should be in advertising.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Staying Positive

I'm lying in bed watching Netflix on my tablet when Hubs walks in.

Hubs: Why aren't you watching that on the TV?
Me: Um. . . it hadn't occurred to me. And you're always yelling at me for not using my tablet enough. Apparently I can't do anything right technologically.
Hubs: Not with that attitude, you can't.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

There Is Such a Thing as a Free Lunch

We're getting ready to go eat dinner. Hubs is wearing shorts and nothing else.

Hubs: I might just go like this. We might get a discount.
Me: Like a "Dear god just take it and get out of here" discount?
Hubs: Hey. A discount is a discount.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Zoom-a Zoom Zoom

When Hubs and I were dating he made me a mix CD with the word jams in the title.

Me: The only mistake you made was not spelling Jams with a Z.  Jamz.  Like when Tara made the playlist of songs about butts and called it Ass Traxx.  With two X's.
Hubs: Ah. Not just one X?
Me: No. That would've been stupid.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Feminine Mystique

I'm removing my bra without taking my shirt off when Hubs mentions for the eightieth time that he's still fascinated by women's ability to do that. As I explain it to him, the look of wonder slowly fades and then he seems unimpressed. 

Me: Dammit! I shouldn't have explained it. A magician never gives away her tricks.
Hubs: It's okay. That's really not what I'm focused on anyway. My thought process is more like, "Bra coming off! Bra coming off! Might see boobies!"
 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Ooh, That Smell (Part Five)

Hubs is excited about his new body wash. 

Hubs: It's the same scent as my deodorant!  I'll match!
Me: You know you're the only person who notices that, right?
Hubs: I sit alone in my office all day.
Me: Wallowing in your own stench.
Hubs: Yes. So I need to smell good.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Eye of the Beholder

Me: I'm wearing my old glasses. They're not the right prescription and everything looks funny.
Hubs: So I look handsome?

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Run for the Border

Both of our daughters are crying.

Hubs:  I'm moving to Mexico.
Me:  Not if I beat you there.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Digging a Hole

I'm telling Hubs about something particularly prissy our toddler did at the grocery store, which I was desperately hoping no one witnessed. He's laughing. 

Hubs: See? I told you! [Baby] is going to be just like me; the quiet athlete. And [Toddler] is going to be just like you; the. . .
Me: The. . ?
Hubs: Um. . . Ah. . . The. . . Sweet? Um. . . Social butterfly? Uh. . .
Me: Mmm-hmm.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Simple Things (and People)

We're talking about how happy our baby is.

Me: She sat in the yard tonight just playing with a stick and was perfectly content.
Hubs: I wish I could be that happy with just a stick. Of course, then I'd be retarded. So there's that.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Still Living in Mom's Basement

We're sitting in a strip mall parking lot discussing the gaming store we're facing.

Hubs: Yeah, that's definitely a Dungeons and Dragons kind of place.
Me: I bet they have a back room where people get together and play role playing games for three days straight. One of them runs next door to Little Caesar's when they get hungry.
Hubs: "You! Your energy is down to fifty percent! You go get the pizzas!"
Me: Yeah. . . I'm actually cool, so I didn't understand that reference.
Hubs: Want me to explain?
Me: I don’t think it matters.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Missed Calling

We're eating Korean food and Hubs's meal has come with a side dish of gigantic bean sprouts. I pick one up with my chopsticks.

Me: Want a sperm?
Hubs: Just one?  That's what you're getting later. One sperm.
Me: I didn't know you had that kind of control.
Hubs: If I did, I'd have a very different profession.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Spoiler Alert

We have a friend whose birthday is coming up and his wife is planning a surprise party. The day of, we learn that it's no longer a surprise.

Hubs: I wonder how he found out. She must have done something suspicious. I mean, like, if it were my birthday and the house was suddenly clean, I would know that something was up.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Unsaved Data May Be Naked

I'm trying to put the baby to bed when I hear our toddler in the bathroom and can tell she's unsupervised.  Hubs was supposed to be with her.  I go to check out the situation and find the toddler alone in the bathroom, naked from the waist down, standing on a step stool, and singing to herself in the mirror.
Hubs catches up with us in the toddler's bedroom and is complaining about her sitting on things while pantsless (which, obviously, is totally his fault).
Me: Okay, so, for future reference. . . You know how you won't stop playing your games until you reach a save point?  Well, this was not a save point.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Batting a Thousand

Following up on the last post about Hubs checking the garage for intruders. . .

Me:  Thanks for going out there with your Louisville Slugger. . . and your baseball bat.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

They're Heeeere

Our toddler has gone all Carol Ann and told me there's someone coming, they're in the garage, and I have to "open the doooor and see who it iiiiiissss."  I'm creeped out and insist that Hubs go check the garage for intruders.  He arrives downstairs with a souvenir-sized Louisville Slugger in hand.

Hubs:  I'm not sure what this is going to do against a demon.  But it's all I have.


Friday, March 14, 2014

Ask a Stupid Question. . .

Hubs: Why are you always hitting me?
Me: Why are you always making me hit you?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Keeping It in the Family, Part Deux

We're talking technology with my mom, who is looking to replace her broken Kindle. After debating 3G versus wi-fi only, the upcoming Paperwhite versus the soon-to-be phased out Paperwhite, battery life, etc., my mom makes a decision.

My mom: Okay. So what are my color choices?
Hubs: It only comes in one color. But that's why you buy a case.
Me: I'm actually really proud of you for asking all the important questions before asking about color.
Hubs: Yeah, seriously. Good job.
My mom: Thanks! I must've really done well if he's complimenting me.
Me: No, really -- if you weren't his mother-in-law, he'd be turned on right now.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Go Ask Alice

Hubs has slowly been outfitting his home office, and recently got a leather recliner.

Hubs: I'm looking at laptop trays to make it easier to eat lunch in the recliner.
Me: Why don't you just get one of those hospital bed swivel table things? They actually make stylish ones.
Hubs: Really?
Me: Yeah, it would be way more convenient. Like if the phone rang and you had to hop up, you could just swing the tray out of the way.
Hubs: I feel like that's the rabbit hole that would lead to me putting a bed pan in there.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Can't You Just Fly Solo?

Hubs walks in.
Hubs: I need your help with something. Like, really seriously need your help with something. Desperately.
Me: Gaaawwwd, just pull on it a few times.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Buzzzzz

We've been out for dinner and unexpectedly strong drinks.

Hubs: Let's hurry up and get home to the bourbon before I lose my buzz.

We get in the car. . .

Hubs: Yup, my vision is clearing up. Let's get rolling.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Celebrity Doppleganger

We're discussing how our waitress looked like someone famous. 

Me: I don't look like anybody. I just look like me.  But I have had, like, four people tell me, "Oh, you look just like this girl I know. . . but she's a bitch."  Seriously. This has happened repeatedly. Apparently I look like a bitch.
Hubs: I just haven't said it out loud.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Even LaToya Jackson Could've Gotten This Right

I'm giving Hubs shit about something(s).  He stands and glares at me.

Me: I know. It would feel good, wouldn't it?
Hubs: Um. . . What would feel good?
Me: Smacking me across the face.
Hubs: Get out of my head!

Friday, February 21, 2014

The Difference Between Eating in and Eating out Is the Amount of Cat Hair in My Food

We're at a restaurant.
My mom: Ooh. They only got an 89 on their health inspection.
Me: Meh. It's still cleaner than my kitchen.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Behind the Times, Part Deux

We're watching a recorded episode of a show from December that we knew wouldn't turn out well because of freakish unseasonable severe weather that particular night.  After the fourth meteorological interruption Hubs pauses the TV, which happens to show a very colorful radar shot.

Hubs: Jesus, it's just snow. Calm down. It's not like it was a tornado.
Me, pointing at the TV and reading the screen: Torrr-naaay-doooh.

Friday, February 14, 2014

V Day

Hubs: So, people are trying to set up an online game night on Sunday nights at nine. But I don't think I can do it because of the girls.
Me: Why not? As long as you can help me get one of them to bed before then, I can handle the other.
Hubs: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. If this is something you want to do, don't let us stop you.
Hubs: Maybe I'll tell them I'm in.
Me: Good. And I'd like to take this opportunity to point out once again that you have a cool wife.
Hubs: Yes, I do. Hmm. . . I probably should have bought her something for Valentine's Day.
Me: YEAH, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE, MOTHERF***ER!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Behind the Times, Part One

We tend to let things stack up on our DVR and then binge watch our favorite shows.  Last night we were watching the Christmas episode of Raising Hope, and Hubs noticed a commercial.

Hubs: I thought that promotion was over.
Me: Deee-cemmm-berrr.

Monday, February 10, 2014

In Absentia, Part One

Hubs recently took a business trip.  His texts are yellow, mine are blue.

Friday, February 7, 2014

RuPaul Quotes for One Hundred, Alex

Hubs is bitching about the industrial grade cardboard box he just dismantled to fit in our recycling can.

Hubs: It was big and thick anyway, so it was hard enough to fold it up and get it tucked in there.
Me: That's what shim said.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Elementary, My Dear

Hubs has been out of town, so I've been driving his car.  We get in it today and he notices that his GPS stand has slid forward and is sitting against the windshield.

Hubs: Hit the breaks hard, huh?
Me: Yeah. . . Some dumbass a few cars up stopped short.
Hubs: You know you can't hide anything from me. I'll find the evidence.
Me: Actually, you have no idea. I intentionally leave just enough traces of little stuff to make you feel like you've got me pegged. I'm throwing you off the scent of the big stuff.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Comatose

EB (our toddler) is obsessed with Disney princesses.

EB: Here, Daddy. Here's Snow White and Sleeping Beauty just for you!
Hubs: Snow White and Sleeping Beauty?  That sounds like a dream I had.
Me: That sort of sounds like a date rapey dream.

Friday, January 24, 2014

That Doesn't Smell

First, read this post from November.

Hubs and I are back at a basketball game.

Me:  That towel boy is here again. 
Hubs:  Gross.
Me:  Wait a minute.  He's not wearing the towel around his neck tonight!  Do you think he reads my blog?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Can You Do That?

Text conversation between my mom (blue) and dad (white).

Friday, January 17, 2014

Keeping It in the Family

I'm on the phone placing a product order.  The customer service rep asks for my last name and zip code to determine whether we're in their catalog mailing database.

CSR:  Ah!  I found you.  Are you related to [Hubs]?
Me:  Yes.  I mean, no.  He's my husband, so no, we're not related.  That would be creepy.
CSR:  Well, that would be creepy.
Me:  But we do live in Kentucky.

Monday, January 13, 2014

The Pits

My parents buy a cherry pitter. When they read the instructions, they learn it can also be used to pit olives.

My dad:  Oh. . . Well, I guess some people don't like pimientos.

(Because he reads this blog, I feel it necessary to point out that he was being witty, not stupid.)

Friday, January 10, 2014

Anti Anti Social, Part Deux

Hubs: That one bar was too crowded.  I have no desire to go back there.
Me:  I told Omar the other day that I think he underestimates how much you hate people.
Hubs:  I don't hate people.  I just don't like being around people.
Me:  So you're glad they exist, but don't want to be reminded of their existence?
Hubs:  Exactly.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

All in a Day's Work

Hubs works from home. I've just arrived home late in the midst of a decent snow with a wind chill of 6 degrees; on the way I stopped to get hot chocolate and peppermint Schnapps because the kids are gone for the night.

Hubs: Oh, good. That will be yummy.
Me: I'm trying to warm up.
Hubs: Yeah, I meant to start drinking earlier but I got distracted playing Mario.
Me: Wow. Rough day at the office, huh?

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Just the Fax, Ma'am

Our receptionist:  I don't think I got your fax.  What did it look like?
Me:  It was probably white with black writing.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Switching Teams

Hubs has recently become terrible at parking his SUV.  We pull into a spot at a restaurant and he sits quietly contemplating his parking job.

Hubs: I don't think I'm straight.
Me:  You're telling me this now?