Saturday, November 30, 2013

Captain Underpants

Me: I've noticed that more often than not, the garage door is unlocked when I get home.
Hubs: That's because I leave it unlocked.
Me: What? Since when?
Hubs: Since always.
Me: We've lived here a year and a half. How have I never noticed this?
Hubs: You also don't notice that I wear your underwear.
Me: You what?
Hubs: Huh? I didn't say anything.
[I start walking away.]
Hubs: [whispering] . . . on my head.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Lightning Deals

We do all of our holiday shopping on Amazon, and Hubs waits all year for their Black Friday --> Cyber Monday sales. He is particularly obsessed with the lightning deals, and maps out his day to be sure he's online when certain items go up for grabs. We slept in separate rooms last night because he set an alarm for 3 am to get a cheap GPS. Lightning deals are all I've heard about for the past three days.

Hubs: No matter what you ask me this weekend, the answer is going to be "lightning deal. "
Me: So if I ask whether you want to go do it. . .
Hubs: Lightning deal!
Me: Maybe I'll just put it in my cart and think about it. It expires after fifteen minutes right?
Hubs: I don’t need fifteen minutes.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Give an Inch (or Less)

We've lived in the same house for 18 months and Hubs has just recently begun misjudging when he pulls his car into the garage.

Me: You just cleared that by millimeters. Millimeters.
Hubs: Millimeters are all I need. You remember that later.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Cause and Effect

My grandfather lives in the middle of nowhere with my aunt. They frequently have stray cats (and thus litters of kittens) around. As felines are wont to do, the strays always find the warmest, coziest spots to hide and sleep. 

Gramps walks into my aunt's kitchen one morning and says, "My fan belt's off and you're missing a kitten."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Animal House

Our toddler is hobbling around the house with her pants around her ankles.

Hubs: Pull up your panties so we can go eat dinner.
Me: I bet you never thought you'd say that.
Hubs: Not since college, no.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Maybe Next Year

We're at Gold Star Chili, looking at the menu.

Hubs: I think I want a three-way.
Me: For your birthday?
Hubs's brother: I think that's birthday and Christmas.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Burn

Hubs: Why don't you go get me a coke?
Me: I'm too tired to come up with a biting remark so I'm just going to say no.
Hubs: It still stings.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Ooh That Smell, Part 4

We're at a college basketball game. There's one particular towel boy who runs out and mops the court, then sits back down with the towel around his neck. It's disgusting.

Me: That towel boy is back this year.
Hubs: Gross.
Me: I bet he sleeps with that thing.
Hubs: I bet it's never been washed.
Me: I bet he invites girls to his dorm room to smell it.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Boxers, Briefly

Hubs: I bought new boxers. You'll see them soon.
Me: In the laundry?
Hubs: Geez, you didn't even give me a chance to say something sexy.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Lost in Translation

I am a medical person. Hubs is a computer person. This makes for some very futile but funny conversations at our house.  

Hubs:  It all sounds the same. It all sounds like "the psychosomatic region of the Adirondack gall bladder area."

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Martha, Martha, Martha

My mom: Have you watched Martha Stewart's new show?
Me: No.
My mom: It's more like her old one. I haven't seen her do crafts yet; just cooking. Anyway, each show has a theme.  Like she makes sauces. Or yesterday it was about stocks.
Me: Like buying, selling, insider trading?
My mom: No [laughing].  Like -- she's -- wait, I'm going to get this! Like --
Me: Do you want to call me back?
My mom: Shut up, you shit.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Fall Back

Me: Hmm.  Just noticed I never reset my watch for daylight savings. I've only been wearing it for a week.
Hubs: We haven't changed any of the clocks in our house, either.
Me: Yes, we did. We changed the ones on our computers.
Hubs: And our phones.
Me: See? We're on top of things.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Put a Lid on It

We're trying on hats.

Me: Does this look stupid?
Hubs: No, but your face does.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Babysitter in a Bottle

Twice in the past week, someone has accidentally (?) suggested I drug my kid.

Me: I'm trying to figure out how to rig the final part of EB's Halloween costume.
Cousin: Just get some of that PCP pipe.
Me: PVC pipe?

Mother-in-law: I bought her a Monster sticker book for Halloween. 
Me: Oh, she'll love that.
MIL: Well, it's not really stickers. It's more like chloroforms.
Me: Colorforms?

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Aim Small

We have these cool integrated toilet seats that EB can switch out to get a smaller diameter so she doesn't fall in.

My mom: We got one of the toilet seats like you guys have, but she won't use it. Insists on using the old one. [Sighs]
Hubs: I want to get one with a smaller hole and use it for target practice.
My mom: Like, for you?
Hubs: Yeah.
My mom: So you'd need a really small diameter.
Hubs: I walked right into that one, didn't I?

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Usual Suspects

Two important things:
1. EB's newest racket is to beg out of stuff by telling us she's afraid (she's almost three). 
2. Even though it's November 5, we're still using our Halloween tablecloth.

Hubs:  We have to sit down while we eat, sweetie.
EB:  I can't sit down.  I'm afraid.
Me:  What are you afraid of?
EB [staring at the table]: I'm afraid of the bat.
Me:  You just pulled that off the tablecloth, Keyser Soze.  Try again.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Spit or Swallow

EB (almost three years old) has developed a nasty habit of storing chewed food in her cheeks instead of swallowing it, and then eventually asking to spit it out.

Hubs: Okay, sweetie. Just swallow that one last bite and you can go play.
[EB is looking at him skeptically.]
My mom: She's trying to figure out whether it's worth it to swallow.
Me: Aren't we all?