Friday, January 29, 2016

Trigger Happy

Background: When my parents were first married they had an incident in which my dad arrived home unexpectedly and my mom almost shot him, thinking he was an intruder. It's something we still joke about.

Return to present day and Dad has just said something particularly sarcastic to Mom.

Me: Ooh. I think he has a death wish.
Dad: She doesn't know where I keep the handgun.
Mom: No, I don't anymore. But I know where your nuts are.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Polar Bear in the Snow

Last winter we got 15" of snow in one day. A group of us from work were texting from home since none of us made it into the office.



Monday, January 25, 2016

You Can't Touch My Lazy, Part Deux

At bedtime, our 2yo decided to pretend I was her sister instead of her mom. So when a lucky opportunity arose, of course I took advantage. Later I relayed the story to Hubs. 

Me: She dropped something behind her bed and asked me to get it and I said, 'Let's wait til tomorrow and ask Mommy to dig it out'. Because, you know, I wasn't Mommy just then.
Hubs: Wow. You are an artist at getting out of doing things.
Me: I know. And thank you for recognizing it. Most people can't appreciate it. Most people will never know how hard I will work just to get out of doing something.
Hubs: It's a finely honed skill. 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Satan Must Be Ice Skating

Hubs is a rabid Kentucky basketball fan. Rabid. He and I have just finished a lengthy, rather emotional conversation when he holds up his phone and shows me the game score.

Hubs: I completely forgot there was even a game tonight. That's how invested I was in our conversation.
Me: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? I need to make a plaque or something. This day will go down in history.
Hubs: I know.
Me: This was better than renewing our vows. I mean, if I ever doubted how much you loved me, you just put all that to rest.
Hubs: I know. It won't happen again.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Herschel Walker Took Ballet

Our 5yo daughter has just started ballet and Hubs will have to take her to class by himself this week. We're arguing about how her hair will make its way into the requisite updo since I won't be here and he claims he's incapable.

Hubs: [under his breath] I wish I'd had boys. We could be playing sports.
Me: [kicking him] Well, I had nothing to do with that. You'll have to take it up with your nuts.
Hubs: [shakes his fists at his crotch] Football. FOOTBALL!

Monday, January 18, 2016

Official Red Ryder Carbine Action Two Hundred Shot Range Model Air Rifle

We get in the car to head to a basketball game. 

Me: Do you have the tickets?
Hubs: To the gun show?  [Flexes his biceps]  You always have tickets to that. 
Me: I know. I've been trying to sell them but no one will take me up on it.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Logic > Love

We're at my parents' cabin in the middle of nowhere and cell service is spotty. Hubs decides to run an errand and after two hours my parents start getting uneasy. He finally returns to the cabin unscathed.

Hubs: Did you leave me a voicemail?
Me: That was Dad. I told him not to call.
Hubs: Why did you tell him not to call?
Me: Well, if you were fine, you wouldn't have called us because you were fine. If you had been in an accident and you were conscious and you had service, you would've called; and if you didn't have service, it wouldn't do us any good to call you. If you didn't call because you were incapacitated then you wouldn't be able to answer anyway. So I said there was no point in calling you.
Hubs: It's nice to hear you give a shit.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Flattery Will Get You. . . Nowhere

Hubs and I are spending a childless evening de-Christmasing our house. We've been drinking to make the process more enjoyable, but as a result Hubs cannot remember a single instruction I've given him about how to pack things away. 

There are multiple exchanges that are something like this:
Me: What the hell are you doing?
Hubs: Uh. . .
- or -
Me: What did I just tell you?
Hubs: Uh. . . 

And it all culminated with this:
Me: Why is there a gold ornament in the red box?
Hubs: Um... Because you're beautiful?

Friday, January 8, 2016

Size Matters

Hubs had an article of clothing on his Christmas list, and requested a certain size. While shopping, I decided that he actually needed a size smaller -- and I was right.

Me: See? Aren't you impressed by how well your wife knows you? I took one look and thought, too big.
Hubs: You should always know that things are an inch shorter than I say they are. 
Me: Figured that out a long time ago.