Friday, March 31, 2017

Cutting Corners

I've been watching Hubs painstakingly apply marinara to three small pizza crusts for our dinner, making sure they're perfectly covered.

Hubs: Is this the sauce you want?
Me: Yeah, but I'll put it on afterwards. I'm using my cauliflower crust.
Hubs: Why you gotta be so weird?
Me: Why you gotta spend 45 minutes putting sauce on pizza?
Hubs: Have you seen me butter rolls?
Me: I have lost so much time because of your OCD. I can't even imagine how much you've lost. Do you know how much time you could save if you just half-assed things?
Hubs: That sounds like a book.
Me: Yes! Save Time by Half-Assing Things. Like, who needs two coats of paint? Just do one and tell people it's a thing. Start a trend.
Hubs: Turn on fewer lights and no one will notice the difference.
Me: See? Save time, plus money on paint, plus money on electricity! I'm onto something here.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Sole Searching

Hubs and I are watching Forensic Files.

Me: The pattern on the bottom of that shoe looks like a penis!
Hubs: What? It looks like a shoe.
Me: No, seriously. [rewinding] Look at the white shape down the center.
Hubs: Yup. That's a dong.

It can't just be me.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Piled Higher and Deeper

My best friend grew up in coal mining country in Appalachia. After living in Oregon for fifteen years, she recently moved to central Massachusetts. Winter did not go well, especially when poor timing brought a blizzard while her New Englander wife was out of town.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Stupid Is as Stupid Does, Part Deux

Hubs and I are sitting on the couch, discussing what to do with our night in.

Me: Let's play a game and watch something stupid.
Hubs: I've got half of that covered.
Me: What?
Hubs: I said I already have half of that covered.
Me: What?
Hubs: Watching something stupid. I'm already watching something stupid.
Me: What are you talking about?
Hubs: YOU. I'm watching YOU.
Me: Ohhh... I think that joke may have been more impactful than you intended.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What Happens in Vegas

Hubs recently took a trip to Vegas and my dad called him about something unrelated on the night before he left.

Hubs: Then he said, "Don't go out there and do anything stupid."
Me: That's laughable.
Hubs: Yeah, but not all hookers are stupid...

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Paternal Instincts

We have a large aquarium in our living room, and Hubs has been working on perfecting the habitat for the betta he keeps upstairs in his office.

Hubs: So, I moved that fat fish upstairs to make sure the new tank was balanced right. I thought it was dying because it quit moving but... it was pregnant.
Me: What?!
Hubs: Yeah, I looked in there today and there were a bunch of babies swimming around and there were more eggs in the corner.
Me: Cool! I want to see!
Hubs: I already flushed them all.
Me: What? You didn't leave them for me to look at?
Hubs: I panicked! I panicked and I flushed them all.
Me: So you panicked and your first thought was KILL THE BABIES?

Monday, March 13, 2017

Bono Is No Bueno

A friend of mine has a problem with Bono. Like, a really really intense problem.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Letting It All Hang Out

Sometimes I see crazy patients. Really, really crazy patients. This one was so remarkable that I had to message Hubs in the middle of the day.

Friday, March 3, 2017

On the Rocks

Hubs gets up from the couch to get us drinks.

Me: I want grape juice.
Hubs: In a big glass or a little glass?
Me: In a juice glass.
Hubs: Ice?
Me: No, no ice. I like my grape juice neat.
Hubs: You're a real woman's woman.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Ninjas Are Deadly and Silent

A friend inquired about my wardrobe plans for inauguration day.