Friday, August 29, 2014
My best friend and her partner are coming to visit from Portland. They've requested a day out on the lake while they're here.
My mom: I don’t know if we'll be able to swim. The water may be cold.
Me: Especially after the mild summer we've had.
My mom: Well, they're probably accustomed to cooler water than we are.
Hubs (who has only been half listening): What? Lesbians can tolerate cold water better?
Mom: Yes. They're biologically adapted to survive in cold water.
Me: They live in Ooorrrrreeggooonnn.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Hubs and I are discussing stealing a lobster tail from the unmanned seafood kiosk at Costco.
Me: I'm gonna grab one and stuff it down my pants. No, wait -- you should stuff it down the front of your pants and if anyone looks at you funny, I'll just say I'm a very, very lucky woman.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Me: If I had it to do over again, I might just do a destination wedding.
Hubs: Planning for your second wedding? To whom?
Me: To. . . Dammit. I was trying to think of a convincing celebrity, but I don't have a crush on anyone.
Me: Ooh. I would totally have a destination wedding with Shakira.
For more Shakira, click here.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Me: Why not? I don't want it.
Andrew: I need a bunch of them for this weekend.
Me: A bunch?
Andrew: Well, maybe not a bunch. [Pause] Two would be nice.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Hubs and I have been in the car for four hours.
Me: Apparently I'm not cut out for this anymore. My ass hurts.
Hubs: Don't worry. I'll take care of it. [Pause] I don't know what that means.
Me: Me either. But my massage therapist used to massage my butt. It felt sooo good.
Hubs: I want someone to massage my ass. You should take classes.
Me: In what? Ass massage?
Hubs: Just massage in general. You could do my back too.
Me: Gee. Thanks.
Me: You want a Swedish massage on your nuts? [Making karate chopping motions on my lap]
Hubs [wincing]: No. But they'd probably just scoot out of the way. When we get to the hotel we should put two cherries on the table and you can practice.