Saturday, March 29, 2014

Still Living in Mom's Basement

We're sitting in a strip mall parking lot discussing the gaming store we're facing.

Hubs: Yeah, that's definitely a Dungeons and Dragons kind of place.
Me: I bet they have a back room where people get together and play role playing games for three days straight. One of them runs next door to Little Caesar's when they get hungry.
Hubs: "You! Your energy is down to fifty percent! You go get the pizzas!"
Me: Yeah. . . I'm actually cool, so I didn't understand that reference.
Hubs: Want me to explain?
Me: I don’t think it matters.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Missed Calling

We're eating Korean food and Hubs's meal has come with a side dish of gigantic bean sprouts. I pick one up with my chopsticks.

Me: Want a sperm?
Hubs: Just one?  That's what you're getting later. One sperm.
Me: I didn't know you had that kind of control.
Hubs: If I did, I'd have a very different profession.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Spoiler Alert

We have a friend whose birthday is coming up and his wife is planning a surprise party. The day of, we learn that it's no longer a surprise.

Hubs: I wonder how he found out. She must have done something suspicious. I mean, like, if it were my birthday and the house was suddenly clean, I would know that something was up.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Unsaved Data May Be Naked

I'm trying to put the baby to bed when I hear our toddler in the bathroom and can tell she's unsupervised.  Hubs was supposed to be with her.  I go to check out the situation and find the toddler alone in the bathroom, naked from the waist down, standing on a step stool, and singing to herself in the mirror.
Hubs catches up with us in the toddler's bedroom and is complaining about her sitting on things while pantsless (which, obviously, is totally his fault).
Me: Okay, so, for future reference. . . You know how you won't stop playing your games until you reach a save point?  Well, this was not a save point.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Batting a Thousand

Following up on the last post about Hubs checking the garage for intruders. . .

Me:  Thanks for going out there with your Louisville Slugger. . . and your baseball bat.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

They're Heeeere

Our toddler has gone all Carol Ann and told me there's someone coming, they're in the garage, and I have to "open the doooor and see who it iiiiiissss."  I'm creeped out and insist that Hubs go check the garage for intruders.  He arrives downstairs with a souvenir-sized Louisville Slugger in hand.

Hubs:  I'm not sure what this is going to do against a demon.  But it's all I have.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Ask a Stupid Question. . .

Hubs: Why are you always hitting me?
Me: Why are you always making me hit you?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Keeping It in the Family, Part Deux

We're talking technology with my mom, who is looking to replace her broken Kindle. After debating 3G versus wi-fi only, the upcoming Paperwhite versus the soon-to-be phased out Paperwhite, battery life, etc., my mom makes a decision.

My mom: Okay. So what are my color choices?
Hubs: It only comes in one color. But that's why you buy a case.
Me: I'm actually really proud of you for asking all the important questions before asking about color.
Hubs: Yeah, seriously. Good job.
My mom: Thanks! I must've really done well if he's complimenting me.
Me: No, really -- if you weren't his mother-in-law, he'd be turned on right now.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Go Ask Alice

Hubs has slowly been outfitting his home office, and recently got a leather recliner.

Hubs: I'm looking at laptop trays to make it easier to eat lunch in the recliner.
Me: Why don't you just get one of those hospital bed swivel table things? They actually make stylish ones.
Hubs: Really?
Me: Yeah, it would be way more convenient. Like if the phone rang and you had to hop up, you could just swing the tray out of the way.
Hubs: I feel like that's the rabbit hole that would lead to me putting a bed pan in there.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Can't You Just Fly Solo?

Hubs walks in.
Hubs: I need your help with something. Like, really seriously need your help with something. Desperately.
Me: Gaaawwwd, just pull on it a few times.

Sunday, March 2, 2014


We've been out for dinner and unexpectedly strong drinks.

Hubs: Let's hurry up and get home to the bourbon before I lose my buzz.

We get in the car. . .

Hubs: Yup, my vision is clearing up. Let's get rolling.