Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Tune in, Tokyo

Hubs bought a new coat just before we left on vacation and thus spent all week assessing it. He was most impressed by the three sets of pockets.

Hubs: Look, there are pockets way up high. If I use these, my elbow sticks out like this and it's the right height for you to hold onto. 
Me: I thought they put them up high so you could tweak your own nipples. 
Hubs: That too. Why do you think I've been smiling all week?

Friday, November 25, 2016

This Holiday Brought to You by Wine

We sit down for Thanksgiving dessert and someone finally notices that my daughters have nothing to drink. I, on the other hand, have had a glass of wine in hand since I woke up.

Hubs: There are juice boxes right behind you.
Me: Yup. I noticed that.
Hubs: You should stop drinking alcohol and get your babies something to drink.
3yo: Yeah, Mommy! Take care of us!

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night

We're shopping at Costco and our daughters are getting restless. They decide to take their boredom out on Hubs.

Hubs: I'm standing here with a case of beer and a girl trying to pull my clothes off.
Me: Isn't that just a Saturday night?

Friday, November 18, 2016

Yippie Ki Yay

Hubs reaches under the covers, pulls out one of my socks, and throws it at me.

Me: Yeah. There are probably more down there.
Hubs: Why do you have socks in the bed?
Me: Well, I'm usually cold when I come to bed but then I get hot in the middle of the night and I take them off.
Hubs: So you take them off with your toes?
Me: Yeah. And then sometimes I'll kind of scrunch up my toes and grab the socks and hold onto them while I fall asleep.
Hubs: [pushing me away from him] You are so weird.
Me: It's comforting.
Hubs: You know who else scrunches their toes to calm down?
Me: Um. . . no?
Hubs: John McClane from Die Hard. You would know that if you let me watch it.
Me: Did you just compare me to Bruce Willis?
Hubs: I guess I did.
Me: So that's, like, a huge compliment.
Hubs: I guess it is.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Warm It Up

Hubs walks up behind me and rubs against my butt. 

Hubs: Are you turned on?
Me: Oh, yes.
Hubs: [walks away]
Me: So you turn me on and just leave? Are you letting me preheat?

Monday, November 14, 2016

Just the Temp

Hubs is checking his weather app.

Hubs: Guess what the temperature is going to be on Thursday.
Me: 69.
Hubs: How did you know that?
Me: Because that's the only reason you'd ask me.
Hubs: Yeah, but I could've been surprised that it was going to be, like, 80. Or drop to 40.
Me: And you would've said, "Hey, it's going to be 80 on Thursday." The fact that you asked me gave it away.
Hubs: Damn. I gotta work on my tells.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Free At Last

The following was posted on a Facebook page I follow and I had to show it to Hubs:

Me: Obituaries are going to become a thing of the past. I mean , I wouldn't put a notice in paper if you died.
Hubs: Well, it wouldn't be an obituary. It would be more like, "Party at Hayley's House!"

Friday, November 4, 2016

Ascension into Hell

Hubs and I just returned from a trip to Prague, where we visited Prague Castle and Saint Vitus Cathedral. Construction on the cathedral began in 1344 and it boasts a giant clock tower whose main spire reaches a height of 317 feet. We purchased tickets to climb the tower without really thinking about what we were getting into -- which was 287 steps up a spiral staircase with steps about three feet wide.

We thought. We were going. To die.

Photo credit to Hubs

We finally reached the ground again, dizzy and trying to catch our breath, and looked back up at the tower. I was still in awe of the history and architecture around us and was feeling pretty blissful about the experience. Until...

Hubs: Where did we climb to?
Me: Those big openings at the top.
Hubs: Well, that was dumb.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Wrong Direction

Hubs and I listen to vastly different music. We're at a restaurant when the One Direction song "Story of My Life" comes on.

Hubs: Who is this?
Me: Are you messing with me?
Hubs: No; this is a good song.
Me: Seriously. You're not messing with me?
Hubs: No; I really don't know who this is, but I like this song.
Me: Ohmigod me too! It's One Direction and I loved it the first time I heard it but I didn't know it was them and now I feel like I can't listen to it just on principle!
Hubs: Ha! I got you to admit that you like One Direction!
Me: You shit! You knew who this was?
Hubs: I got you!
Me: But how do you know who it is? The only way you'd know that is because I told you, and you never listen to me.
Hubs: I always listen to you. I just choose what information to retain.
Me: I hate you so much right now.