Saturday, October 26, 2013

Friday the PG-13th

My mom: We were going to go camping this weekend, but we found out there are going to be a hundred and fifty Cub Scouts at the campground.
Hubs: You know Jason's going to show up and f**k some s**t up.
Me: No he won't. They're Cub Scouts. They won't be having sex.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Winter Is [Ahem] Coming. . .

Hubs and I are huge fans of Game of Thrones.  He comes up to me to show me something on his phone.

Hubs: I'm a nerd so I get updates from this website, but look -- they just came out with a Danaerys bust.
Me: With no boobs? What's the point?
Hubs: I know! I got two hands.
Me: Well, just one, really, if you're, you know. . .
Hubs: This is why I love you.


I get home from work and find that Hubs is in the bathroom. While waiting for him, I decide to check Facebook.

Pocket Pool

EB (almost 3 years old) is playing with a ball when it rolls under the TV cabinet.
EB: That ball is stuck. But Daddy will get it.
My mom: Is Daddy the ball retriever?
Me: Daddy's the ball handler.
My mom: So he handles his own balls?

U shd reed moar

Hubs: I used to read. I was smarter when I read and the things that came out of my mouth actually made sense.
Me: Wow. That's a side of you I've never seen. I wouldn't know what to do with you.
Hubs: Well, you could start by. . . [can't think fast enough and starts chuckling]
Me: There are, like, eight ways I could end that sentence and they all involve --
Hubs: Deez nuts.
Me: Yes.  [sigh]

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Junk in the Trunk

Me: Gah! I keep having to pull up my stupid underwear because they keep sliding down.
Hubs: Isn't that a good thing? If they're loose and falling off it means they're too big, right?
Me: No. They're too small. There's only enough fabric there to cover half my ass, which is the bottom half.  I have too much mass in my ass.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Ooh That Smell, Part Tres

Venus Vs Mars

I'm kneeling in the floor.  Hubs walks up behind me and straddles my back.

Me:  Oh jesus.
Hubs:  Hmm. . . I didn't hear a "no".

Rice and Beans

Hubs: That Mexican restaurant is up here that we're supposed to check out.
Me: Yeah, I've heard it's really good.
Hubs: What's it called again? El Guapo?
Me: Coba Cocina. But you were close.

Ooh That Smell, Part Deux

We're making our way upstairs to go to bed and this happens as we're passing through the foyer.
Hubs: What's that smell? Is that potpourri? Is something burning?
Me: Yeah, I noticed that burning smell earlier when I was upstairs.  Oh. . . I guess I should've investigated that.
Hubs: Upstairs.  Where the girls are.
Me: Yes. Upstairs where our daughters have been sleeping peacefully for the past two hours after I noticed the burning smell.
Hubs: Oh jesus.

Ooh That Smell

Hubs: Oh my god it smells like someone took a shit. Was it you?
Me: No. I promise I'm not sitting on a load.
Hubs: Are you sure? You look taller.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Thrill Is Gone

It's our anniversary.

Me: We could start the day off right with some shower sex.
Hubs: Nah, I'm busy.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


Okay, so this isn't an exchange.  But I thought it was worth sharing.

Is anyone else thinking that this guy should've gone into preventive medicine?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Bad Juju

We've had a very bad streak of things breaking around our house.

My mom:  What all has broken on you?
Hubs:  The toaster, the microwave, the vacuum cleaner, my car battery, the touchpad, the TV, the toilet, our router, and my grill cover.  Oh, and there's a mouse living in our grill.
My mom:  Have you all considered going to church?

Monday, October 7, 2013

Magnetic South

Hubs has just taken off his pants and is rearranging himself. He notices me rolling my eyes.

Hubs: You don't understand. My nut was stuck. Sometimes you just have to move them.
Me: We need to implant tiny magnets in them and get a magnetic stick so you can move them around less conspicuously. Like those Wooly Willie magnet shard things when we were kids.
Hubs: That might actually work.
Me: I'm on to something here. Magnet nuts.

Hubs disappears into our closet and comes back a couple minutes later, chuckling.

Hubs: You said "magnet nuts".

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Pizza Pizza

Me: I don't even like the smell of pepperoni.
Hubs: Well, you're just dumb.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Rain Check Yo'self

A text conversation with a guy who's not my husband, regarding lunch plans we made.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


My boss makes us all watch the Miley Cyrus "Wrecking Ball" video (not the whole thing, just enough that we can share in his horror).

Boss: She got what she was going for; she had something like eighty million views in just a couple days.
Me: I know. But if you thought the whole world was going to see you naked, wouldn't you have spray tanned your titties?