Charmin Ultra Soft

I discovered while Hubs was out of town that he purchased single ply toilet paper. It's one of the first things I bring up when he gets home.

Me: So... the toilet paper.

Hubs: [grimacing] Yeah... I knew you'd notice that while I was gone. 

Me: It's probably best. I've had a few days to calm down about it.

Hubs: Oh. Wow. Well, I bought a giant pack of it at Costco.

Me: And? 

Hubs: Aaaand... I'm going to buy more toilet paper?

Me: Damn straight.

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Me: The FitBit app just updated. They added a section for tracking Female Health.
Hubs: Huh. Like your period?
Me: Yes. And fertility.
Hubs: Cool.
Me: But also headaches and mood swings.
Hubs: Oh god. You'll need a bigger FitBit.

Shake, Shake, Shake Senora

Hubs and I are at opposite ends of the cereal aisle when we simultaneously pick up a box, step away from the shelf, and shake the box. We slowly look up at each other in horror and the millennial standing between us gets freaked out, laughs nervously, and says, "That was weird," before hastily grabbing his cereal and hurrying away.

Me: Dude. We just gave that kid a story. [high five]

Life, Ahh, Finds a Way

I'm telling Hubs about a video I saw where Jeff Goldblum reviews tattoos of himself.

Hubs: I'm going to get a Mario tattoo on my lower back .
Me: Which Mario? Lopez?
Hubs: Is there another Mario?
Me: Why is he so popular?
Hubs: It's the dimples. They're irresistible.


For the Jeff Goldblum video, click here.

Martyrs Don't Wear Pants

Oh Hell Naw

Hubs: We could have another baby.
Me: HA! Not happening.
Hubs: Oh, come on. You have some vagina left.

Sink Sank Sunk

You know what's lovely? Having a friend who makes her own vinyl stickers.

Golden Oldies

Hubs and I are eating dinner in silence.

Me: We're so old.
Hubs: What?
Me: We're old.
Hubs: Guess who I ran into at the bar tonight?
Me: What are you talking about?
Hubs: Isn't that what young people do? Go to bars?
Me: I guess..?
Hubs: This one dude in our crew was all, "I have to stay at home and hang out with my girlfriend," and we were all, "That's lame, bro," but he's still cool. Then I got on SnapChat and I made a meme and it went viral. It got, like, twenty-five views. Then I had some avocado toast to celebrate.