Thursday, July 27, 2017

Monday, July 24, 2017

Kentucky Girl

I recently attended an outdoor wedding and was walking to the reception area when the wind caught my skirt, resulting in a Marilyn Monroe moment. Because I had a drink in both hands (don't judge), my friend and the stranger next to me jumped to push my skirt back down for me.

Stranger: Do you want me to hold your drink so you don't spill it?
Me: Trust me: I'll expose myself before I spill my bourbon.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Size Matters

I put on Hubs's garage sandals to help him unload the car.

Me: Look how much smaller my feet are than yours.
Hubs: [chuckles] Huh. Yeah.
Me: I guess that explains why my penis is also smaller than yours.
Hubs: But not by much.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Smack of Ham

Hubs recently went out of town and our daughter insisted that he take along one of her dolls.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Where the Sun Don't Shine

My dad had a colonoscopy.

My mom: It was a different place than where he had his colonoscopies before.
My dad: No, it was still my ass.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Allusion Confusion

Hubs and I are dragging our daughters' bikes through a field.

Hubs: Do you want the smaller one?
Me: [Sighing] Yes, because I'm fat and lazy.
Hubs: Well, you're one of those things.
Me: Did you just call me fat?

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Poop, There It Is

Our four-year-old is great about peeing by herself, but always calls for help when her bathroom adventures expand beyond urination. Then we get this text from my dad while my parents are babysitting.