Saturday, September 28, 2013


We're at home at night and Hubs disappears. I can't find him anywhere. Finally he shows up from outside.

Me: I was actually starting to worry about you.
Hubs, mimicking me: "Did a zombie get him? What happened? Please leave a body, please leave a body."
Me: Ooh, I hadn't thought about that. How long does it take for them to declare you dead so I can get the insurance payout?

Racist Pumpkins

I convinced Hubs to buy a ginormous white pumpkin the other night. It literally needed its own grocery cart and it may be the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I was showing pictures of it to my boss, who's a smartass.

Boss: Is that a white pumpkin?
Me: Yes. Isn't it awesome?
Boss: What are you, racist?
Me: Yes. I'm going to go home and decorate it with blackface.

Size Matters

Me: Why didn't you park there?
Hubs: I didn't think I could fit in that spot, but once I got closer I realized it was bigger than I thought it was.
Me: I hope that's not what he said.
Hubs: Like landing an airplane in a hangar.
Me: Throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

Savage Zit

Me: I have a massive zit right at the opening of my nostril.
Hubs: Those hurt like a bitch.

He notices that the radio has switched to a Savage Garden song, cringes, and changes the channel.

Me (still inspecting my nose): I'm so pissed about this stupid thing.
Hubs: You better stop; you're turning me on.
Me: I know. Between the zit talk and the Savage Garden, you don't stand a chance.

Vapor Lock

We're at my parents' house and my mom is flipping through random jpeg files on her laptop, many of which are ecards.

My mom: Do you know why men snore when they lie on their backs?
Hubs: No.
My mom: Because their balls cover their butthole, creating a vapor lock.
Me: Do you know how many reasons I have to castrate you now?

Friday, September 27, 2013


Hubs is sitting on the floor trying to fix a broken computer and the cat keeps rubbing on the wireless keyboard, pushing buttons.

Hubs: Quit rubbing on it!
Me: That's what she said.
Hubs: You'll make it go off!

Selective Hearing

Me:  Did you know we can sign up for Costco before they open next month?  They're taking new members at that hotel by my parents' house.
Hubs:  I told you that two weeks ago.
Me:  You did?
Hubs:  Yes.  I told you we could beat the crowds, so we should do it.
Me:  I probably heard "do it" and just tuned you out.
Hubs:  Oh.  I can't blame you.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


Hubs and I are discussing football (on rare occasions I do actually participate). He is a rabid Bengals fan.

Hubs: Pittsburgh is about to piss this one away.
Me: That's good. And we beat the Packers today, too. That was a big win.
Hubs: Yes, it was.
Me: And we never play them, right?
Hubs: Every four years or so.
Me: Like Dallas.
Hubs: Yes.
Me: See me talking football? And getting it right?
Hubs: Be careful. You keep this up and we'll have a third kid.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Adventures at the DMV

Actual texts I sent to a friend while at the DMV yesterday.  It was crowded and 85 degrees in there (no joke -- I spotted a thermostat).  After a scant 20 minutes in line, I was just one person away from the service counter when they announced that the computers were down.  I think it's understandable that I was a bit grouchy.

Not That Kind of Excited

We have just discovered the existence of caffeine free Coke Zero, which I've been wishing for for years.

Me: I'm so excited!
Hubs (wiggling his eyebrows suggestively): Excited, huh?
He cranes his neck to peer at my back side.
Me: Um, what are you looking for?
Hubs: Pheromones. Like, rising off of you in a cloud or something.
Me: From my ass?
Hubs: I don't know where they come from.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hannah McKay

Hubs says he has heartburn.  I dig through the medicine cabinet and hand him a pill.

Hubs:  What is this?
Me:  Zantac.  It got me through two pregnancies.
Hubs:  I just figured I should ask, Miss What's-Your-Life-Insurance-Worth-This-Week.  Just to be on the safe side.
Me:  The only way you can ever truly be safe is to cancel the policy.

Monday, September 16, 2013

This One's a Throwback, Part Deux

This conversation occurred a few months after our first daughter was born, and we had just watched a documentary about all the harmful toxins in plastic.

My Mom: Did you microwave stuff in plastic when you were pregnant with her?
Me: Not often.
My Mom: Those studies showed that when boys were exposed to BPA in utero, it decreased their testosterone levels and they had smaller genitals.
Me: I guess that explains why we can't find her penis.

Good To Know

My Patient: Did you see the episode of Myth Busters about Breaking Bad?
Me: No. . .
My Patient: Well, apparently there was an episode where they were trying to dispose of a body by putting it in a bathtub full of acid to dissolve it.  In the episode, the acid ate through the tub and the floor and the bathtub came crashing through the first floor ceiling.
Me: I imagine that made quite a mess.
My Patient: It did. But the Myth Busters proved that the combination of acids you'd need (which they wouldn't disclose on TV, of course) wouldn't actually eat through a fiberglass tub.  So you can dissolve a body in a bathtub full of acid.
Me: Well, my weekend plans just changed.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Kirkland, My Kirkland

Costco has finally come to town, but is still a month away from opening. I'm absolutely beside myself and as a result I'm standing in the kitchen, making up a song about Costco.

Me: Costco is coming to town. . .
Hubs raises an eyebrow.
Me: I am so excited. . .
Hubs looks annoyed.
Me: We can buy organic vegetables. . .
Hubs sighs.
Me: And twelve pounds of chicken. . .
Hubs: Don't stop now.
Me: I'm not a circus pony. I don't perform on command.
Hubs: Then why did I buy you?

Monday, September 2, 2013

Fava Beans

Our youngest daughter (MB, age 5 months) has just been bitten by EB (2.5 years). Now EB is crying about something unrelated.

Me: She's not going to get a lot of sympathy from me. I'm still upset with her.
Hubs: Well, she just Hannibal Lecter'ed her sister, so. . .