Hubs: We'd have to put a sign on her, but with lies. Like when you try to give away a cat and you're like, "What? This cat? No, he never pukes."
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Hubs has asked me to plug in the GPS, and is waiting while I fumble around in the back seat.
Hubs: Is it in yet? Hey. . . I've asked that before.
Me: Really? Um, thanks, dear.
Hubs: Oh, wait. That was a slam on you wasn't it?
Me: You know I've had two kids. Geez.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
We're watching the original stop-motion Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It's the scene where Santa is still a young man and makes his first trip to deliver toys. He's singing to the kids to sit on his lap and give him a kiss and he'll give them toys. It's unsettling.
Santa: "When you sit on my lap today, a kiss a toy is the price you'll pay."
Me: Have you ever noticed how creepy this is?
Hubs: Is it? I'm not paying attention.
Me: Yeah. But it's like a-van-with-no-windows creepy. Like, hide-your-kids creepy.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I'm sitting on the couch, crocheting a gigantic afghan.
Hubs: What is that?
Me: It's an afghan I started a few years ago.
Hubs: Who's it for?
Me: It's for you. For your office.
Hubs: Hmm. Thanks.
A few minutes later, we get into a discussion about how long it takes to crochet a single row. Hubs takes in the enormity of the project and realizes just how much time will go into completing it.
Hubs: Wow. You must really love me.
Me: Well, like I said, I started it a few years ago.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Our little one is eight months old, and is terribly fond of abusing her father's giant cranium. Hubs walks up to us, bending over and ducking his head so she can reach it.
Hubs: Go ahead. I know you want to hit it.
Me: That's what Mommy says when she bends over for Daddy.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Me: I've noticed that more often than not, the garage door is unlocked when I get home.
Hubs: That's because I leave it unlocked.
Me: What? Since when?
Hubs: Since always.
Me: We've lived here a year and a half. How have I never noticed this?
Hubs: You also don't notice that I wear your underwear.
Me: You what?
Hubs: Huh? I didn't say anything.
[I start walking away.]
Hubs: [whispering] . . . on my head.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
We do all of our holiday shopping on Amazon, and Hubs waits all year for their Black Friday --> Cyber Monday sales. He is particularly obsessed with the lightning deals, and maps out his day to be sure he's online when certain items go up for grabs. We slept in separate rooms last night because he set an alarm for 3 am to get a cheap GPS. Lightning deals are all I've heard about for the past three days.
Hubs: No matter what you ask me this weekend, the answer is going to be "lightning deal. "
Me: So if I ask whether you want to go do it. . .
Hubs: Lightning deal!
Me: Maybe I'll just put it in my cart and think about it. It expires after fifteen minutes right?
Hubs: I don’t need fifteen minutes.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
My grandfather lives in the middle of nowhere with my aunt. They frequently have stray cats (and thus litters of kittens) around. As felines are wont to do, the strays always find the warmest, coziest spots to hide and sleep.
Gramps walks into my aunt's kitchen one morning and says, "My fan belt's off and you're missing a kitten."
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
We're at a college basketball game. There's one particular towel boy who runs out and mops the court, then sits back down with the towel around his neck. It's disgusting.
Me: That towel boy is back this year.
Me: I bet he sleeps with that thing.
Hubs: I bet it's never been washed.
Me: I bet he invites girls to his dorm room to smell it.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
My mom: Have you watched Martha Stewart's new show?
My mom: It's more like her old one. I haven't seen her do crafts yet; just cooking. Anyway, each show has a theme. Like she makes sauces. Or yesterday it was about stocks.
Me: Like buying, selling, insider trading?
My mom: No [laughing]. Like -- she's -- wait, I'm going to get this! Like --
Me: Do you want to call me back?
My mom: Shut up, you shit.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Me: Hmm. Just noticed I never reset my watch for daylight savings. I've only been wearing it for a week.
Hubs: We haven't changed any of the clocks in our house, either.
Me: Yes, we did. We changed the ones on our computers.
Hubs: And our phones.
Me: See? We're on top of things.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Twice in the past week, someone has accidentally (?) suggested I drug my kid.
Me: I'm trying to figure out how to rig the final part of EB's Halloween costume.
Cousin: Just get some of that PCP pipe.
Me: PVC pipe?
Mother-in-law: I bought her a Monster sticker book for Halloween.
Me: Oh, she'll love that.
MIL: Well, it's not really stickers. It's more like chloroforms.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
We have these cool integrated toilet seats that EB can switch out to get a smaller diameter so she doesn't fall in.
My mom: We got one of the toilet seats like you guys have, but she won't use it. Insists on using the old one. [Sighs]
Hubs: I want to get one with a smaller hole and use it for target practice.
My mom: Like, for you?
My mom: So you'd need a really small diameter.
Hubs: I walked right into that one, didn't I?
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
1. EB's newest racket is to beg out of stuff by telling us she's afraid (she's almost three).
2. Even though it's November 5, we're still using our Halloween tablecloth.
Hubs: We have to sit down while we eat, sweetie.
EB: I can't sit down. I'm afraid.
Me: What are you afraid of?
EB [staring at the table]: I'm afraid of the bat.
Me: You just pulled that off the tablecloth, Keyser Soze. Try again.
Monday, November 4, 2013
EB (almost three years old) has developed a nasty habit of storing chewed food in her cheeks instead of swallowing it, and then eventually asking to spit it out.
Hubs: Okay, sweetie. Just swallow that one last bite and you can go play.
[EB is looking at him skeptically.]
My mom: She's trying to figure out whether it's worth it to swallow.
Me: Aren't we all?
Saturday, October 26, 2013
My mom: We were going to go camping this weekend, but we found out there are going to be a hundred and fifty Cub Scouts at the campground.
Hubs: You know Jason's going to show up and f**k some s**t up.
Me: No he won't. They're Cub Scouts. They won't be having sex.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Hubs and I are huge fans of Game of Thrones. He comes up to me to show me something on his phone.
Hubs: I'm a nerd so I get updates from this website, but look -- they just came out with a Danaerys bust.
Me: With no boobs? What's the point?
Hubs: I know! I got two hands.
Me: Well, just one, really, if you're, you know. . .
Hubs: This is why I love you.
Me: Wow. That's a side of you I've never seen. I wouldn't know what to do with you.
Hubs: Well, you could start by. . . [can't think fast enough and starts chuckling]
Me: There are, like, eight ways I could end that sentence and they all involve --
Hubs: Deez nuts.
Me: Yes. [sigh]
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Me: Gah! I keep having to pull up my stupid underwear because they keep sliding down.
Hubs: Isn't that a good thing? If they're loose and falling off it means they're too big, right?
Me: No. They're too small. There's only enough fabric there to cover half my ass, which is the bottom half. I have too much mass in my ass.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Me: Yeah, I noticed that burning smell earlier when I was upstairs. Oh. . . I guess I should've investigated that.
Hubs: Upstairs. Where the girls are.
Me: Yes. Upstairs where our daughters have been sleeping peacefully for the past two hours after I noticed the burning smell.
Hubs: Oh jesus.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
My mom: What all has broken on you?
Hubs: The toaster, the microwave, the vacuum cleaner, my car battery, the touchpad, the TV, the toilet, our router, and my grill cover. Oh, and there's a mouse living in our grill.
My mom: Have you all considered going to church?
Monday, October 7, 2013
Hubs has just taken off his pants and is rearranging himself. He notices me rolling my eyes.
Hubs: You don't understand. My nut was stuck. Sometimes you just have to move them.
Me: We need to implant tiny magnets in them and get a magnetic stick so you can move them around less conspicuously. Like those Wooly Willie magnet shard things when we were kids.
Hubs: That might actually work.
Me: I'm on to something here. Magnet nuts.
Hubs disappears into our closet and comes back a couple minutes later, chuckling.
Hubs: You said "magnet nuts".
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
My boss makes us all watch the Miley Cyrus "Wrecking Ball" video (not the whole thing, just enough that we can share in his horror).
Boss: She got what she was going for; she had something like eighty million views in just a couple days.
Me: I know. But if you thought the whole world was going to see you naked, wouldn't you have spray tanned your titties?
Saturday, September 28, 2013
We're at home at night and Hubs disappears. I can't find him anywhere. Finally he shows up from outside.
Me: I was actually starting to worry about you.
Hubs, mimicking me: "Did a zombie get him? What happened? Please leave a body, please leave a body."
Me: Ooh, I hadn't thought about that. How long does it take for them to declare you dead so I can get the insurance payout?
I convinced Hubs to buy a ginormous white pumpkin the other night. It literally needed its own grocery cart and it may be the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I was showing pictures of it to my boss, who's a smartass.
Boss: Is that a white pumpkin?
Me: Yes. Isn't it awesome?
Boss: What are you, racist?
Me: Yes. I'm going to go home and decorate it with blackface.
Me: Why didn't you park there?
Hubs: I didn't think I could fit in that spot, but once I got closer I realized it was bigger than I thought it was.
Me: I hope that's not what he said.
Hubs: Like landing an airplane in a hangar.
Me: Throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Me: I have a massive zit right at the opening of my nostril.
Hubs: Those hurt like a bitch.
He notices that the radio has switched to a Savage Garden song, cringes, and changes the channel.
Me (still inspecting my nose): I'm so pissed about this stupid thing.
Hubs: You better stop; you're turning me on.
Me: I know. Between the zit talk and the Savage Garden, you don't stand a chance.
We're at my parents' house and my mom is flipping through random jpeg files on her laptop, many of which are ecards.
My mom: Do you know why men snore when they lie on their backs?
My mom: Because their balls cover their butthole, creating a vapor lock.
Me: Do you know how many reasons I have to castrate you now?
Friday, September 27, 2013
Hubs: I told you that two weeks ago.
Me: You did?
Hubs: Yes. I told you we could beat the crowds, so we should do it.
Me: I probably heard "do it" and just tuned you out.
Hubs: Oh. I can't blame you.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Hubs and I are discussing football (on rare occasions I do actually participate). He is a rabid Bengals fan.
Hubs: Pittsburgh is about to piss this one away.
Me: That's good. And we beat the Packers today, too. That was a big win.
Hubs: Yes, it was.
Me: And we never play them, right?
Hubs: Every four years or so.
Me: Like Dallas.
Me: See me talking football? And getting it right?
Hubs: Be careful. You keep this up and we'll have a third kid.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
We have just discovered the existence of caffeine free Coke Zero, which I've been wishing for for years.
Me: I'm so excited!
Hubs (wiggling his eyebrows suggestively): Excited, huh?
He cranes his neck to peer at my back side.
Me: Um, what are you looking for?
Hubs: Pheromones. Like, rising off of you in a cloud or something.
Me: From my ass?
Hubs: I don't know where they come from.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Hubs: What is this?
Me: Zantac. It got me through two pregnancies.
Hubs: I just figured I should ask, Miss What's-Your-Life-Insurance-Worth-This-Week. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: The only way you can ever truly be safe is to cancel the policy.
Monday, September 16, 2013
This conversation occurred a few months after our first daughter was born, and we had just watched a documentary about all the harmful toxins in plastic.
My Mom: Did you microwave stuff in plastic when you were pregnant with her?
Me: Not often.
My Mom: Those studies showed that when boys were exposed to BPA in utero, it decreased their testosterone levels and they had smaller genitals.
Me: I guess that explains why we can't find her penis.
Me: No. . .
My Patient: Well, apparently there was an episode where they were trying to dispose of a body by putting it in a bathtub full of acid to dissolve it. In the episode, the acid ate through the tub and the floor and the bathtub came crashing through the first floor ceiling.
Me: I imagine that made quite a mess.
My Patient: It did. But the Myth Busters proved that the combination of acids you'd need (which they wouldn't disclose on TV, of course) wouldn't actually eat through a fiberglass tub. So you can dissolve a body in a bathtub full of acid.
Me: Well, my weekend plans just changed.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Costco has finally come to town, but is still a month away from opening. I'm absolutely beside myself and as a result I'm standing in the kitchen, making up a song about Costco.
Me: Costco is coming to town. . .
Hubs raises an eyebrow.
Me: I am so excited. . .
Hubs looks annoyed.
Me: We can buy organic vegetables. . .
Me: And twelve pounds of chicken. . .
Hubs: Don't stop now.
Me: I'm not a circus pony. I don't perform on command.
Hubs: Then why did I buy you?
Monday, September 2, 2013
Our youngest daughter (MB, age 5 months) has just been bitten by EB (2.5 years). Now EB is crying about something unrelated.
Me: She's not going to get a lot of sympathy from me. I'm still upset with her.
Hubs: Well, she just Hannibal Lecter'ed her sister, so. . .
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Hubs: Can I have one of those?
Me: I thought you didn't like this kind. They're green tea flavored.
Hubs: I don't know what they taste like.
Me: Well, they taste like green tea.
Hubs: Yeah, but what does that taste like?
Me: Like green tea. That you drink. Every day. Because you have a fridge full of it.
Hubs: Oh yeah. I like that stuff.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Hubs is playing World of Warcraft.
Me: So are you playing against other people?
Hubs: No. The game is designed so you can join up and play with other people, but I don't do that.
Me: Why not?
Hubs: Because I don't like people.
Me: So you're antisocial even in virtual social situations? Is there a name for that?
Hubs: Shut up!
Me: There should be a "Hang on, I have to piss" button.
Hubs: Or options. Pee is five minutes. Take a dump, fifteen minutes. Lunch, an hour. Road head...
Me: You don't pull over for road head. That's the point of road head.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Me: Because it's in the middle of the driveway blocking you in.
Me: Because I took the carseats out yesterday and they're in the garage; there wasn't room for me to pull in.
Hubs: Why didn't you put them back in last night?
Me: Because I got home at 1:30 in the morning.
Hubs: So? You could've done it.
Me: You realize your next question is going to be, "Why is my nose bleeding?" or maybe, "Why do my nuts hurt?"
Hubs: They're numb by now.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Me: I find it odd that McDonald's is apparently thriving in India.
Me: It's a company founded on beef.
Hubs: I'm sure they have a regional menu.
Me: It says here that there's a McAloo potato burger.
Hubs: They're all crazy, bathing in that river where they burn dead bodies.
Me: And bathe their animals.
Hubs: At one point, Indians were the only people in the world who were fatter than Americans.
Me: Weird. You'd think all the Ganges dysentery would keep them skinny.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
We have two daughters; one's a toddler and the little one is just a few months old. We're making dinner.
Hubs: Can you believe that one day we're going to have to make four of everything? That's going to get expensive.
Me: I know. It's crazy.
Hubs: I'm sure one of them will have an eating disorder, though, so that will help.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Hubs is fixing our patio table and has a wrench and socket set out. EB (age 2.5) sees it and starts inspecting all the pieces, asking to help. After a minute...
EB: I love your tool. It's beautiful.
Me: Just what every man wants to hear.
EB: It's so big.
Hubs: She better not say that again til she's thirty.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I was telling Hubs about an episode of some Housewives show I watched where one typically vapid housewife was celebrating her fortieth birthday. She said her husband (a car salesman) was more successful when he had more sex, and thus they did it at least once a day. She said she didn't mind putting out so frequently because she liked the money. On this birthday episode, he bought her a $40k Rolex.
Me: So she basically admitted that she's whoring herself out to her husband for a Rolex.
Hubs: I'll buy you a Timex. What will that get me?
Me: I'll lick your knee.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Hubs has just asked about a basket of laundry and I've told him it's clean. A few minutes later I find EB's dirty clothes in the basket.
Me: Did you do this or did she?
Hubs: I love how if she did it it's okay but if I did it I'm in trouble.
Me: Try pooping in your pants and see what happens.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Me: No, not "whatever". You're getting one.
Hubs: We all gotta die from something.
Me: Do you want to die a slow, agonizing death from undetected colon cancer?
Hubs: I have video games. I'll be entertained on my death bed.
Me: I don't even like putting up with you when you're pissed off about being hungry.
Hubs: So you're sure as shit not going to put up with me when I'm dying.
Me: Not a chance in hell.
Hubs: You need to work with her on saying "purse". She keeps saying, "my pursey," but it doesn't sound like "my pursey". I'm going to go cut my ears off.
Me: I don't have my rings on. I'm single.
Hubs: So, when we did it last night. . ?
Me: Ohmigod! I was the other woman!
Friday, June 14, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
We're half-assedly trying to potty train EB. She sat (fully clothed) on the potty tonight and said she pooped, so we gave her a sticker.
EB: Daddy, you get a sticker too?
Hubs: No. I don't get a sticker because I didn't poop on the potty. I'll get one at nine a.m. tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
We were at Target when I was approaching my due date with our first child. We were in the pajama/lingerie section and Hubs picked up a three pack of Christmas thongs.
Hubs: Here. You need these.
Me: Have you seen the size of my ass lately?
Hubs: That's why it's a three pack.
We're at a Mongolian grill where you create your own dishes to be grilled. Hubs has made Cajun fajitas that are really good.
My mom: How did you think to put that together?
Hubs: There was a sign on the wall with different flavor combinations.
Mom: I never would've thought to make something with a Cajun slant. You think Mongolian grill and you think Asian slant.
Me: Really, Mom? Asian slant?
Hubs: Why has there been a bag of shoes hanging on the garage door for a week?
Me: Those are my garage shoes. I keep meaning to put them back out there.
Hubs: You know the garage is just a foot farther away, right?
Me: Less than that. The door is only a couple inches thick.
[Hubs looks at me in amazement]
Me: It takes skill to reach this level of laziness.
Hubs: How did you not just put them in the garage? Didn't it take more effort to put them in a bag than it would've taken to throw them out the door?
Me: They're in a bag because I had to bring them down from upstairs and my hands were full. They were still full when I got down here, so I just hung the bag on the door.
Hubs: And it's still there.
Me: Hey. It's not my fault that I was the best of your options.
Me: Did you know that Mormons believe there are multiple levels of heaven and there are certain ones you can only get to if you have kids?
Hubs: Your own kids? What if you adopt?
Me: No, I had an intern who was Mormon and she'd had a hysterectomy and she said she was out of luck.
Hubs: That's stupid.
Me: Yeah, but you can't say that to them. You can't tell someone their religion is stupid.
Me: What's weird is that they believe God is responsible for everything, right? And I want to ask them: if God makes you infertile, is it because he doesn't want you to reach the higher levels of heaven?
Hubs: Guess so. But can you ask that?
Me: Oh, yeah, sure. You can't suggest that someone's religion is stupid, but it's totally okay to suggest that their God hates them.
This post is delayed because we've been busy (new baby is five weeks old), so I can't remember the details. I'll paraphrase.
Hubs mumbles something as I'm pulling a shirt over my head.
Hubs: You don't listen to me.
Me: I listen; I just didn't hear you. What did you say?
Hubs: [this is the part I can't remember, so insert something stupid and mildly offensive]
Me: Shut up.
... Pause ...
Me: So I don't listen, and when I do, I tell you to shut up. So really, it's better for your self esteem if I just don't listen in the first place. I'm doing you a favor.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
I'm ridiculously pregnant (due in two weeks) and I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to tie up loose ends and prepare for this baby. As a result, I'm overdoing it. This conversation occurred as we were making the guest bed tonight (just one of the dozen loads of laundry I've done in the past week).
Hubs: You need to stop. Tomorrow, just sit down and rest. There's nothing else that has to be done.
Me: I just need to vacuum and mop downstairs and do one more load of laundry. And make pancakes to freeze.
Hubs: You're not spending five hours making pancakes. Once the baby is here, you won't be able to rest. You need to rest now. If you want pancakes, I'll buy you pancakes.
Me: I'm not eating shitty pancakes.
Hubs: This isn't a farm. You don't have to do everything yourself.
Later, I make one final trip downstairs to grab a couple things and remember there's a load of laundry in the dryer. In trying to wrangle the basket and my giant belly through the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, I drop stuff. Hubs hears me and comes to the rescue; we meet halfway up the stairs and he takes the basket from my hands.
Hubs: [sighs] Be sure to milk the cows in the morning.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Hubs: I got a notice today that my life insurance policy went up to (amount).
Me: Ooh! I didn't know it was that high.
Hubs: Um, yeah... Did I say (amount)? I meant six hundred dollars.
Me: Well, it's six hundred bucks I don't have now.
Hubs: Remind me to google "how to check brake lines".
Me: Just look up my search history. You can follow the directions in reverse, right?
Sunday, February 10, 2013
We're at Ikea and I'm trying to choose a lamp shade.
Me: That whole room is grey and black, so it might be safest to go with the black and white shade. Or that grey one over there. On the other hand, the flowered one would bring a big splash of color, which might be nice. What do you think?
Hubs: I don't know. I left my vagina at home.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Via text today:
Me: Don't forget to keep up with the lotion today. Don't let your hands dry out.
Hubs: It puts the lotion in the basket.