Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Free to Good Home

EB (age 3) is having a bad day.
Me: Can we just put her out on the curb?
Hubs: We'd have to put a sign on her, but with lies. Like when you try to give away a cat and you're like, "What? This cat? No, he never pukes."

Saturday, December 28, 2013

You Did This To Me

Hubs has asked me to plug in the GPS, and is waiting while I fumble around in the back seat.

Hubs:  Is it in yet?  Hey. . . I've asked that before.
Me:  Really?  Um, thanks, dear.
Hubs:  Oh, wait.  That was a slam on you wasn't it?
Me:  You know I've had two kids.  Geez.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Sketchy Santa

We're watching the original stop-motion Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  It's the scene where Santa is still a young man and makes his first trip to deliver toys.  He's singing to the kids to sit on his lap and give him a kiss and he'll give them toys.  It's unsettling.

Santa: "When you sit on my lap today, a kiss a toy is the price you'll pay."
Me: Have you ever noticed how creepy this is?
Hubs: Is it?  I'm not paying attention. 
Me: Yeah. But it's like a-van-with-no-windows creepy. Like, hide-your-kids creepy.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Your Time Will Come

We're eating dinner when our 8-month-old starts pooping.
Hubs: I wish I could just take a dump in the middle of dinner.
Me: In about forty more years, you can.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Idler Wheel Is Wiser. . .

EB (our toddler): Can we watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?  Had a very shiny nose? And if you ever saw it? You woodeebasayih glows?
Hubs: Oh. Is that the name of the movie?
Me: Yes. It's the Fiona Apple version.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

That Was Then. . .

I'm sitting on the couch, crocheting a gigantic afghan.

Hubs: What is that?
Me: It's an afghan I started a few years ago. 
Hubs: Who's it for?
Me: It's for you. For your office.
Hubs: Hmm. Thanks.

A few minutes later, we get into a discussion about how long it takes to crochet a single row. Hubs takes in the enormity of the project and realizes just how much time will go into completing it.

Hubs: Wow. You must really love me.
Me: Well, like I said, I started it a few years ago.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Not the Same Thing

Our little one is eight months old, and is terribly fond of abusing her father's giant cranium.  Hubs walks up to us, bending over and ducking his head so she can reach it.

Hubs: Go ahead. I know you want to hit it.
Me: That's what Mommy says when she bends over for Daddy.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Push It

I'm inquiring about my parents' experience wedging a giant stroller into the back of my car. 

My mom: Oh, you know your dad. He was trying to force it and getting all frustrated. I had to tell him how to get it in there.  [Pause.]  Story of my damn life.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Helping Out

Me: Can you watch the girls for a minute while I finish this?
Hubs: Yeeeeeah. . . I'm not feeling it.
Me: Well, I'm not feeling your face.
Hubs: It's not my face you have to feel.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Captain Underpants

Me: I've noticed that more often than not, the garage door is unlocked when I get home.
Hubs: That's because I leave it unlocked.
Me: What? Since when?
Hubs: Since always.
Me: We've lived here a year and a half. How have I never noticed this?
Hubs: You also don't notice that I wear your underwear.
Me: You what?
Hubs: Huh? I didn't say anything.
[I start walking away.]
Hubs: [whispering] . . . on my head.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Lightning Deals

We do all of our holiday shopping on Amazon, and Hubs waits all year for their Black Friday --> Cyber Monday sales. He is particularly obsessed with the lightning deals, and maps out his day to be sure he's online when certain items go up for grabs. We slept in separate rooms last night because he set an alarm for 3 am to get a cheap GPS. Lightning deals are all I've heard about for the past three days.

Hubs: No matter what you ask me this weekend, the answer is going to be "lightning deal. "
Me: So if I ask whether you want to go do it. . .
Hubs: Lightning deal!
Me: Maybe I'll just put it in my cart and think about it. It expires after fifteen minutes right?
Hubs: I don’t need fifteen minutes.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Give an Inch (or Less)

We've lived in the same house for 18 months and Hubs has just recently begun misjudging when he pulls his car into the garage.

Me: You just cleared that by millimeters. Millimeters.
Hubs: Millimeters are all I need. You remember that later.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Cause and Effect

My grandfather lives in the middle of nowhere with my aunt. They frequently have stray cats (and thus litters of kittens) around. As felines are wont to do, the strays always find the warmest, coziest spots to hide and sleep. 

Gramps walks into my aunt's kitchen one morning and says, "My fan belt's off and you're missing a kitten."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Animal House

Our toddler is hobbling around the house with her pants around her ankles.

Hubs: Pull up your panties so we can go eat dinner.
Me: I bet you never thought you'd say that.
Hubs: Not since college, no.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Maybe Next Year

We're at Gold Star Chili, looking at the menu.

Hubs: I think I want a three-way.
Me: For your birthday?
Hubs's brother: I think that's birthday and Christmas.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Burn

Hubs: Why don't you go get me a coke?
Me: I'm too tired to come up with a biting remark so I'm just going to say no.
Hubs: It still stings.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Ooh That Smell, Part 4

We're at a college basketball game. There's one particular towel boy who runs out and mops the court, then sits back down with the towel around his neck. It's disgusting.

Me: That towel boy is back this year.
Hubs: Gross.
Me: I bet he sleeps with that thing.
Hubs: I bet it's never been washed.
Me: I bet he invites girls to his dorm room to smell it.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Boxers, Briefly

Hubs: I bought new boxers. You'll see them soon.
Me: In the laundry?
Hubs: Geez, you didn't even give me a chance to say something sexy.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Lost in Translation

I am a medical person. Hubs is a computer person. This makes for some very futile but funny conversations at our house.  

Hubs:  It all sounds the same. It all sounds like "the psychosomatic region of the Adirondack gall bladder area."

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Martha, Martha, Martha

My mom: Have you watched Martha Stewart's new show?
Me: No.
My mom: It's more like her old one. I haven't seen her do crafts yet; just cooking. Anyway, each show has a theme.  Like she makes sauces. Or yesterday it was about stocks.
Me: Like buying, selling, insider trading?
My mom: No [laughing].  Like -- she's -- wait, I'm going to get this! Like --
Me: Do you want to call me back?
My mom: Shut up, you shit.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Fall Back

Me: Hmm.  Just noticed I never reset my watch for daylight savings. I've only been wearing it for a week.
Hubs: We haven't changed any of the clocks in our house, either.
Me: Yes, we did. We changed the ones on our computers.
Hubs: And our phones.
Me: See? We're on top of things.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Put a Lid on It

We're trying on hats.

Me: Does this look stupid?
Hubs: No, but your face does.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Babysitter in a Bottle

Twice in the past week, someone has accidentally (?) suggested I drug my kid.

Me: I'm trying to figure out how to rig the final part of EB's Halloween costume.
Cousin: Just get some of that PCP pipe.
Me: PVC pipe?

Mother-in-law: I bought her a Monster sticker book for Halloween. 
Me: Oh, she'll love that.
MIL: Well, it's not really stickers. It's more like chloroforms.
Me: Colorforms?

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Aim Small

We have these cool integrated toilet seats that EB can switch out to get a smaller diameter so she doesn't fall in.

My mom: We got one of the toilet seats like you guys have, but she won't use it. Insists on using the old one. [Sighs]
Hubs: I want to get one with a smaller hole and use it for target practice.
My mom: Like, for you?
Hubs: Yeah.
My mom: So you'd need a really small diameter.
Hubs: I walked right into that one, didn't I?

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Usual Suspects

Two important things:
1. EB's newest racket is to beg out of stuff by telling us she's afraid (she's almost three). 
2. Even though it's November 5, we're still using our Halloween tablecloth.

Hubs:  We have to sit down while we eat, sweetie.
EB:  I can't sit down.  I'm afraid.
Me:  What are you afraid of?
EB [staring at the table]: I'm afraid of the bat.
Me:  You just pulled that off the tablecloth, Keyser Soze.  Try again.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Spit or Swallow

EB (almost three years old) has developed a nasty habit of storing chewed food in her cheeks instead of swallowing it, and then eventually asking to spit it out.

Hubs: Okay, sweetie. Just swallow that one last bite and you can go play.
[EB is looking at him skeptically.]
My mom: She's trying to figure out whether it's worth it to swallow.
Me: Aren't we all?

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Friday the PG-13th

My mom: We were going to go camping this weekend, but we found out there are going to be a hundred and fifty Cub Scouts at the campground.
Hubs: You know Jason's going to show up and f**k some s**t up.
Me: No he won't. They're Cub Scouts. They won't be having sex.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Winter Is [Ahem] Coming. . .

Hubs and I are huge fans of Game of Thrones.  He comes up to me to show me something on his phone.

Hubs: I'm a nerd so I get updates from this website, but look -- they just came out with a Danaerys bust.
Me: With no boobs? What's the point?
Hubs: I know! I got two hands.
Me: Well, just one, really, if you're, you know. . .
Hubs: This is why I love you.

iThrone

I get home from work and find that Hubs is in the bathroom. While waiting for him, I decide to check Facebook.

Pocket Pool

EB (almost 3 years old) is playing with a ball when it rolls under the TV cabinet.
EB: That ball is stuck. But Daddy will get it.
My mom: Is Daddy the ball retriever?
Me: Daddy's the ball handler.
My mom: So he handles his own balls?

U shd reed moar

Hubs: I used to read. I was smarter when I read and the things that came out of my mouth actually made sense.
Me: Wow. That's a side of you I've never seen. I wouldn't know what to do with you.
Hubs: Well, you could start by. . . [can't think fast enough and starts chuckling]
Me: There are, like, eight ways I could end that sentence and they all involve --
Hubs: Deez nuts.
Me: Yes.  [sigh]

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Junk in the Trunk

Me: Gah! I keep having to pull up my stupid underwear because they keep sliding down.
Hubs: Isn't that a good thing? If they're loose and falling off it means they're too big, right?
Me: No. They're too small. There's only enough fabric there to cover half my ass, which is the bottom half.  I have too much mass in my ass.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Ooh That Smell, Part Tres

Venus Vs Mars

I'm kneeling in the floor.  Hubs walks up behind me and straddles my back.

Me:  Oh jesus.
Hubs:  Hmm. . . I didn't hear a "no".

Rice and Beans

Hubs: That Mexican restaurant is up here that we're supposed to check out.
Me: Yeah, I've heard it's really good.
Hubs: What's it called again? El Guapo?
Me: Coba Cocina. But you were close.

Ooh That Smell, Part Deux

We're making our way upstairs to go to bed and this happens as we're passing through the foyer.
Hubs: What's that smell? Is that potpourri? Is something burning?
Me: Yeah, I noticed that burning smell earlier when I was upstairs.  Oh. . . I guess I should've investigated that.
Hubs: Upstairs.  Where the girls are.
Me: Yes. Upstairs where our daughters have been sleeping peacefully for the past two hours after I noticed the burning smell.
Hubs: Oh jesus.

Ooh That Smell

Hubs: Oh my god it smells like someone took a shit. Was it you?
Me: No. I promise I'm not sitting on a load.
Hubs: Are you sure? You look taller.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Thrill Is Gone

It's our anniversary.

Me: We could start the day off right with some shower sex.
Hubs: Nah, I'm busy.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Observations

Okay, so this isn't an exchange.  But I thought it was worth sharing.


Is anyone else thinking that this guy should've gone into preventive medicine?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Bad Juju

We've had a very bad streak of things breaking around our house.

My mom:  What all has broken on you?
Hubs:  The toaster, the microwave, the vacuum cleaner, my car battery, the touchpad, the TV, the toilet, our router, and my grill cover.  Oh, and there's a mouse living in our grill.
My mom:  Have you all considered going to church?

Monday, October 7, 2013

Magnetic South

Hubs has just taken off his pants and is rearranging himself. He notices me rolling my eyes.

Hubs: You don't understand. My nut was stuck. Sometimes you just have to move them.
Me: We need to implant tiny magnets in them and get a magnetic stick so you can move them around less conspicuously. Like those Wooly Willie magnet shard things when we were kids.
Hubs: That might actually work.
Me: I'm on to something here. Magnet nuts.

Hubs disappears into our closet and comes back a couple minutes later, chuckling.

Hubs: You said "magnet nuts".

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Pizza Pizza

Me: I don't even like the smell of pepperoni.
Hubs: Well, you're just dumb.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Rain Check Yo'self

A text conversation with a guy who's not my husband, regarding lunch plans we made.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Wreckage

My boss makes us all watch the Miley Cyrus "Wrecking Ball" video (not the whole thing, just enough that we can share in his horror).

Boss: She got what she was going for; she had something like eighty million views in just a couple days.
Me: I know. But if you thought the whole world was going to see you naked, wouldn't you have spray tanned your titties?

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Braaaaains

We're at home at night and Hubs disappears. I can't find him anywhere. Finally he shows up from outside.

Me: I was actually starting to worry about you.
Hubs, mimicking me: "Did a zombie get him? What happened? Please leave a body, please leave a body."
Me: Ooh, I hadn't thought about that. How long does it take for them to declare you dead so I can get the insurance payout?

Racist Pumpkins

I convinced Hubs to buy a ginormous white pumpkin the other night. It literally needed its own grocery cart and it may be the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I was showing pictures of it to my boss, who's a smartass.

Boss: Is that a white pumpkin?
Me: Yes. Isn't it awesome?
Boss: What are you, racist?
Me: Yes. I'm going to go home and decorate it with blackface.

Size Matters

Me: Why didn't you park there?
Hubs: I didn't think I could fit in that spot, but once I got closer I realized it was bigger than I thought it was.
Me: I hope that's not what he said.
Hubs: Like landing an airplane in a hangar.
Me: Throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

Savage Zit

Me: I have a massive zit right at the opening of my nostril.
Hubs: Those hurt like a bitch.

He notices that the radio has switched to a Savage Garden song, cringes, and changes the channel.

Me (still inspecting my nose): I'm so pissed about this stupid thing.
Hubs: You better stop; you're turning me on.
Me: I know. Between the zit talk and the Savage Garden, you don't stand a chance.

Vapor Lock

We're at my parents' house and my mom is flipping through random jpeg files on her laptop, many of which are ecards.

My mom: Do you know why men snore when they lie on their backs?
Hubs: No.
My mom: Because their balls cover their butthole, creating a vapor lock.
Me: Do you know how many reasons I have to castrate you now?

Friday, September 27, 2013

TWSS #1

Hubs is sitting on the floor trying to fix a broken computer and the cat keeps rubbing on the wireless keyboard, pushing buttons.

Hubs: Quit rubbing on it!
Me: That's what she said.
Hubs: You'll make it go off!

Selective Hearing

Me:  Did you know we can sign up for Costco before they open next month?  They're taking new members at that hotel by my parents' house.
Hubs:  I told you that two weeks ago.
Me:  You did?
Hubs:  Yes.  I told you we could beat the crowds, so we should do it.
Me:  I probably heard "do it" and just tuned you out.
Hubs:  Oh.  I can't blame you.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

NFL(ibido)

Hubs and I are discussing football (on rare occasions I do actually participate). He is a rabid Bengals fan.

Hubs: Pittsburgh is about to piss this one away.
Me: That's good. And we beat the Packers today, too. That was a big win.
Hubs: Yes, it was.
Me: And we never play them, right?
Hubs: Every four years or so.
Me: Like Dallas.
Hubs: Yes.
Me: See me talking football? And getting it right?
Hubs: Be careful. You keep this up and we'll have a third kid.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Adventures at the DMV

Actual texts I sent to a friend while at the DMV yesterday.  It was crowded and 85 degrees in there (no joke -- I spotted a thermostat).  After a scant 20 minutes in line, I was just one person away from the service counter when they announced that the computers were down.  I think it's understandable that I was a bit grouchy.




Not That Kind of Excited

We have just discovered the existence of caffeine free Coke Zero, which I've been wishing for for years.

Me: I'm so excited!
Hubs (wiggling his eyebrows suggestively): Excited, huh?
He cranes his neck to peer at my back side.
Me: Um, what are you looking for?
Hubs: Pheromones. Like, rising off of you in a cloud or something.
Me: From my ass?
Hubs: I don't know where they come from.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hannah McKay

Hubs says he has heartburn.  I dig through the medicine cabinet and hand him a pill.

Hubs:  What is this?
Me:  Zantac.  It got me through two pregnancies.
Hubs:  I just figured I should ask, Miss What's-Your-Life-Insurance-Worth-This-Week.  Just to be on the safe side.
Me:  The only way you can ever truly be safe is to cancel the policy.

Monday, September 16, 2013

This One's a Throwback, Part Deux

This conversation occurred a few months after our first daughter was born, and we had just watched a documentary about all the harmful toxins in plastic.

My Mom: Did you microwave stuff in plastic when you were pregnant with her?
Me: Not often.
My Mom: Those studies showed that when boys were exposed to BPA in utero, it decreased their testosterone levels and they had smaller genitals.
Me: I guess that explains why we can't find her penis.

Good To Know

My Patient: Did you see the episode of Myth Busters about Breaking Bad?
Me: No. . .
My Patient: Well, apparently there was an episode where they were trying to dispose of a body by putting it in a bathtub full of acid to dissolve it.  In the episode, the acid ate through the tub and the floor and the bathtub came crashing through the first floor ceiling.
Me: I imagine that made quite a mess.
My Patient: It did. But the Myth Busters proved that the combination of acids you'd need (which they wouldn't disclose on TV, of course) wouldn't actually eat through a fiberglass tub.  So you can dissolve a body in a bathtub full of acid.
Me: Well, my weekend plans just changed.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Kirkland, My Kirkland

Costco has finally come to town, but is still a month away from opening. I'm absolutely beside myself and as a result I'm standing in the kitchen, making up a song about Costco.

Me: Costco is coming to town. . .
Hubs raises an eyebrow.
Me: I am so excited. . .
Hubs looks annoyed.
Me: We can buy organic vegetables. . .
Hubs sighs.
Me: And twelve pounds of chicken. . .
Hubs: Don't stop now.
Me: I'm not a circus pony. I don't perform on command.
Hubs: Then why did I buy you?

Monday, September 2, 2013

Fava Beans

Our youngest daughter (MB, age 5 months) has just been bitten by EB (2.5 years). Now EB is crying about something unrelated.

Me: She's not going to get a lot of sympathy from me. I'm still upset with her.
Hubs: Well, she just Hannibal Lecter'ed her sister, so. . .

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Slave to the Traffic Light

Me: Geez, this red light is really long.
Hubs: The last one was long, too.
Me: Well, I didn't notice the last one because I was talking.
Hubs: You don't notice a lot of things when you're talking. How do you think we ended up with two kids?

Love Me, Love My ESPN

Hubs: Why do you hate me?
Me: I don't hate you.
Hubs: If you hate my sports, you hate me.
Me: Oh. Then I hate you.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Green Tease

Hubs: Can I have one of those?
Me: I thought you didn't like this kind. They're green tea flavored.
Hubs: I don't know what they taste like.
Me: Well, they taste like green tea.
Hubs: Yeah, but what does that taste like?
Me: Like green tea. That you drink. Every day. Because you have a fridge full of it.
Hubs: Oh yeah. I like that stuff.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Anti Anti Social

Hubs is playing World of Warcraft.

Me: So are you playing against other people?
Hubs: No. The game is designed so you can join up and play with other people, but I don't do that.
Me: Why not?
Hubs: Because I don't like people.
Me: So you're antisocial even in virtual social situations? Is there a name for that?

Upgrades to Our GPS

We exit the interstate for a pit stop.
GPS: Recalculating.  Take ramp straight ahead. Recalculating. In point two miles turn left. Recalculating. Please drive to highlighted route.
Hubs: Shut up!
Me: There should be a "Hang on, I have to piss" button.
Hubs: Or options.  Pee is five minutes. Take a dump, fifteen minutes.  Lunch, an hour. Road head...
Me: You don't pull over for road head. That's the point of road head.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Suck It Up

Hubs starts vacuuming and EB (age 2.5) flips out at the noise.

My mom: When did this start?
Me: Well, we only vacuum once every three months, so... sometime between then and now.

Assume the Position

Hubs: We just got charged for our next shipment of baby stuff from Amazon.  Man, 120 dollars a month on formula, another hundred on diapers... It's stupid.
My mom: Oh! I thought of you today... what was it..?
Hubs: Did you see someone grabbing his ankles?

Monday, August 19, 2013

It Doesn't Hurt Anymore

Me: You'll have to take my car.
Hubs: Why?
Me: Because it's in the middle of the driveway blocking you in.
Hubs: Why?
Me: Because I took the carseats out yesterday and they're in the garage; there wasn't room for me to pull in.
Hubs: Why didn't you put them back in last night?
Me: Because I got home at 1:30 in the morning.
Hubs: So? You could've done it.
Me: You realize your next question is going to be, "Why is my nose bleeding?" or maybe, "Why do my nuts hurt?"
Hubs: They're numb by now.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

McAloo Burger

Me: I find it odd that McDonald's is apparently thriving in India.
Hubs: Why?
Me: It's a company founded on beef.
Hubs: I'm sure they have a regional menu.
Me: It says here that there's a McAloo potato burger.
Hubs: They're all crazy,  bathing in that river where they burn dead bodies.
Me: And bathe their animals.
Hubs: At one point, Indians were the only people in the world who were fatter than Americans.
Me: Weird. You'd think all the Ganges dysentery would keep them skinny.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Poke

EB is finished eating and is playing with her food.

Me:  Sweetie, don't poke the pancake, please.
Hubs:  I've heard that before.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

High Hopes

We have two daughters; one's a toddler and the little one is just a few months old.  We're making dinner.

Hubs:  Can you believe that one day we're going to have to make four of everything?  That's going to get expensive.
Me:  I know. It's crazy.
Hubs:  I'm sure one of them will have an eating disorder,  though, so that will help.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

What a Tool

Hubs is fixing our patio table and has a wrench and socket set out.  EB (age 2.5) sees it and starts inspecting all the pieces, asking to help.  After a minute...

EB:  I love your tool. It's beautiful.
Me:  Just what every man wants to hear.
EB:  It's so big.
Hubs:  She better not say that again til she's thirty.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Real Housewives

I was telling Hubs about an episode of some Housewives show I watched where one typically vapid housewife was celebrating her fortieth birthday.  She said her husband (a car salesman) was more successful when he had more sex, and thus they did it at least once a day.  She said she didn't mind putting out so frequently because she liked the money.  On this birthday episode, he bought her a $40k Rolex.

Me:  So she basically admitted that she's whoring herself out to her husband for a Rolex.
Hubs:  I'll buy you a Timex.  What will that get me?
Me:  I'll lick your knee.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Snip, Snip

We've decided Baby #2 has done us in.

Me:  I think I'm ready to start getting rid of baby stuff as she outgrows it.
Hubs:  Yeah, I'm not doing this again.   I snipped myself in the shower this morning.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Double Standard

Hubs has just asked about a basket of laundry and I've told him it's clean.  A few minutes later I find EB's dirty clothes in the basket.

Me:  Did you do this or did she?
Hubs:  I love how if she did it it's okay but if I did it I'm in trouble.
Me:  Try pooping in your pants and see what happens.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Til Death Do Us. . . Nevermind.

Me:  I'm due for a colonoscopy in six years.  I'm already dreading it.  You're not due for another fourteen.
Hubs:  Whatever.
Me:  No, not "whatever".  You're getting one.
Hubs:  We all gotta die from something.
Me:  Do you want to die a slow, agonizing death from undetected colon cancer?
Hubs:  I have video games.  I'll be entertained on my death bed.
Me:  I don't even like putting up with you when you're pissed off about being hungry.
Hubs:  So you're sure as shit not going to put up with me when I'm dying.
Me:  Not a chance in hell.

Let's Just Go with "Handbag"

Hubs takes EB (age 2.5) to the car for an outing.  He pops his head back in the kitchen before they leave.

Hubs:  You need to work with her on saying "purse".  She keeps saying, "my pursey," but it doesn't sound like "my pursey".  I'm going to go cut my ears off.

Your Cheatin' Heart

I made hamburgers a couple nights ago and took off my wedding rings to keep them clean.  Any time I do this, I forget to put them on for several days and it looks like I'm single.

Me:  I don't have my rings on.  I'm single.
Hubs:  So, when we did it last night. . ?
Me:  Ohmigod!  I was the other woman!

Friday, June 14, 2013

He of Little Faith

Me:  I couldn't figure out what to get you for Father's Day.  I think you'll like your gift, but it's not anything spectacular.
Hubs:  I wasn't expecting it to be.
Me: Um. . . Thanks?

Thursday, June 6, 2013

What Can Brown Do for You?

UPS drops something at our door.  Hubs comes in carrying a rather substantial box.

Hubs:  You have a package.
Me (being coy):  So do you.
Hubs:  Well, which one do you want?
Me:  Mine's bigger.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Positive Reinforcement

We're half-assedly trying to potty train EB.  She sat (fully clothed) on the potty tonight and said she pooped, so we gave her a sticker.

EB:  Daddy, you get a sticker too?
Hubs: No.  I don't get a sticker because I didn't poop on the potty.  I'll get one at nine a.m. tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

It's Fun to Stay at the...

My parents had EB for the day and took her to the Y.

My dad: After we swam, she watched the boys play basketball.
My mom: She liked watching the boys.
Hubs: I don't like this.
My dad: Playing with their balls.
Hubs: I really don't like this.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Size Matters

EB (our toddler) finds a crumb on her dinner plate and holds it up to me.

EB: See, Mommy?
Me: Oh, yes.  It's tiny.
EB: It's not tiny.
Hubs (looking at me): That sounds like a conversation we've had.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

In Your Face

We're on our way to breakfast when we pass a restaurant that's basically a rip-off of Hooters.

Hubs: We could go to Show-Me's.
Me: I don't need a side of titties with my eggs.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Hopefully Not an Omen

We've finished up bath time and our toddler is running naked around Hubs's home office.

Hubs: And she found my wallet.  Great.
Me: Please, please, please let this be the only time in her life that she's naked while thumbing through a man's wallet.

This One's a Throwback

We were at Target when I was approaching my due date with our first child.  We were in the pajama/lingerie section and Hubs picked up a three pack of Christmas thongs.

Hubs: Here.  You need these.
Me: Have you seen the size of my ass lately?
Hubs: That's why it's a three pack.

Accidental Racism

We're at a Mongolian grill where you create your own dishes to be grilled.  Hubs has made Cajun fajitas that are really good.

My mom: How did you think to put that together?
Hubs: There was a sign on the wall with different flavor combinations.
Mom: I never would've thought to make something with a Cajun slant.  You think Mongolian grill and you think Asian slant.
Me: Really, Mom?  Asian slant?

Nuggets

We're eating fast food with my parents when EB (our almost-two-and-a-half-year-old) upends an empty cup over her chicken nuggets.

My dad: Did you hide your nuggets?
Me: Daddy likes to play "hide the nuggets".

You Can't Touch My Lazy

Hubs: Why has there been a bag of shoes hanging on the garage door for a week?
Me: Those are my garage shoes.  I keep meaning to put them back out there.
Hubs: You know the garage is just a foot farther away, right?
Me: Less than that.  The door is only a couple inches thick.
[Hubs looks at me in amazement]
Me: It takes skill to reach this level of laziness.
Hubs: How did you not just put them in the garage?  Didn't it take more effort to put them in a bag than it would've taken to throw them out the door?
Me: They're in a bag because I had to bring them down from upstairs and my hands were full.  They were still full when I got down here, so I just hung the bag on the door.
Hubs: And it's still there.
Me: Hey.  It's not my fault that I was the best of your options.

Don't Read This One If You're Mormon

Me: Did you know that Mormons believe there are multiple levels of heaven and there are certain ones you can only get to if you have kids?
Hubs: Your own kids?  What if you adopt?
Me: No, I had an intern who was Mormon and she'd had a hysterectomy and she said she was out of luck.
Hubs: That's stupid.
Me: Yeah, but you can't say that to them.  You can't tell someone their religion is stupid.
Hubs: Hmph.
Me: What's weird is that they believe God is responsible for everything, right?  And I want to ask them: if God makes you infertile, is it because he doesn't want you to reach the higher levels of heaven?
Hubs: Guess so. But can you ask that?
Me: Oh, yeah, sure.  You can't suggest that someone's religion is stupid, but it's totally okay to suggest that their God hates them.

It's Best This Way

This post is delayed because we've been busy (new baby is five weeks old), so I can't remember the details.  I'll paraphrase.

Hubs mumbles something as I'm pulling a shirt over my head.
Me: What?
Hubs: You don't listen to me.
Me: I listen; I just didn't hear you.  What did you say?
Hubs: [this is the part I can't remember, so insert something stupid and mildly offensive]
Me: Shut up.
... Pause ...
Me: So I don't listen, and when I do, I tell you to shut up.  So really, it's better for your self esteem if I just don't listen in the first place.  I'm doing you a favor.

Friday, May 3, 2013

No, Actually, I'm Taming a Wild Squirrel

I'm standing at the stove with an open carton of eggs, watching butter melt in a frying pan.

Hubs: Oh, are you making eggs?
Me: ...

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Oscar Mayer

We phoned it in on dinner tonight.  Hubs warmed up hot dogs.

Hubs:  How many wieners do you want? 
Me:  Just one.  It's kind of what I signed on for in marrying you, right?  Just one wiener for the rest of my life?
Hubs:  And don't you forget it.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Can't Stop Myself

I'm ridiculously pregnant (due in two weeks) and I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to tie up loose ends and prepare for this baby. As a result, I'm overdoing it.  This conversation occurred as we were making the guest bed tonight (just one of the dozen loads of laundry I've done in the past week).

Hubs: You need to stop.  Tomorrow, just sit down and rest.  There's nothing else that has to be done.
Me:  I just need to vacuum and mop downstairs and do one more load of laundry. And make pancakes to freeze.
Hubs:  You're not spending five hours making pancakes.  Once the baby is here, you won't be able to rest.  You need to rest now.  If you want pancakes, I'll buy you pancakes.
Me:  I'm not eating shitty pancakes.
Hubs:  This isn't a farm.  You don't have to do everything yourself.

Later, I make one final trip downstairs to grab a couple things and remember there's a load of laundry in the dryer.  In trying to wrangle the basket and my giant belly through the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, I drop stuff.  Hubs hears me and comes to the rescue; we meet halfway up the stairs and he takes the basket from my hands.

Hubs:  [sighs]  Be sure to milk the cows in the morning.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Life Insurance

Hubs:  I got a notice today that my life insurance policy went up to (amount).
Me:  Ooh!  I didn't know it was that high.
Hubs:  Um, yeah... Did I say (amount)?  I meant six hundred dollars.
Me:  Well, it's six hundred bucks I don't have now.
Hubs:  Remind me to google "how to check brake lines".
Me:  Just look up my search history.  You can follow the directions in reverse, right?

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Interior Design

We're at Ikea and I'm trying to choose a lamp shade.

Me:  That whole room is grey and black, so it might be safest to go with the black and white shade.  Or that grey one over there.  On the other hand, the flowered one would bring a big splash of color, which might be nice.  What do you think?
Hubs:  I don't know.  I left my vagina at home.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Lotion

It's winter and our house is dry.  I convinced Hubs several years ago to do deep moisturizing treatments on his hands to keep them from cracking.  Last night was our first treatment of the season.

Via text today:
Me:  Don't forget to keep up with the lotion today.  Don't let your hands dry out.
Hubs:  It puts the lotion in the basket.
Me:  Divorce.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Meatloaf

Me:  I just took a little less than three pounds of ground beef and turned it into a little more than six pounds of meatloaf.
Hubs:  Good job.
Me:  There are 1950s housewives who didn't do that well.
Hubs: Jesus didn't do that well.