Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Millions of Peaches. Peaches for Me.

I'm living vicariously through a friend who just moved to NYC. Her stories are delicious.

Monday, June 27, 2016


We're watching the UEFA Euro 2016 (soccer) tournament. 

Hubs: They put trackers on their jerseys now. That dude who just came off the field has run ten kilometers so far. [his expression is incredulous]
Me: What is that? Like, six miles?
Hubs: I don't know. Just ten kilometers.
Me: If you wanna impress me, talk American.
Hubs: You're the reason Trump is going to get elected.

[For the record, 10 km is 6.214 mi. Bam, bitches.]

Thursday, June 23, 2016

It Puts the Lotion on the Towel

Hubs has just gotten out of the shower in the morning and is putting lotion on his face when I stop to kiss him goodbye.

Me: Ew! There's lotion on your lips.
Hubs: Oh, sorry. Here. [hands me his bath towel and I wipe my mouth off]
Me: Wait. Was that the face end or the butt end?
Hubs: It's all butt end.
Me: Did you just call yourself a buttface?
Hubs: [considers] I suppose I did.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Spreading the Love

I hate it when I hiccup and burp at the same time. At our house we refer to that as a "hurp".

Me: [hurping noisily] I have the hurps.
Hubs: You have herpes?
Me: Yes, herpes.
Hubs: You know, that's the kind of thing you should share with your partner.
Me: I already have...

Wednesday, June 15, 2016


My mom was recently having some medical stuff done and was attached to an IV pole that ran on electricity with a battery backup. 

My mom: I'm going to get up for a minute. Can you unplug that? 
Me: Sure. [unplugging the cord] Oh my god. I just pulled the plug on my mom. 
My dad: It's good practice for later.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Nice Save

Me: Why don't you shut up?
Hubs: Well, why don't you. . . keep telling me what to do because I love it.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Reputation Management

We're at my parents' celebrating Memorial Day and Hubs and my dad have left to make a run to Liquor Barn. In the meantime, I've broken into the appetizers. 

My mom: Did you leave the cheeseball out for the guys?
Me: Yeah. Well, it wasn't so much "leaving it out for them" as it was "not bothering to put it away". But thanks for spinning it.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Sleepy Grumpy Happy Dopey Sneezy Bashful and Doc

I just got home from work and picking up our daughters from school. They both start singing the "Heigh-Ho" song from Snow White. 

Hubs: [turning to me] Speaking of "Hi, Ho", how was your day?

Wednesday, June 1, 2016


My mom: Do you all ever age your beef?
Hubs: What?
My mom: You know, people buy steaks and leave them in the fridge for, like, a week or something.
Me: Oh. Not intentionally, but yes.
Hubs: So that's a thing?
My mom: Yeah.
Me: So we've been doing something artisan this whole time? Man. We age all kinds of things. 
My dad: Turkey, cheese, vegetables. . . 
Me: I found green bacon last week.