Monday, November 13, 2017

Children of the Corn

We're about to take my daughters and my niece through a corn maze.

My dad: What happens if we lose one of them?
Me: We pay less for dinner.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Not His Place

Hubs and I are on a road trip and stop at a travel center. I didn't realize it was arranged in a circle and didn't pay attention to where we were wandering and was confused when the exit wasn't where I thought it should be. That's where Hubs comes in handy.

Me: I would've walked around that loop for an hour.
Hubs: Wow. You have amazing book smarts.
Me: If by "book smarts" you mean "ass"...
Hubs: Who am I to argue?
_______________________________

We get back in the car and I spot a bag of McDonald's trash in my floorboard.

Me: Dammit! Why didn't I throw that away just now? Dumbass.
Hubs: Who am I to argue?

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Monday, November 6, 2017

Anti-Anti-Vaxx

There were vaccines going around our chat group recently.



Friday, November 3, 2017

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Time Flies When You're... Nevermind

My best friend recently reevaluated her life, quit her god-awful job, and is starting her own business. We were discussing her path.

Jen: So I'm still at work, writing this report, and it's Friday night and I'm pissed at being there -- well, I guess it was actually Friday evening, not Friday night-- and I'm sitting there hating my job -- okay, so it may have been, like, 5:02 -- but still...

Monday, October 30, 2017

Full Mental Jacket

Hubs: I reserve the right to bitch.
Me: I reserve the right to tell you to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Hubs: Well then, it's WAR NOW.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Burnin' Burnin' Love

I've just said something atrocious about our daughter.

Hubs: You're going to hell. But at least I know we'll be together for eternity. Wait... maybe that is our hell.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Put the Needle on the...

Our 6yo daughter had some issues with her earrings a couple months ago. Namely that I wasn't paying attention and allowed her lobe to grow over the earring back and I had to get my boss to surgically remove it.

My mom: When can she get her ears pierced again?
Me: Around her birthday. Im taking her to a tattoo place this time to do it right.
Hubs: You're taking my six-year-old to a tattoo parlor?
Me: No. She'll be seven.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lock up Your Daughters

I love people who have a realistic view of their own children.



Friday, October 20, 2017

Sexual Currency

Hubs and I met on eHarmony (as our 4yo would say, "Don't judge me") in 2006. I had no idea that he had saved the entirety of our electronic communication -- until he printed it all out and gave it to me for our tenth wedding anniversary last week. I know this blog sometimes makes him sound like a horrible person but by golly, the man is amazing. Once I stopped crying, I texted my mom.




Wednesday, October 18, 2017

By the Balls

We had a little power blip in the neighborhood the other day.




Monday, October 16, 2017

Friday, October 13, 2017

Yertle

We're in the car when a Wilson Phillips song comes on. I immediately crank it up and start singing along.

Hubs: I can feel my penis shrinking. It's like a scared turtle right now.






Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Bullseye

I'm handing my paycheck to Target when the cashier notices that my mascara is about to be thrown in a bag of bulky winter boots and a cart full of other stuff I didn't intend to buy. My kids have been all over the place, the trip has already taken three times longer than anticipated, and my 6yo is starting to cry because her sister picked out the wrong kind of candy corn.

Cashier: Do you want to put the mascara in your purse?
Me: Oh. Um. I guess... Sure. [pause] And thank you for thinking I have standards.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Keen on Keeneland

Horse racing is more than a tradition in Kentucky; it's a religion. It's also very popular among college kids, who seem to be able to ruin anything. My friend Sam had a lot of complaints about her recent visit to the track.





Friday, October 6, 2017

Two Snaps Up

Hubs and I are watching one of those stupid monster-hunting shows. There are people claiming that they encountered a creature like Big Foot but with wings. 

Hubs: I'm willing to believe that there could be some type of Big Foot something living in the woods, but not one with wings. I mean, they're saying it's a sasquatch and a dragon? Seriously? Someone would've seen that before.
Me: Agreed. No way.
Hubs: What would you even call that?
Me: Dragonsquatch.
Hubs: That makes sense.
Me: Yeah, but one day you'd encounter one and of course it would be, like, the drag queen version and you'd say, "Hey, are you a dragonsquatch?" and she'd say, "No, bitch. I'm a sassdragon."

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Stupid is as Stupid Does, Part Tres

Me: It's just stupid.
6yo: Mommy. You just said a word we're not allowed to say.
Me: What, stupid?
6yo: Yes.
Me: Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.
6yo [stunned]: She said it again.
Hubs: That's because Mommy's stupid.

Monday, October 2, 2017

We All Float Down Here

Hubs recently went out of town, but we're able to monitor our security system from anywhere.






Friday, September 29, 2017

There's No Escaping

Hubs hates traveling. I'm starting to think it might have something to do with me.

 _____________________________________

 _____________________________________

 ______________________________________

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Boss: Want a free TV?
Me: Are you serious? I can't tell what face you're making because I took my glasses off. Are you smiling?
Boss: Of course I'm smiling. I always smile at you. It's like looking at a monkey. Everyone smiles when they see a monkey.

Friday, September 22, 2017

An Ounce of Prevention

I recently had a doctor's appointment.

Me: They put me on cholesterol medication. I'm old and fat.
Hubs: Why do you do this to yourself?
Me: Do what?
Hubs: You go to the doctor and they tell you everything that's wrong with you. That's why I don't go.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Breaking the Internet

Hubs: Mark Zuckerberg has been gearing up for a presidential run.
Me: What? Nobody's going to elect the Facebook guy. [pause] Oh wait. Trump.
Hubs: He's opened the door for anybody to run. Kim Kardashian could be president at this point.
Me: I'd vote for her ass, I guess.
Hubs: That would be the vice president.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Friday, September 8, 2017

Three-For

Just a couple random messages from my girls.







This person shall remain nameless.




I wish I could say I was responsible for this comment.



Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Fair Market Value

My dad recently came over to install some new lighting in my kitchen.




Monday, August 28, 2017

Doin' Da Butt

Just some fun with neighborhood friends. The poor girl in pink really had a hard time.




(in her defense, it turns out she doesn't have predictive text)

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Now I'm Only Falling Apart

Like a lot of Americans, Hubs and I watched the eclipse on August 21.

Hubs: What if we wake up blind tomorrow?
Me: Well, I wouldn't have to look at your mug anymore.
Hubs: True.
Me: But then I wouldn't be able to watch Game of Thrones.
Hubs: Pros and cons.


Monday, August 21, 2017

Shock Value

Our fridge died and I petitioned my neighbors for help. This is what I got.



Friday, August 18, 2017

Rap Snacks, Part Deux

If you missed the post about my rapper pun exchange with my friend Andrew, you might want to check it out first. Rap Snacks

We were shocked that another mutual friend never weighed in because of her lifelong love of all things hip hop. I remarked that I couldn't believe she'd missed the whole thing.



Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Unfamiliar Territory

This is a text from my best friend. What makes it even better is that she's a lesbian. So is her wife.



Monday, August 14, 2017

My Old Dothraki Home

Like a lot of people, I'm a rabid Game of Thrones fan.




So I got added to the group.





If you want to see the other 49 states, click here. Some of them are really funny.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Laverne and Shirley

We see a preview for some show featuring two apparently badass attorneys. It looks terrible. 

Hubs: Hey look; it's a remake of Turner and Hooch. 
Me: [laughing too hard to speak]
Hubs: I meant Starsky and Hutch. 
Me: [still dying] Turner and Hooch! 
________

Two hours later... 
Hubs: I meant Franklin and Bash.



For more of Hubs's word flubs, click here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here.


And for reference:




Wednesday, August 9, 2017

She's My Cherry Pie

Rainier cherries are my absolute favorite. They have a short season here in Kentucky and can be hard to find because they're shipped from Washington and Oregon.




Friday, August 4, 2017

The Boobs Abide

I may have a bit of an obsession with funky t-shirts.