Friday, July 21, 2017

Size Matters

I put on Hubs's garage sandals to help him unload the car.

Me: Look how much smaller my feet are than yours.
Hubs: [chuckles] Huh. Yeah.
Me: I guess that explains why my penis is also smaller than yours.
Hubs: But not by much.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Smack of Ham

Hubs recently went out of town and our daughter insisted that he take along one of her dolls.


Thursday, July 13, 2017

Where the Sun Don't Shine

My dad had a colonoscopy.

My mom: It was a different place than where he had his colonoscopies before.
My dad: No, it was still my ass.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Allusion Confusion

Hubs and I are dragging our daughters' bikes through a field.

Hubs: Do you want the smaller one?
Me: [Sighing] Yes, because I'm fat and lazy.
Hubs: Well, you're one of those things.
Me: Did you just call me fat?


Sunday, July 2, 2017

Poop, There It Is

Our four-year-old is great about peeing by herself, but always calls for help when her bathroom adventures expand beyond urination. Then we get this text from my dad while my parents are babysitting.



Friday, June 30, 2017

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

That's Amore

There's a tiny crescent moon.

Me: The moon looks like a fingernail.
Hubs: You know what else looks like a fingernail?
Me: Nope.
Hubs: Your face.
Me: Really?
Hubs: Dear, we've been together for so long that I'm running out. . .
Me: Of insults?
Hubs: Of things to say.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Moving Mountains (of Furniture)

Hubs and I are moving the 4yo into a bigger bedroom and hit a minor snag when we realize that her dresser won't be easy to get out; we assembled it inside the room several years ago.

He argues that we can just slide it out the door and around a corner (which he insists on trying despite my protests); I argue that we'll only get it out if we tip it on its side (which he says will make it too tall to fit through the doorway). Guess who was right.


We end up standing on opposite sides of the dresser while it completely blocks the doorway.

Me: Wow. Yeah, you were soooo right. That's definitely not going to fit.
Hubs: When I can see you again, I'm going to punch you in the face.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Touche

I'm out to dinner with Hubs, our daughters, and my parents. Our meals have just arrived at the table.
Hubs: Why do we have four slices of pizza for the girls?
Me: Sorry. I just wasn't thinking when I ordered and this is where it got us. It's fine; we can take home whatever they don't eat. And if they're hungry, they'll eat that much.
Hubs: You know, you can always go back and get more food if they eat it all. I could've gotten a salad for myself instead of a slice of pizza.
Me: You know, you can always go back and get more food.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Avoid the Noid

Hubs has a habit of relaying information to me -- work anecdotes, news updates, stories about our daughters -- and then a few minutes later saying, "Oh, and one more thing about. . ." The problem is that it's never just one more thing.

Me: What annoys me isn't that you're talking to me; it's the "one more thing" all the time.
Hubs: What annoys me is that you say that every time.
Me: What annoys me is that you make me say it.
Hubs: What annoys me is your face.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Arachnophobia

We're at my parents' cabin and I've just turned off the shower when I spot a wolf spider on my leg. I smack it with my towel, it disappears, and fearing that it might be clinging to a fold in the terry cloth, I drop the towel on the floor. I'm now standing wet and naked in the tub with no plan for escape.

Me: PAAAAUUUULLL! COME FIND THE SPIDER!
My dad: Is this some game you two play? Do I need to take the kids outside?

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Everything in Moderation

I recently attempted a three-day cleanse. I made it through breakfast on day two. Willpower isn't exactly my strong suit and, let's be honest, I love to eat. I fessed up to my dad when we were trying to make dinner plans.



Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Don of Dom

After a wee bit of champagne:

Me: I'm feeling chattier and zippier than I have in days.
Hubs: I have that effect on women. But it's more like they chat and then they zip. Away.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Show and Tell

Hubs: Come here. I have something to show you. [Pause] It rhymes with pass.
Me: I figured it would rhyme with pick.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I Want You to Want Me

We're going to Target for one specific purchase.

Hubs: I reserve the right to browse the electronics.
Me: Well, I reserve the right to browse anything I want.
Hubs: [points at himself] Like thissss?
Me: I said anything I want.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Cold Comfort

Hubs gets this fortune:


And says: "Ooh! I can't wait to meet Comfort."

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

I'm Fluent in Swedish

My parents kept in touch when they took a trip across  Scandinavia.



Friday, May 12, 2017

People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Beat Dead Horses

There is an old woman on our neighborhood Facebook page who uses the weirdest old school idioms and frequent malaphors. Most of them don't even make sense.


Exhibit A: 

Exhibit B: 


And this is my friend's take on the phenomenon:


Monday, May 8, 2017

Tricks up His Sleeve

Hubs and I take a divide-and-conquer approach to putting our two daughters to bed each night; he takes one, I take the other, and we trade out the next evening. When the girls find out it's their night with Daddy, they cheer. When they find out it's their Mommy night, I usually get an "Aw, man!" as they look longingly at Hubs. In no way does this hurt my feelings or make me want to scream at them about what they did to my vagina.

Preschooler: Do I have you tonight, Mommy?
Me: Yes.
Preschooler: Yay!
Me [to Hubs]: Did you hear that? I got a yay!
Hubs: I know! That's great!
Me: I still don't understand why they prefer you so much at bedtime.
Hubs: I keep bacon in my pocket.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

What Happens in Vegas, Part Deux

The weirdest things happen to Hubs. He once saw an elderly man in a gym locker room blowdrying his junk.



Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Rap Snacks

It's easy to stay up past your bedtime when you get in an epic rapper pun standoff with your friend's husband. Yes, that's a thing.













Friday, April 28, 2017

Weenus

I'm so glad I have daughters. One of my closest friends has 5yo and 8yo boys and her stories are fantastic.







Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Majestic Lake Splat, Part Deux

My parents just bought a new (faster) boat and we're all determined that I'm going to learn to ski this year.




For more about skiing, click here.

Friday, April 21, 2017

S**t Happens

When you have children you find yourself keeping tabs on things that you never thought you would, which means that when grandparents babysit, they're also keeping an eye out.



Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Upper Crust

Hubs: You're supposed to always have wine in the house.
Me: What?
Hubs: Wine. You're supposed to keep wine around.
Me: Oh, like classy people?
Hubs: Yeah.
Me: I think we make too many penis jokes to be considered classy.
Hubs: Sophisticated, then.
Me: Still not sure.
Hubs: But not uppity.
Me: Oh. I'm uppity. I just don't have the class to back it up.
Hubs: And you don't give a shit. That's the appeal.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Lost in Translation

It's our girls' bedtime.

Me: Can you do the bath while I put their laundry away?
Hubs: GAAAWWWD! NOOOO!
Me: So that's a yes?
Hubs: Yes.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Can You Hear Me Now?

Despite my repeated warnings (and pestering, nagging, hounding, harping, and bitching), Hubs continues to listen to his iPod while mowing the lawn, which is doing major damage to his ears.

Me: You know you're going to end up with a hearing loss.
Hubs: Maybe.
Me: And you know I'm not going to talk to you when that happens.
Hubs: Yes. You've told me.
Me: I mean it.
Hubs: I know. But have you considered that maybe that's my plan? And it's already set in motion?

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Bodily Harm

One of my friends (in purple) is obviously a safety-first kind of person. 


We recently had some terrible weather and a few tornadoes in town. I was chatting with my neighborhood ladies about it.

 
_______________________________

She works in a building that's still under construction and admitted that she and her coworkers have been sneaking into the cordoned-off areas to check on the progress.





Monday, April 10, 2017

Judge Not, Lest... Nevermind (Part Deux)

One of my favorite pastimes is judging people.

Me: Her shoes aren't appropriate for the season.
Hubs: What? Who?
Me: The girl standing by the door. The color and the fabric are wrong. She should've retired those in mid-February.
Hubs: [sighs] I'm so glad I have a penis.
Me: So am I.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Back That Ass Up

Gonzaga has just beaten South Carolina in their Final Four matchup. I accidentally sit on the remote and rewind the TV, but then can't get it back to the live feed; it gets stuck with a little over a minute left in the game. Hubs walks back in the room.

Me: I don't know what I did. I sat on the remote and now it's just playing this.
Hubs: [with utter solemnity] Your ass can turn back time.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Willing Suspension of Disbelief

Me: I'm reading this book about a woman in Scotland and it was fine until she met the Loch Ness Monster. Like, it came out of the water to look at her and I was like, really? But then I remembered that the whole reason she was in Scotland was because she traveled two hundred years back in time, so I kind of have to go with it.
Hubs: You're pretty.
Me: May I remind you that you got pissed at Mickey Mouse Clubhouse because Toodles always had exactly the four tools that Mickey needed to solve his prob--
Hubs: That still bothers me.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Cutting Corners

I've been watching Hubs painstakingly apply marinara to three small pizza crusts for our dinner, making sure they're perfectly covered.

Hubs: Is this the sauce you want?
Me: Yeah, but I'll put it on afterwards. I'm using my cauliflower crust.
Hubs: Why you gotta be so weird?
Me: Why you gotta spend 45 minutes putting sauce on pizza?
Hubs: Have you seen me butter rolls?
Me: I have lost so much time because of your OCD. I can't even imagine how much you've lost. Do you know how much time you could save if you just half-assed things?
Hubs: That sounds like a book.
Me: Yes! Save Time by Half-Assing Things. Like, who needs two coats of paint? Just do one and tell people it's a thing. Start a trend.
Hubs: Turn on fewer lights and no one will notice the difference.
Me: See? Save time, plus money on paint, plus money on electricity! I'm onto something here.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Sole Searching

Hubs and I are watching Forensic Files.

Me: The pattern on the bottom of that shoe looks like a penis!
Hubs: What? It looks like a shoe.
Me: No, seriously. [rewinding] Look at the white shape down the center.
Hubs: Yup. That's a dong.


It can't just be me.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Piled Higher and Deeper

My best friend grew up in coal mining country in Appalachia. After living in Oregon for fifteen years, she recently moved to central Massachusetts. Winter did not go well, especially when poor timing brought a blizzard while her New Englander wife was out of town.


Friday, March 24, 2017

Stupid Is as Stupid Does

Hubs and I are sitting on the couch, discussing what to do with our night in.

Me: Let's play a game and watch something stupid.
Hubs: I've got half of that covered.
Me: What?
Hubs: I said I already have half of that covered.
Me: What?
Hubs: Watching something stupid. I'm already watching something stupid.
Me: What are you talking about?
Hubs: YOU. I'm watching YOU.
Me: Ohhh... I think that joke may have been more impactful than you intended.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What Happens in Vegas

Hubs recently took a trip to Vegas and my dad called him about something unrelated on the night before he left.

Hubs: Then he said, "Don't go out there and do anything stupid."
Me: That's laughable.
Hubs: Yeah, but not all hookers are stupid...

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Paternal Instincts

We have a large aquarium in our living room, and Hubs has been working on perfecting the habitat for the betta he keeps upstairs in his office.

Hubs: So, I moved that fat fish upstairs to make sure the new tank was balanced right. I thought it was dying because it quit moving but... it was pregnant.
Me: What?!
Hubs: Yeah, I looked in there today and there were a bunch of babies swimming around and there were more eggs in the corner.
Me: Cool! I want to see!
Hubs: I already flushed them all.
Me: What? You didn't leave them for me to look at?
Hubs: I panicked! I panicked and I flushed them all.
Me: So you panicked and your first thought was KILL THE BABIES?

Monday, March 13, 2017

Bono Is No Bueno

A friend of mine has a problem with Bono. Like, a really really intense problem.






Friday, March 10, 2017

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Letting It All Hang Out

Sometimes I see crazy patients. Really, really crazy patients. This one was so remarkable that I had to message Hubs in the middle of the day.



Friday, March 3, 2017

On the Rocks

Hubs gets up from the couch to get us drinks.

Me: I want grape juice.
Hubs: In a big glass or a little glass?
Me: In a juice glass.
Hubs: Ice?
Me: No, no ice. I like my grape juice neat.
Hubs: You're a real woman's woman.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Ninjas Are Deadly and Silent

A friend inquired about my wardrobe plans for inauguration day.



Thursday, February 23, 2017

Valhalla Vixens

I have a lovely group of ladies with whom I have tea once a month. At a real tea room. And it's magical. It's like every tea party I had as a child but with food that's not imaginary. We decided this month to start wearing tiaras when we go because dammit, we can. And believe it or not, we got scores of compliments along with the polite laughter.

We. Are. Fabulous.

After our last tea, three of us (above) started chatting.