Friday, September 15, 2017

Breaking the Internet

Hubs: Mark Zuckerberg has been gearing up for a presidential run.
Me: What? Nobody's going to elect the Facebook guy. [pause] Oh wait. Trump.
Hubs: He's opened the door for anybody to run. Kim Kardashian could be president at this point.
Me: I'd vote for her ass, I guess.
Hubs: That would be the vice president.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Friday, September 8, 2017

Three-For

Just a couple random messages from my girls.







This person shall remain nameless.




I wish I could say I was responsible for this comment.



Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Fair Market Value

My dad recently came over to install some new lighting in my kitchen.




Monday, August 28, 2017

Doin' Da Butt

Just some fun with neighborhood friends. The poor girl in pink really had a hard time.




(in her defense, it turns out she doesn't have predictive text)

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Now I'm Only Falling Apart

Like a lot of Americans, Hubs and I watched the eclipse on August 21.

Hubs: What if we wake up blind tomorrow?
Me: Well, I wouldn't have to look at your mug anymore.
Hubs: True.
Me: But then I wouldn't be able to watch Game of Thrones.
Hubs: Pros and cons.


Monday, August 21, 2017

Shock Value

Our fridge died and I petitioned my neighbors for help. This is what I got.



Friday, August 18, 2017

Rap Snacks, Part Deux

If you missed the post about my rapper pun exchange with my friend Andrew, you might want to check it out first. Rap Snacks

We were shocked that another mutual friend never weighed in because of her lifelong love of all things hip hop. I remarked that I couldn't believe she'd missed the whole thing.



Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Unfamiliar Territory

This is a text from my best friend. What makes it even better is that she's a lesbian. So is her wife.



Monday, August 14, 2017

My Old Dothraki Home

Like a lot of people, I'm a rabid Game of Thrones fan.




So I got added to the group.





If you want to see the other 49 states, click here. Some of them are really funny.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Laverne and Shirley

We see a preview for some show featuring two apparently badass attorneys. It looks terrible. 

Hubs: Hey look; it's a remake of Turner and Hooch. 
Me: [laughing too hard to speak]
Hubs: I meant Starsky and Hutch. 
Me: [still dying] Turner and Hooch! 
________

Two hours later... 
Hubs: I meant Franklin and Bash.



For more of Hubs's word flubs, click here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here.


And for reference:




Wednesday, August 9, 2017

She's My Cherry Pie

Rainier cherries are my absolute favorite. They have a short season here in Kentucky and can be hard to find because they're shipped from Washington and Oregon.




Friday, August 4, 2017

The Boobs Abide

I may have a bit of an obsession with funky t-shirts.




Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Mango Mussolini

We have a neighborhood friend who is somewhat conservative. He is also very reserved, kind of private, and easily embarrassed. One of his recent posts was a hilarious surprise and of course we ruined it.




 


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Monday, July 24, 2017

Kentucky Girl

I recently attended an outdoor wedding and was walking to the reception area when the wind caught my skirt, resulting in a Marilyn Monroe moment. Because I had a drink in both hands (don't judge), my friend and the stranger next to me jumped to push my skirt back down for me.

Stranger: Do you want me to hold your drink so you don't spill it?
Me: Trust me: I'll expose myself before I spill my bourbon.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Size Matters

I put on Hubs's garage sandals to help him unload the car.

Me: Look how much smaller my feet are than yours.
Hubs: [chuckles] Huh. Yeah.
Me: I guess that explains why my penis is also smaller than yours.
Hubs: But not by much.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Smack of Ham

Hubs recently went out of town and our daughter insisted that he take along one of her dolls.


Thursday, July 13, 2017

Where the Sun Don't Shine

My dad had a colonoscopy.

My mom: It was a different place than where he had his colonoscopies before.
My dad: No, it was still my ass.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Allusion Confusion

Hubs and I are dragging our daughters' bikes through a field.

Hubs: Do you want the smaller one?
Me: [Sighing] Yes, because I'm fat and lazy.
Hubs: Well, you're one of those things.
Me: Did you just call me fat?


Sunday, July 2, 2017

Poop, There It Is

Our four-year-old is great about peeing by herself, but always calls for help when her bathroom adventures expand beyond urination. Then we get this text from my dad while my parents are babysitting.



Friday, June 30, 2017

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

That's Amore

There's a tiny crescent moon.

Me: The moon looks like a fingernail.
Hubs: You know what else looks like a fingernail?
Me: Nope.
Hubs: Your face.
Me: Really?
Hubs: Dear, we've been together for so long that I'm running out. . .
Me: Of insults?
Hubs: Of things to say.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Moving Mountains (of Furniture)

Hubs and I are moving the 4yo into a bigger bedroom and hit a minor snag when we realize that her dresser won't be easy to get out; we assembled it inside the room several years ago.

He argues that we can just slide it out the door and around a corner (which he insists on trying despite my protests); I argue that we'll only get it out if we tip it on its side (which he says will make it too tall to fit through the doorway). Guess who was right.


We end up standing on opposite sides of the dresser while it completely blocks the doorway.

Me: Wow. Yeah, you were soooo right. That's definitely not going to fit.
Hubs: When I can see you again, I'm going to punch you in the face.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Touche

I'm out to dinner with Hubs, our daughters, and my parents. Our meals have just arrived at the table.
Hubs: Why do we have four slices of pizza for the girls?
Me: Sorry. I just wasn't thinking when I ordered and this is where it got us. It's fine; we can take home whatever they don't eat. And if they're hungry, they'll eat that much.
Hubs: You know, you can always go back and get more food if they eat it all. I could've gotten a salad for myself instead of a slice of pizza.
Me: You know, you can always go back and get more food.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Avoid the Noid

Hubs has a habit of relaying information to me -- work anecdotes, news updates, stories about our daughters -- and then a few minutes later saying, "Oh, and one more thing about. . ." The problem is that it's never just one more thing.

Me: What annoys me isn't that you're talking to me; it's the "one more thing" all the time.
Hubs: What annoys me is that you say that every time.
Me: What annoys me is that you make me say it.
Hubs: What annoys me is your face.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Arachnophobia

We're at my parents' cabin and I've just turned off the shower when I spot a wolf spider on my leg. I smack it with my towel, it disappears, and fearing that it might be clinging to a fold in the terry cloth, I drop the towel on the floor. I'm now standing wet and naked in the tub with no plan for escape.

Me: PAAAAUUUULLL! COME FIND THE SPIDER!
My dad: Is this some game you two play? Do I need to take the kids outside?

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Everything in Moderation

I recently attempted a three-day cleanse. I made it through breakfast on day two. Willpower isn't exactly my strong suit and, let's be honest, I love to eat. I fessed up to my dad when we were trying to make dinner plans.



Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Don of Dom

After a wee bit of champagne:

Me: I'm feeling chattier and zippier than I have in days.
Hubs: I have that effect on women. But it's more like they chat and then they zip. Away.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Show and Tell

Hubs: Come here. I have something to show you. [Pause] It rhymes with pass.
Me: I figured it would rhyme with pick.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I Want You to Want Me

We're going to Target for one specific purchase.

Hubs: I reserve the right to browse the electronics.
Me: Well, I reserve the right to browse anything I want.
Hubs: [points at himself] Like thissss?
Me: I said anything I want.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Cold Comfort

Hubs gets this fortune:


And says: "Ooh! I can't wait to meet Comfort."

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

I'm Fluent in Swedish

My parents kept in touch when they took a trip across  Scandinavia.



Friday, May 12, 2017

People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Beat Dead Horses

There is an old woman on our neighborhood Facebook page who uses the weirdest old school idioms and frequent malaphors. Most of them don't even make sense.


Exhibit A: 

Exhibit B: 


And this is my friend's take on the phenomenon: