Shut Up Already

Hubs is having trouble with a project at work. Throughout the evening, he keeps popping up with more instances of how badly the situation sucks.

Hubs: And you know what the worst part is?
Me: That you won't stop talking about it?
Hubs: Besides that.

Damsel in Distress

Our bed is ridiculously difficult to make and we struggle to put it back together every time I wash the sheets. There is generally profanity involved. 

Me: I'm stuck. Come get this.
Hubs: Pansy. Quit being so helpless.
Me: I thought men liked that. I thought it was part of our appeal; that we neeeed you.
Hubs: No. That's not attractive at all. You wanna know what's appealing about women? I'll tell you what's appealing about women.
Me: I know, I know. Boobs.

Sound Effects

Our preschooler EB is standing in Hubs's lap eating a Rice Krispies treat.

EB: Snap, crackle, pop!
Hubs [grimacing]: I think she's talking about my nuts.

The Price You Pay

We're at a restaurant and Hubs is looking over our check.

Hubs: Man, you're expensive.
Me: I know. I shouldn't have gotten the appetizer.
Hubs: Oh. I wasn't even talking about the bill.

Don't Quit Your Day Job

We're leaving dinner.

Hubs: Do you want to stop for anything on the way home?  Drink? Snack?
Me: No, I'm full. But pleasantly full.
Hubs: That's my porn name. Pleasantly Full.

Optimus Past His Prime

The baby has just broken the preschooler's princess headband and we're trying to keep her from freaking out.

Hubs: Anything your sister breaks, we can either fix or replace, sweetheart.  [He pauses and sighs.] Unless it's Optimus Prime.
Me: What?
Hubs: My parents bought him before Transformers got popular and they stashed him away. By Christmas you couldn't find them anywhere so when I opened him up on Christmas morning I was SO EXCITED. Then an hour later I jumped off the couch and landed on him and broke his leg off. I cried and cried.
Me: Aww.  How old were you?
Hubs: I don't know. Like fourteen?

Spin Doctor

The baby shoves a whole waffle fry in her mouth. 

Hubs: You're going to have to get that out of there.
Me: Meh. She'll spit it out. And besides, it's a waffle fry; it has air holes. It's like the Lifesavers of potatoes.
Hubs: You should be in advertising.

Staying Positive

I'm lying in bed watching Netflix on my tablet when Hubs walks in.

Hubs: Why aren't you watching that on the TV?
Me: Um. . . it hadn't occurred to me. And you're always yelling at me for not using my tablet enough. Apparently I can't do anything right technologically.
Hubs: Not with that attitude, you can't.

There Is Such a Thing as a Free Lunch

We're getting ready to go eat dinner. Hubs is wearing shorts and nothing else.

Hubs: I might just go like this. We might get a discount.
Me: Like a "Dear god just take it and get out of here" discount?
Hubs: Hey. A discount is a discount.

Zoom-a Zoom Zoom

When Hubs and I were dating he made me a mix CD with the word jams in the title.

Me: The only mistake you made was not spelling Jams with a Z.  Jamz.  Like when Tara made the playlist of songs about butts and called it Ass Traxx.  With two X's.
Hubs: Ah. Not just one X?
Me: No. That would've been stupid.

Feminine Mystique

I'm removing my bra without taking my shirt off when Hubs mentions for the eightieth time that he's still fascinated by women's ability to do that. As I explain it to him, the look of wonder slowly fades and then he seems unimpressed. 

Me: Dammit! I shouldn't have explained it. A magician never gives away her tricks.
Hubs: It's okay. That's really not what I'm focused on anyway. My thought process is more like, "Bra coming off! Bra coming off! Might see boobies!"

 

Ooh, That Smell (Part Five)

Hubs is excited about his new body wash. 

Hubs: It's the same scent as my deodorant!  I'll match!
Me: You know you're the only person who notices that, right?
Hubs: I sit alone in my office all day.
Me: Wallowing in your own stench.
Hubs: Yes. So I need to smell good.

Eye of the Beholder

Me: I'm wearing my old glasses. They're not the right prescription and everything looks funny.
Hubs: So I look handsome?

Run for the Border

Both of our daughters are crying.

Hubs:  I'm moving to Mexico.
Me:  Not if I beat you there.

Digging a Hole

I'm telling Hubs about something particularly prissy our toddler did at the grocery store, which I was desperately hoping no one witnessed. He's laughing. 

Hubs: See? I told you! [Baby] is going to be just like me; the quiet athlete. And [Toddler] is going to be just like you; the. . .
Me: The. . ?
Hubs: Um. . . Ah. . . The. . . Sweet? Um. . . Social butterfly? Uh. . .
Me: Mmm-hmm.

Simple Things (and People)

We're talking about how happy our baby is.

Me: She sat in the yard tonight just playing with a stick and was perfectly content.
Hubs: I wish I could be that happy with just a stick. Of course, then I'd be retarded. So there's that.