Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Lower Them Again

Hubs: You know, I do have standards.
Me: [belching] You sure about that?

Friday, November 16, 2018

Gemini

GPS: Turn left on to Interstate 69 south.
Hubs: [snort-giggles like a high schooler]
Me: Really?
Hubs: Oh, c'mon. You don't want to go south on sixty-nine?

Monday, November 12, 2018

What Happens in Vegas

I've recently lost a respectable amount of weight. Hubs spots me getting out of the shower and waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Me: Thanks! I need to get back on it, though. I have until May.
Hubs: What's in May?
Me: Vegas!
Hubs: Oh, riiight. You wanna turn heads when you walk down the strip.
Me: Yup.
Hubs: Like I do when I go.
Me: Yes. I want to know what it feels like to be you.
Hubs: Some things just aren't achievable, dear.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Keeping It in the Family, Part Tres

Sometimes MadLibs take a turn for the worse...



For more awkward family moments, click here or here or here.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Caveat Emptor, Part Deux

Hubs: Are you just going to keep telling me what to do?
Me: Isn't that why you bought me?

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

My New YouTube Channel

Two things: Hubs and I are having chili for dinner, and our daughters are performing in a musical showcase at their elementary school.



Monday, October 29, 2018

Asshole

Preface: Hubs is bald. We're watching TV and see an ad for a hair replacement procedure.

Hubs: 'Hey, you piece of shit! You need hair! I bet you feel pretty worthless without it.'
Me: You know how that commercial made you feel? That's how every makeup commercial talks to women. Every shampoo commercial. Clothing. Skin care.
Hubs: Yeah, but some of you need it.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Mother of the Year

My mother has *exactly* the right amount of faith in me.


Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

My Friends > Your Friends, Part Tres






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Friday, October 12, 2018

I Got Chills. . . They're Multiplyin'

In an unfortunate moment of weakness Hubs once told me that his first-ever crush was on Olivia Newton-John, and it was due to the movie Grease. Therefore, I bought him a bad girl Sandy Funko Pop  for Father's Day. The other night I convinced Hubs to watch the movie while we played a game.

Me: Wait... Did I buy you the wrong Funko?
Hubs: What?
Me: I mean, you were little when you saw this. Maybe you were attracted to wholesome Sandy.
Hubs: Huh. I'd never thought about it. I guess we're about to find out.
Me: Ooh! I know! I'll just stare at your crotch and when I see movement we'll know.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Mango Mussolini

A friend of mine is married to an African American guy, which I wouldn't mention except that it's relevant to the story. Also, the Cheeto in Chief is coming to a town near us.


She received this text from a friend:



And forwarded it to us:


Monday, October 8, 2018

Touche

Hubs: Hey! The new season of Ozark comes out on August 31st.
Me: I've told you that twice.
Hubs: And now I've told you once.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

My Friends > Your Friends, Part Deux

Just more tidbits from my fabulous friends.




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Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Let the Spirit Move You

I'm pretty sure we've already established that I'm a horrible person. So come be a part of my world.



 

Monday, September 17, 2018

Parents of the Year

Our kindergartener has mellowed out in the past year or so and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster because she was an intense little kid. In pre-K her teacher asked parents to write a short note about why our kid was special.

Hubs: Hmm.
Me: Yeah.
Hubs: Well...
Me: I mean...
Hubs: Umm...
Me: Can we just say, "She's not as much of an asshole as she used to be"?

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Ask Dick Clark

Some recent events forced me to have the puberty talk with our seven-year-old daughter a bit sooner than anticipated. Hubs and I are later discussing it.

Me: The window starts at about nine years. Nine to thirteen.
Hubs: I don't want to think about that.
Me: I had to start shaving my pits when I was nine. 
Hubs: [frowning] When did my balls drop? 
Me: Have they yet? 
Hubs: I check them every day! 

Monday, September 10, 2018

Feliz CumpleaƱos

It was recently my birthday, so I begged some babysitting from my parents. This was the response from my dad.




And this happened at my celebration dinner.




Saturday, September 8, 2018

Quiverfull, Part Tres and Counting

Hubs comes to me, his phone pressed against his chest to conceal the image.

Hubs: Okay, so it's expensive but...
Me: But what?
Hubs: It's expensive but it's for Christmas.
Me: Ohmigod. Is it a sister wife?
Hubs: You got me.
Me: I'm so excited!
Hubs: It's a three pack!


For more Quiverfull madness, click here or here.

Friday, August 31, 2018

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood, Part Five

People post the strangest things on neighborhood Facebook pages.






For more stories from my neighborhood, click here or here or here or here.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Priorities

I'm trying to explain one of my pet peeves to Hubs but he insists on being an ass about it.

Me: If I didn't value my phone more than I value you, I'd throw it at you.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Called Out

Driving on back roads one night, I found this little guy:








The next day brought this:


Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Size Matters, Part Five

Hubs: I have a question that I can really only ask you.
Me: Ugh. It's the perfect size and I'm satisfied.
Hubs: No, no, no. I have plenty of people I could ask about that.


For more inappropriate Size Matters, see: here or here or here or here or here.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Aquaman

We're discussing my crush on Tommy Shelby when Hubs starts asking about other actors.

Hubs: What about Jon Snow? Isn't he every woman's dream?
Me: Meh. He's attractive, yes, but whatever.
Hubs: Aquaman? What's his name?
Me: Jason Momoa? [I surprise myself by following his name with an uncontrollable feral growl]
Hubs: [jumping back] Good lord. That came up from your soul.
Me: It was, um, farther south than that.
Hubs: That sound didn't come from your mouth at all, did it?
Me: Nope. Just opened it so I wouldn't look suspicious.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Pube Crickets

During my recent trip to Chippendale's, I texted the husband of one of the other women in our party.




For more stripper tales and pube crickets, click here.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Charmin Ultra Soft

I discovered while Hubs was out of town that he purchased single ply toilet paper. It's one of the first things I bring up when he gets home.

Me: So... the toilet paper.
Hubs: [grimacing] Yeah... I knew you'd notice that while I was gone. 
Me: It's probably best. I've had a few days to calm down about it.
Hubs: Oh. Wow. Well, I bought a giant pack of it at Costco.
Me: And? 
Hubs: Aaaand... I'm going to buy more toilet paper?
Me: Damn straight.

Friday, July 27, 2018

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Me: The FitBit app just updated. They added a section for tracking Female Health.
Hubs: Huh. Like your period?
Me: Yes. And fertility.
Hubs: Cool.
Me: But also headaches and mood swings.
Hubs: Oh god. You'll need a bigger FitBit.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Shake, Shake, Shake Senora

Hubs and I are at opposite ends of the cereal aisle when we simultaneously pick up a box, step away from the shelf, and shake the box. We slowly look up at each other in horror and the millennial standing between us gets freaked out, laughs nervously, and says, "That was weird," before hastily grabbing his cereal and hurrying away.

Me: Dude. We just gave that kid a story. [high five]

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Life, Ahh, Finds a Way

I'm telling Hubs about a video I saw where Jeff Goldblum reviews tattoos of himself.

Hubs: I'm going to get a Mario tattoo on my lower back .
Me: Which Mario? Lopez?
Hubs: Is there another Mario?
Me: Why is he so popular?
Hubs: It's the dimples. They're irresistible.


For the Jeff Goldblum video, click here.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Oh Hell Naw

Hubs: We could have another baby.
Me: HA! Not happening.
Hubs: Oh, come on. You have some vagina left.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Sink Sank Sunk

You know what's lovely? Having a friend who makes her own vinyl stickers.



Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Golden Oldies

Hubs and I are eating dinner in silence.

Me: We're so old.
Hubs: What?
Me: We're old.
Hubs: Guess who I ran into at the bar tonight?
Me: What are you talking about?
Hubs: Isn't that what young people do? Go to bars?
Me: I guess..?
Hubs: This one dude in our crew was all, "I have to stay at home and hang out with my girlfriend," and we were all, "That's lame, bro," but he's still cool. Then I got on SnapChat and I made a meme and it went viral. It got, like, twenty-five views. Then I had some avocado toast to celebrate.

Friday, June 29, 2018

Precious Cargo

Our girls have been playing on a volleyball court and are each wearing about three pounds of sand. We're at a campground and decide to throw them in the cargo space of the SUV while we drive around the corner.

My mom: You're putting them in the back?
Me: Yes. They're nasty. There's no way we're putting them in their seats.
Hubs: Half of my childhood trips were in the bed of my grandfather's truck.
My mom: Be careful.
Me: I feel like such a redneck right now.
Hubs: They're fine. I gave them both a beer. 

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

My Friends > Your Friends

Just a smattering of funny things my friends said, no context needed.



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Friday, June 22, 2018

Family Ties

We're headed to a family reunion.

Me: I'm glad the girls will get to see their cousins.
Hubs: But not like real cousins, right?
Me: Correct.
Hubs: They're all something removed?
Me: Yes. They're... Third cousins twice removed?
Hubs: See? That's not close at all. That's not even incest anymore.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Monday, June 18, 2018

Arachnophobia, Part Deux

My friend's husband is deathly, paralyzingly, irrationally afraid of spiders. He sent her this text the other day:




And of course she shared it with us.




For more spider scares, click here

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Devil May Care

My sister-in-law is Jewish but fully supports my devout atheism.



Monday, June 11, 2018