Lunchlady Land

15yo is having issues assembling her sloppy joe for dinner and Hubs yells, "COME ON! PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!" 

It Wasn't MY Suggestion

Our younger daughter is having a birthday. The cat helped wrap her presents.

Credit Where Credit Is Due

Hubs: I was going to make Mexican food... but then I didn't.

Me: That sounds like a story I'd tell. I think you plagiarized that from me. 

Him: I was also going to take out the trash but I didn't. 

Me: Another one of my greatest works. 

Nacho Servant

Hubs has been awake for a few hours when I finally come downstairs.

Him: Have you ordered me nachos yet?

Me: No. 

Him: Why are you even down here? 

Don Draper

Hubs just finished a project for work and submitted his section for review, along with his two junior coworkers. He's really good at what he does.

Not Exactly a Surprise

We're watching a TV show where a middle-aged family man is finally coming out of the closet.

Hubs: You should be preparing yourself for that possibility. I might decide I'm gay someday.
Me: It's not like it would be a shock.

Shak-quester

Shakira is performing and I am going to sequester myself to watch her. 

Me: So... Just get whatever you need from our bedroom and stay out for a while. I'll be in there with the door locked. 

Hubs: I won't see you that evening? 

Me: No. I'm not coming out. I'll make sure I have water. Maybe some crackers. 

 

She's still a goddess. For more Shakira, click here or here or here or here or here or here.   

Yo Mama Has a Glass Eye with a Fish in It

My daughters are fond of the "yo mama" retort and all its iterations. 

Hubs: What do y'all want to watch? 

15yo: Let's watch Blade. 

12yo: No, I want to watch more of a horror movie. 

15yo: Your mother is a horror movie. 

12yo: Mom, are you a horror movie? 

Me: I'm a shit show. Does that count? 

The Way to My Heart

Hubs and I are big fans of Jersey Mike's. We usually get cheesesteaks to eat immediately, and a cold sub to split the next day.

MILF

We live in a rural area where Dollar Generals abound. 

 

 

It Takes Two

Hubs: Why are you always so mean and hateful to me?

Me: Why do you continue to take it like a giant loser? 

Hubs: Valid question. 

Take a Number

Touché, Sir

While waiting for me to shower, Hubs is playing a video game wherein he is a female character. When I arrive downstairs I immediately accost him. 

Me: Pay attention to me. I have boobs.

Hubs: So does she. 

Mother of the Year

My 12yo attempts a task and can't do it.

Her: Ugh! You do it. I'm too stupid. 

Me: You are NOT stupid, sweetheart. You're just a loser.

What Just Happened?

I took three middle school girls to a pop concert at a 10,000 person venue. I forgot my earplugs. I entertained myself by bothering Hubs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Not What It Looks Like

I'm clumsy and recently gave myself a small shiner instead of the usual knee and arm bruises. I don't wear makeup but desperately needed to cover up the bruise so Hubs and I made a trip to CVS.

Me: Oh my god. This song. 

Hubs: What about it? 

Me: I haven't heard it in years. It's on the playlist I made for 14yo when I was pregnant. 

Hubs: Aww. 

Me: Oh no. I'm going to cry. Oh shit. Should I go outside? 

Hubs: Why?

Me: Because I'm standing here with a man looming over me, holding concealer in my hand, crying, with a black eye.

Hubs: Riiiiiight. 

Hangry, Hangry Hubbo

We're at a restaurant. Hubs has been trying to lose weight and has eaten exactly half of his meal.

Hubs: I guess I should stop here.

Me: It's the perfect spot. I support this decision.

Hubs: Why don't you MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?! 

Like a Virgin

14yo has asked to visit a pop-up local art show at a comic book store where all the "artists" were under the drinking age. It is 80% homemade trinkets illegally featuring trademarked Anime/Manga characters (which delighted my daughter). The room is packed. I text Hubs. 

They're All the Dame to Me

Hubs and I have spotted a new movie on Netflix.

Hubs: Hey! It's got that one old lady. 

Me: "That one old lady"? 

Him: Yeah. 

Me: Do you mean Dame Helen Mirren? 

Him: Sure. Oh - and the show with the other one is on our list. We need to watch it. The new Slow Horses.

Me: By "the other one," do you mean Dame Emma Thompson? 

Him: Yeah. 

Me: So this movie has *this* Helen Mirren, but the other show has the *other* Helen Mirren, who is Emma Thompson.

Hubs: Yeah. 

Wild Times with Wildlife

The friend telling the tale is married to a firefighter. At the time of this story, said husband was less than two months out from major surgery (the details of which I will not spoil here).

Like Eleanor Shellstrop, I'm a Legit Snack

We're sitting in a restaurant and I'm sweating, which is weird because I'm usually cold.

Me: We might have to move outside. 

Hubs: Seriously, though. Why are you so hot? 

Me: It's one of the great mysteries of the universe. 

Hold It!

We're road tripping through a remote section of Washington state and I absentmindedly chug half a bottle of Coke. 

Me: Oh no. 

Hubs: How much did you drink? 

Me: Too much. 

Hubs: [sighs] 

Me: Yeah. That's going to come back to bite me in the urethra. 

Memento Mori

Just because we've been friends for thirty years doesn't mean we've learned how to communicate.