Monday, March 11, 2013

Can't Stop Myself

I'm ridiculously pregnant (due in two weeks) and I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to tie up loose ends and prepare for this baby. As a result, I'm overdoing it.  This conversation occurred as we were making the guest bed tonight (just one of the dozen loads of laundry I've done in the past week).

Hubs: You need to stop.  Tomorrow, just sit down and rest.  There's nothing else that has to be done.
Me:  I just need to vacuum and mop downstairs and do one more load of laundry. And make pancakes to freeze.
Hubs:  You're not spending five hours making pancakes.  Once the baby is here, you won't be able to rest.  You need to rest now.  If you want pancakes, I'll buy you pancakes.
Me:  I'm not eating shitty pancakes.
Hubs:  This isn't a farm.  You don't have to do everything yourself.

Later, I make one final trip downstairs to grab a couple things and remember there's a load of laundry in the dryer.  In trying to wrangle the basket and my giant belly through the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, I drop stuff.  Hubs hears me and comes to the rescue; we meet halfway up the stairs and he takes the basket from my hands.

Hubs:  [sighs]  Be sure to milk the cows in the morning.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Life Insurance

Hubs:  I got a notice today that my life insurance policy went up to (amount).
Me:  Ooh!  I didn't know it was that high.
Hubs:  Um, yeah... Did I say (amount)?  I meant six hundred dollars.
Me:  Well, it's six hundred bucks I don't have now.
Hubs:  Remind me to google "how to check brake lines".
Me:  Just look up my search history.  You can follow the directions in reverse, right?

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Interior Design

We're at Ikea and I'm trying to choose a lamp shade.

Me:  That whole room is grey and black, so it might be safest to go with the black and white shade.  Or that grey one over there.  On the other hand, the flowered one would bring a big splash of color, which might be nice.  What do you think?
Hubs:  I don't know.  I left my vagina at home.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Lotion

It's winter and our house is dry.  I convinced Hubs several years ago to do deep moisturizing treatments on his hands to keep them from cracking.  Last night was our first treatment of the season.

Via text today:
Me:  Don't forget to keep up with the lotion today.  Don't let your hands dry out.
Hubs:  It puts the lotion in the basket.
Me:  Divorce.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Meatloaf

Me:  I just took a little less than three pounds of ground beef and turned it into a little more than six pounds of meatloaf.
Hubs:  Good job.
Me:  There are 1950s housewives who didn't do that well.
Hubs: Jesus didn't do that well.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Team Edward

Hubs has a new boss named Edward, and there have been jokes about working on "Team Edward".

Me:  Well, if I had to choose between vampire and werewolf, vampire's the way to go.
Hubs:  So you're saying you don't want big hairy balls?
Me:  I just figure if he can lick his own balls, he doesn't need me.
Hubs:  So you're saying you want to lick balls?  I'm pretty sure that's what I heard you say.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Peanuts (the other kind)

We're watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas".

Me:  I love that Snoopy never makes a sound, but he laughs out loud.
Hubs:  I know.
Me:  And by "love", I mean it creeps me out.
Hubs:  Good to know for future reference.
Me:  I love you.
Hubs:  You went there fast, didn't you?