No, Actually, I'm Taming a Wild Squirrel

I'm standing at the stove with an open carton of eggs, watching butter melt in a frying pan.

Hubs: Oh, are you making eggs?
Me: ...

Oscar Mayer

We phoned it in on dinner tonight.  Hubs warmed up hot dogs.

Hubs:  How many wieners do you want? 
Me:  Just one.  It's kind of what I signed on for in marrying you, right?  Just one wiener for the rest of my life?
Hubs:  And don't you forget it.

Can't Stop Myself

I'm ridiculously pregnant (due in two weeks) and I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to tie up loose ends and prepare for this baby. As a result, I'm overdoing it.  This conversation occurred as we were making the guest bed tonight (just one of the dozen loads of laundry I've done in the past week).

Hubs: You need to stop.  Tomorrow, just sit down and rest.  There's nothing else that has to be done.
Me:  I just need to vacuum and mop downstairs and do one more load of laundry. And make pancakes to freeze.
Hubs:  You're not spending five hours making pancakes.  Once the baby is here, you won't be able to rest.  You need to rest now.  If you want pancakes, I'll buy you pancakes.
Me:  I'm not eating shitty pancakes.
Hubs:  This isn't a farm.  You don't have to do everything yourself.

Later, I make one final trip downstairs to grab a couple things and remember there's a load of laundry in the dryer.  In trying to wrangle the basket and my giant belly through the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, I drop stuff.  Hubs hears me and comes to the rescue; we meet halfway up the stairs and he takes the basket from my hands.

Hubs:  [sighs]  Be sure to milk the cows in the morning.

Life Insurance

Hubs:  I got a notice today that my life insurance policy went up to (amount).
Me:  Ooh!  I didn't know it was that high.
Hubs:  Um, yeah... Did I say (amount)?  I meant six hundred dollars.
Me:  Well, it's six hundred bucks I don't have now.
Hubs:  Remind me to google "how to check brake lines".
Me:  Just look up my search history.  You can follow the directions in reverse, right?

Interior Design

We're at Ikea and I'm trying to choose a lamp shade.

Me:  That whole room is grey and black, so it might be safest to go with the black and white shade.  Or that grey one over there.  On the other hand, the flowered one would bring a big splash of color, which might be nice.  What do you think?
Hubs:  I don't know.  I left my vagina at home.

Lotion

It's winter and our house is dry.  I convinced Hubs several years ago to do deep moisturizing treatments on his hands to keep them from cracking.  Last night was our first treatment of the season.

Via text today:
Me:  Don't forget to keep up with the lotion today.  Don't let your hands dry out.
Hubs:  It puts the lotion in the basket.
Me:  Divorce.

Meatloaf

Me:  I just took a little less than three pounds of ground beef and turned it into a little more than six pounds of meatloaf.
Hubs:  Good job.
Me:  There are 1950s housewives who didn't do that well.
Hubs: Jesus didn't do that well.